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A Pattern of Disconnection

May 16, 2014 By: Shana4 Comments

I’m starting to see a pattern. A pattern I don’t like. A pattern I can’t figure out how to stop.

Ashlynne was gone on Friday which meant Casey and I had time to ourselves. It seems like that would be a good thing, but the pattern that we can’t seem to break is fighting once she leaves. It’s like her being gone and us being alone gives us a new freedom to address issues whenever we want and brings us to a realization that things aren’t quite right.

If you’ll remember, the last time she was gone was the time I ran away to the park. The time before that was the breakdown over a cancelled date to see the Steeldrivers. And so on and so forth. Every time we have one of these fights, I feel like we come out on the other side more emotionally connected and with a better understanding of each other. I even feel like we have a game plan of preventing similar blowups in the future, but I suppose I’ve been proven wrong.

So Friday night started off rough before Ashlynne even left. In fact, things got rocky as soon as Casey got home from work. We ended up in a small disagreement that we were able to hash out before Ashlynne returned from softball practice. I was excited as I felt like we had recognized our disconnection and taken immediate steps to repair. Not the best repair we’ve ever had, but in my mind, we were reconciled. I guess I was deceived.

It wasn’t an immediate blowup, but man did things hit the fan hard later that night. Everything was going quite well after our discussion. We were on a mission to come up with a game plan for getting the house packed over Spring Break so we sat down in front of my computer and made a list of ideas based off various articles I had found on Pinterest. Then we made a run to the liquor store for boxes and then Office Max and Big Lots for packing supplies. Not the most romantic evening, but it was nice time together. It wasn’t until we got in bed that things got bad. Sadly, our topic of disagreement was the same one as earlier. You know, the one I thought we had resolved.

It’s a topic that has plagued our marriage almost from day 1: physical intimacy. We’ve had so many fights come from that topic that the thought of it can make me cringe. So the topic came up as were lying in bed. As we started to try and repair it was clear that this wasn’t going to be like any other fight. Casey was beyond angry and frustrated, and I was beyond hurt. It wasn’t a good combination and led to one of the most explosive arguments we’ve ever had. But you know what else it led to? A flood of honesty and transparency.

Words were spoken that should have left our lips years ago. Our hearts were poured out in front of each other and for the first time, we were able to talk about physical intimacy in a new light, the same light. As we ended the night we hadn’t solved all of our issues or even this disagreement, but we had been able to draw closer together and reconnect.

Although I am thankful for the progress we made through this fight, I can’t say that I’m not fearful that it leads nowhere. We seem to be stuck in this cycle of disconnection, disagreement, and reconnection with hopes of staying connected more consistently, but ultimately, we keep finding ourselves back at disconnection. It’s like we see the immediate results of a deeper connection, but it quickly fades as we flow back into our normal routine, back in to what’s comfortable for us, which often means our marriage isn’t a priority. Then it all blows up when Ashlynne goes away for the weekend, and the distractions are gone.

Maybe next time will be different. Ashlynne will be gone for a full 10 days so that should give us enough time to establish some new routines and build on this emotional connection. That’s my prayer. In the meantime, we’ll be packing for our move to the new home. Did I mention we’re under contract? Let the chaos begin.

 

Originally written March 17, 2014

Sparking Emotional Connection: 20 Creative Date Nights Ideas

April 30, 2014 By: Shana1 Comment

Recently Casey and I have really been struggling to work date nights into our routine. Life has changed with Ashlynne being here. We aren’t on our own schedule anymore and often find ourselves tied to her softball schedule and homework routine. Plus, she’s not really a fan of being home alone at night. That can make one-on-one time pretty difficult, which eventually leads to times like this one I recently blogged about. Not good. 

Anyone that’s married knows date nights are essential to maintaining emotional connection with your spouse; however, they also know, especially if they have children, that date nights cannot always be a night on the town or even dinner at a local restaurant. And you know what? Sometimes date nights like that don’t leave you feeling anymore connected because you forget to be intentional about conversation that draws you closer.

So what’s the solution?

The first key is scheduling time together, even if it’s just an hour a week. Put something on the calendar and keep the commitment. For Casey and me, this is going to be Wednesday nights. That usually seems to be a night that doesn’t have too much going on, and sometimes Ashlynne goes to youth group with a friend. So that’s our scheduled time together, but what do we do and how do we connect, even if we can’t leave the house or have only an hour to spare?

