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The Wednesday Wife: Jessica Mackie

May 7, 2014 By: Shana1 Comment

So the story goes something like this. In college, I was dating the guy who had this friend that was a semi-roommate, meaning he would come in town off and on and stay at my boyfriend’s house for a few days at random. Overtime, that friend realized that Johnson City was the place to be so he moved to town to become an official, full-time roommate. Needing money, I started working for this friend at his insurance company. Overtime and beyond the boyfriend that introduced us, this guy became one of my closet friends, like a brother to me.

All the while, in another part of my life, there was this girl. She was my little sister in my sorority and quickly became one of my favorite people. Her raw personality and down-to-earth attitude made us a perfect pair. She was the girl that would come over for dinner and act like my chicken off the George Foreman was amazingly delicious. If she was tired after class she might even stop by for a quick nap in my bed, which she claimed was the most comfortable bed ever. We had a “no fuss friendship” that I loved!

It wasn’t long into my friendship with these two that I could see they needed to meet. They both loved the outdoors, had a thing for horses, and laughed more than any people I knew. Tyler immediately noticed Jessica’s beauty, but Jessica quickly realized my schemes to get het to meet Tyler and avoided him like the plague. I would always have to “stop by work” when she was in the car or go check on Tyler’s dog for him. Sadly, she evaded my mischievous plan and ended up moving to North Carolina (ironically where Tyler had moved from) before I could get them to date.

Then it happened. I came to work one day and Tyler, not the best secret keeper, finally told me that he and Jess had been talking. Victory! Little did I know the journey that God would lead them on. I’ll let Jess tell you the rest herself 🙂

Please remember that when we share like this we are leaving ourselves vulnerable. This is our chance to love on Jess. Please make sure to leave a comment thanking her for sharing or letting her know how her story has encouraged or comforted you. A simple “THANK YOU” goes a long way!

Jessica Mackie married her husband, Tyler, on September 5, 2009.

wednesday-wife-jessica-mackie

1) Tell us your courtship story. How did you meet and end up married?

Tyler and I met when I was attending ETSU in the fall of 2006. My sorority sister tried to introduce us, but I wasn’t feeling it. See, Tyler is 7 years older than me. When Shana told me about Tyler, my response was “no, he is old…and bald.” We didn’t have much communication until after I transferred schools the next year and moved to Asheville, NC. I remember getting a Facebook message from Tyler telling me he used to live in Asheville, and asked if I wanted him to come show me around? We started dating shortly after that.

We dated a year, but honestly I would have married him three weeks in. I knew he was the one. He made me laugh like no one else could. He has this smile that can light up a whole room. Everyone loves Tyler, and if you don’t, well something is just wrong with you 😉 He loves people and he loves to make people feel welcomed and loved. He is generous, and kind, but out spoken at the same time, so he knows how to stand up to people and direct his family in the way he sees fit. Tyler proposed right before our year anniversary of ‘dating” and my answer was “well its about time.” We were married that same year.

2) On your wedding day, if someone asked you why you were getting married, what would you have said?

Tyler is not only my best friend, but also the love of my life. I always wanted a Steve Martin kind of man. The man who could make me laugh, but still be serious – a man everyone admired. He is without a doubt the funniest person I know. He loves me so deep that it’s hard to explain. I cannot imagine my life without him. He pursues me everyday when I don’t deserve it and loves me more Christ like than anybody could. I am always “me” with Tyler, and he loves me the same.

3) If someone asked you today why you have stayed married, what would you say?

We stayed married because I made a promise before God. I made a promise to Tyler. It hasn’t always been easy, but I would rather fight with Tyler then try to love someone else. God calls us to love one another and to be selfless. Marriage is exactly that, and it’s a learning process.

4) Do you have children? If so, how has having children affected your marriage?

We have two children. Maverick who is about to turn 3, and Marley who just turned a year old. WOW! Children have rocked our world, for the better and the worse. My pregnancies aren’t easy. I throw up the entire 9 months. I lost 27 pounds the first trimester with Maverick. It is a miserable and such a humbling experience all at the same time. When you are sitting in your own throw up, crying, you really get to know your husband. Most guys would probably throw you a towel and walk out the door ,but Tyler would hold my hair back, grab my hand, and whisper how much he loved me and thank me for growing his babies. Poor Tyler has seen me at my worse. Not only do I throw up, but also I have really bad preeclampsia at the end of my pregnancies, which can be dangerous all in itself.

After the kids are born we are usually okay. Maverick was just an adjustment because we had no idea whatsoever what we were doing. We ended up having an emergency c-section, which made it difficult when Tyler had to go back to work less than a week later because he owns his own business. Marley was a better experience I had a v back, which is just a vaginal birth after a c-section. She was a great baby. Many people say kids make a marriage harder, but I think they make it so entertaining and exciting. It is never a dull moment, but we still date each other. If the budget is tight and we can’t get a sitter, we put the kids to bed and sit on the back porch. Sometimes when life gets a little crazy we talk at each other, but we need to learn to slow down and do this life together and talk with each other.