That’s where my friend, fellow blogger, and past Wednesday Wife, Cassie Celestain, comes to the rescue. If you read Cassie’s marriage story, you probably remember that she has a heart for communication in marriage. Her blog, True Agape, makes that clear as well. So she’s been working diligently over the last few months to put together an amazing resource to help us all make date nights at home intentional and fun! 

creative-at-home-date-night-ideas

Cassie’s eBook, Creating True Agape, is a guide to making at-home date nights fun and easy! There are 20 engaging at home date night ideas that cultivate communication, intimacy and growth without you even realizing it. She’s done a fantastic job of walking us through each date idea by providing a list of materials, activity description, focus topic, step-by-step directions, discussion starters and even printables. Dare I say that these date night activities that you can do in your home will leave you even more connected to your spouse than a fancy dinner or night at the movies.

Casey and I are going to be plowing through these date nights over the next few weeks since moving and a big baby in my belly will have us close to home for dates nights and short on creative ideas. I’m especially looking forward to the SPA AT HOME date night!

I highly encourage you to purchase this eBook while you can get it at the discounted rate. Even if you can’t see yourself using it now, it’s a great resource to have on hand for those days when the thought of planning a quality date night is just overwhelming.

Because my Love Truthfully readers are AWESOME, Cassie is making sure we get the launch special price of $9.95 from April 30 – May 2. Then the price will go up to $14.95 from May 3 – 9. After that you’re looking at the full price of $19.95, which is still a great deal, but who wouldn’t want to save 50%! 

So don’t wait to order your copy of Creating True Agape – 20 at Home Date Night Ideas! I can’t wait to hear what your favorite ideas are and how these date nights ideas bring you a your spouse closer together!

Rediscovering Pure, Simple Love

April 24, 2014 By: Shanacomment

It feels like spring. It’s early Sunday morning, and I’m wide awake thanks to this feisty baby in my belly and crazy vivid dreams. The windows are open. The air is warm, but there’s a cool crispness and thickness to it that tells of the rain and freezing temperatures that are on their way. I’m sad this warmth will be gone soon as I anxiously await the more consistent warmth of spring, but I’m thankful for these few days of relief from the chill. Rumor has it there are more to come this weekend. Every warm day is a reminder that Baby B will be here soon. Although my due date is still 3 months away, I know those weeks are going to fly by and before I know it, our beautiful bundle will be wrapped in my arms. Speaking of kids, Ashlynne has been gone the last two weekends. Last weekend she was at church camp where she got to experience true fellowship with other young believers. This weekend is her time with her mom. We’ve missed having her here, but Casey and I really needed these last two weekends to ourselves.

It’s no secret that we’ve been pretty disconnected and really struggling to find a way to continue to make our marriage a priority while focusing on becoming parents to Ashlynne. We’ve done a pretty decent job (praise God!) with the latter, but the former has suffered greatly. All of our disconnection and frustrations came to a head again last weekend. Finally some time together to talk, which meant stepping into the puddle. Both angry and hurting, it didn’t go well. In fact, it went so bad that I didn’t know what else to do, but run away. I disappeared to the local park and journaled for 3 hours straight while soaking up the sun. I was thankful to be alone and thankful for the sun. Not just because I needed its warmth, but because it gave me an excuse to wear sunglasses which was a much-needed shield for my tears.

I poured my heart onto the page and sorted through months, maybe even years, of heartache, anger, and disappointment. It was brutal and left me with only one thing – prayer.

There was nothing else to do, but pray.

Eventually hunger called me home, or maybe it was the middle school boy’s birthday party that was slowly taking over the picnic tables surrounding me. Either way, I arrived home to find Casey on the porch with his friend, Ryan. I hid inside until Ryan left and Casey and I were alone again. He’d been complaining a lot lately about not hearing my heart so I made the decision to let him read what I had journaled. Maybe not the best idea I’ve ever had, but it seemed good at the time. He immediately disappeared to read through my multiple pages of pain as I prayed he would see my hurt and not his own inadequacies. What’s that thing about God not answering our prayers how and when we want? This was one of those times.

His heart was hardened to my pain and focused on what he did “wrong.” So naturally, he wrote me a letter about all the things I’ve done wrong and all I heard was “you’re a terrible wife.” Ouch! Yeah, no healing there folks. After reading his letter we talked a lot about the word LOVE and what it means. Casey defaulted to…

“What do you want me to do? What does love look like to you? Let me know and I’ll fix my checklist because I thought I was doing a good job.”

The problem is that love does not equal service or a list of to do items. It doesn’t fix pain. It joins it and sits right in the pit with it.

Even more, you can’t fake the heart behind it. As long as doing the dishes is a chore or a box on the checklist that’s the perceived gateway to physical intimacy, it can’t be called love. The most frustrating part of all this is that I think all of our counseling has made love a complicated word for us. But it was so easy, so natural when we were dating. No one had to give us a checklist or game plan because our loving actions came from an overflowing of our hearts.

It was our desire, not our duty, to love one another well.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am very thankful for all of our counseling. It has been and continues to be invaluable to us when it comes to emotional healing, communication, and conflict resolution, but a side effect is that it made love, pure and simple love, complicated.

rediscovering-pure-simple-love

Although that Saturday was difficult, we stepped way down deep into the mud and eventually found each other there. And amazingly, we stopped trying to dig our own way out or bury the other person deeper; we simply joined hands and sat there together. Messed up. Muddy. Stained. Helpless. Crying out to our Loving, Almighty God to restore our love for each other and help us make our marriage a priority again.

Ultimately, we came up with a game plan for recognizing disconnection and gave ourselves permission to stop everything to reconnect, and we started first thing Sunday morning by (Gasp!) skipping church to give us a little extra time together before Ashlynne returned. (Yeah, I know. We’re big time sinners.)

That was not how I wanted to spend our weekend alone, but we have reaped the fruit of reconciliation throughout this week through intentional connection, prayer and small moments that are full of love. This weekend was our first alone time in a while that wasn’t consumed by disconnection and repair. This weekend we saw how God had pulled us out of that mud pit, and we basked in the sun’s rays. Nothing fancy. Nothing even planned. Just pure, simple love.

You know the greatest part about all of this? The most amazing part?

It’s not that our marriage has yet again been renewed, it’s that a Mighty King that conquered the grave loves us enough to care when we’re stuck in the mud pit. And instead of standing high and mighty over us, condemning us for not being vigilant enough to avoid the hazard, He humbles himself, pulls up his stark white pants and steps into the mud with us, leading us out and then washing us clean on the other side. He could have just left us there. He could have given up on us.

“They’re in that mud pit again? Good gracious! When will they learn?”

But He loves us more! No, we don’t deserve his recue and there’s nothing we could do to earn it. Yet he simply waits eagerly by for our cry for help and then joins us in our mess. Now that’s a Savior! Yes, that is pure, simple love.

 

Originally written on March 2, 2014.

Rising from the Chaos, Plus Ashlynne Moves In

February 25, 2014 By: Shanacomment

It’s been almost a month since I put my heart on the page. Some down time was to be expected with the chaos of the holidays, but this was not my intention. Not writing wears heavy on my soul. Writing is often my time to decompress, process, and hear from God. It stills and refreshes me. Without it, I function, but not in fullness. I function, but I don’t thrive and have very little to offer others. I can’t let this time slip away from me like this again.

I think being sick had something to do with it. It was the night of Tuesday, December 16 after a baby doc appointment that I noticed I wasn’t feeling 100%. I’m sure it didn’t help that the next day I had an all day meeting in Knoxville (3 hours away). I came home feeling awful after the drive and long meeting. I could tell I had a cold coming on, but was determined to be okay because I had planned for our missional community to serve lunch at the elementary school that next day, and I wasn’t going to miss it! Casey and I definitely disagreed on that subject, but decided we’d wait until the morning to make our decision. When he was cleaning my puke off the bathroom floor at 3am, I lost the argument and spent Wednesday at home in bed.

The next two weeks were spent in unmedicated misery as I spent most of the night struggling to sleep and most of the day hacking up colors I can’t even describe. It was during this time that Baby B gave me my first good kick! Whoa! There’s something in there! I’ve been feeling small movements ever since 15 weeks or so, but this was no small movement. Baby doesn’t like it when momma’s sick.

I wish I could say I spent those miserable two weeks at home, but it wasn’t possible. We had Casey’s Christmas Party. Then time with our neighbors. Then my mom came in town. The day after she left we had friends over for Christmas Dinner. Then mom came back into town the next day. Then the pretty much my whole family arrived the next day for Christmas Dinner #2.

That was also the day that Ashlynne, our niece, officially moved in. It was a difficult time for all involved, and all I could do was pray for God’s comfort to overwhelm us. Ashlynne’s little sister, Tailynn, spent the weekend with us which consisted of more family coming over, lots of cooking in the kitchen with Tailynn, a wedding, church, eating out, movie nights, and anything else we could fit into the schedule. When my sister came to pick up Tailynn up, the goodbye was just a little bit easier for her and Ashlynne. Progress. That’s a good sign.

Our First Christmas as Parents
One of our 2 Christmas Dinners
Ashlynne & Casey drive Tailynn nuts

The ladies at the wedding
In the kitchen again!
Movie time!

Baby is growing!
The Minutellis came to visit
Finally! Date night 🙂

Ashlynne’s transition into our home was definitely not a calm one. Our schedule was jam packed with little room for down time. That next night we had dinner with friends from church, then a New Year’s Eve party, then our first family date to see Catching Fire. Then there was a worship service at church that night. And out of no where, it was time for Casey to head to school to get ready for students again. Ashlynne went to help which was a surprise, but she was super helpful!  The next day Ashlynne and I spent all afternoon at the health department, and then she she spent the weekend with one of her friends.

Whew! Finally time to breathe. Casey and I took advantage of the night off and went on a date night to PF Chang’s. So good and much needed. Then the next night, we were so exhausted from the craziness of the past month that we just hung out and played Mario on Nintendo. (We inherited an original Nintendo from Ashlynne. #bonus).  Then we picked Ashes up after church that Sunday and headed straight to the grocery. You know, grocery shopping goes even faster with 3 people instead of 2. Huge advantage! Then the snow came. Well, not really, but it was super freezing outside. So no teacher work day on Monday. Then no school Tuesday.  Today (Wednesday) was Ashlynne’s first day. I took her in like any good mom would and spent the morning there until she was settled and off on her own along with a pile of other new students.

Now I sit here, alone in this house, and completely lost as to what I’m supposed to do with the silence. So I’m writing again. Finally! And trying to prepare for our new normal… at least until Baby B gets here.

Originally written January 8, 2013

Goodbye 2013. Hello 2014.

January 1, 2014 By: Shana3 Comments

As I look back on 2013 I can’t help, but laugh. If you would have told me this time last year that I would spend 3 weeks on mission in Europe, come home to have a device implanted in my chest, and then end the year almost 5 months pregnant with a 13-year-old under my roof, I would have thought you were crazy. Now matter how unexpected this year has been, it’s clear that God knew what was ahead all along. When I look back at my blog entries I can see just how God prepared me for this new challenges.

The Proof is in the Posts

Before Europe

After Europe

The Weekend that Rocked Our Marriage

The One Where I Wasn’t Ready for Kids

The Weekend All About Parenting for Two Non-Parents 

The End of Marriage Counseling (for now)

The One Where God Changed My Mind About a Baby

Then I Find Out I’m Pregnant

When My Niece Decides to Move In

Now if that isn’t a clear picture of how God has laid the foundation before each moment in our lives, then I don’t know what is!

So what’s in store for 2014?

I have absolutely no idea! The one thing I do know is that I’m starting a new series on the blog called The Wednesday Wife. I’ve been collecting amazing marriage stories from women of all walks of life and can’t wait to share them with you so you can be encouraged by their unique journey.

If you’re interest in being a Wednesday Wife, let me know in the comments and I’ll be in touch.

Cheers to a New Year!

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Meet the Wife

Hi! I'm a semi-newlywed living in a small town outside of Nashville with my husband, Casey, our baby boy, teen niece, and hyperactive dog, Minny. I'm a new mom and marketing consultant at BeEngaging.com that loves Jesus and won't eat anything with 4 legs. I talk about marriage, pregnancy, parenting and everything in between. I believe real growth only happens through transparency. Join me on the journey. Read More…

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First off, I apologize for the delay in posting. No one could have predicted the chain of events that would come at the end of the Europe tour. Many of you know that I woke up with a terrible stomach flu on 4am the day of departure. We left our hosts in the Netherlands at […]

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