5) What has been one of your greatest trials in your marriage and how did you all overcome it?

I touched base on this in question #4, but it would have to be when I was pregnant with Maverick. Many people have said to me, “its only nine months,” and that is true. When you look at your baby’s entire life, the pregnancy is just a small glimpse of their life, but when you throw up 20 times a day, hugging a toilet with throw up in your hair, so weak you can’t stand, so depressed because your body literally feels like it is shutting down, nothing sounds good to eat because you can’t hold it down long enough to pass through your stomach, it’s a different life.

I laugh at the movie recently out called What to Expect When You’re Expecting. If you haven’t seen it, I recommend you do so. There is a girl who has amazing pregnancies in the movie. She wears heals the entire time she is pregnant. Her skin is perfect Her hair has volume. She sleeps good. She has a good sex drive. She eats whatever she wants and doesn’t gain a pound. She even goes into labor, sneezes and the baby pops out with no pain at all. Rigghhhtttt!! Then there is the girl who has a bad pregnancy. She poops and pees on herself. She hates her husband. She is moody, depressed, sick, and feels like she is failing in everything around her. She doesn’t have much glow. That was me. I wouldn’t change a thing though.

Pregnancy looks different for everyone. For me, I didn’t like my body and the changes that came with pregnancy. I got depressed. I didn’t talk to Tyler much about how I was feeling because I didn’t think he would understand. Losing 27 pounds in less than 12 short weeks was hard on my body and my mind. It wasn’t just throwing up in the morning. It was 24-7. I would be dead asleep, and I would wake up and have to run to the bathroom. My friends would laugh at me when they saw me. I looked like crap. I carried a bucket with me wherever I went just in case I couldn’t make it in time to the bathroom. I never allowed Tyler in. I never let him see me throw up or upset until I got pregnant with Marley. By then it was second nature. We had random buckets lying around the house, even one in the cars. We had the blow up mattress in the guest bathroom where I slept day in and day out. We had friends make us meals, and friends who would play with maverick while I would crawl in the shower. It was still hard, but we I learned I couldn’t do it without him. I needed him to take care of me. I needed to let him in. I couldn’t allow our marriage to go through another 9 months of suffering.

6) What has been the most challenging aspect of being a wife?

In the beginning of our marriage it was this feeling of entitlement. I wanted to do things my way. I never wanted to go do what he wanted to do. I really never wanted to be a wife who stayed at home, cleaned, had dinner waiting on the table as soon as the hubby came home, homeschooled the children, woke up early to cook everyone breakfast, and loved every minute of it. I loved my job, and when we found out we were pregnant with Maverick I fell to the floor. I didn’t want that “life.” But now that I am in this “life,” I can’t imagine going back to the way things were.

I delight in waking up early to cook my husband breakfast and having his lunch prepared before he walks out the door. I love trying new recipes and being in the kitchen. I love that I get to stay home with two kiddos to see them walk for the first time, or to have play dates with friends. I definitely do not do all the things and never will do some things such as homeschooling, having the house always cleaned, laundry put away, kids that are well-groomed, but it’s amazing how much God has changed me to want to serve Tyler. If you knew me at all before kids or even before marriage, no one ever told me what to do, I was always in charge, knew what I wanted in life, and I was going to get it, but God has turned these qualities of mine into such sweet gifts.

7) How has being a wife changed you?

I think I answered most of this on question #6, but I find myself changing almost every season. I have learned, and I am still learning how to be selfless; how to put others first, have a happy heart, and delight in the small things in life, even when it comes to changing a dirty diaper.

8) What does date night look like for you?

Tyler and I love to go out to eat and chat it up. We also love to go to Barnes n Noble, get a coffee and get books and dream about our future farm house. Otherwise, we end up playing corn hole and drinking wine after the kids go to bed. You have to date each other; I think it’s the most important thing in a marriage.

9) What are the top three things/people that pull you away from or compete with your marriage? How do you deal with them?

1. Tyler’s business. When you own your own business, it’s hard to really go on vacation or even just “be.” We had to learn in the early years to draw the line between work and family. Turning off your phone. Not reading emails at the table. It’s still something we deal with.
2. Extended Family. We also learned in the early years to draw the line with our extended family. People that love you are always willing to give you advice on your marriage. We had to decide when advice was given out of truth or when it was given out of fear. Even though they had good intentions, their advice was lacking in wisdom and truth.
3. Friends. Honestly, we had to loose some friends along the way. We had some friends that would just tear down our marriage. We had to learn to surround ourselves with people who were not on certain sides. Who spoke and shared the Gospel. Who would pray for our marriage, instead of hurting and attacking it. When you are not with your spouse, learn to speak kindly about them.

10) What role has community played in your marriage?

Okay, this is seriously my favorite question on here. Where would Tyler and I be without community? Honestly, we talk about this often. Without our dear friends, Tyler and I would probaby be divorced. We had a tough first year being married, and we had some great friends come along side of us and help carry our burdens. They showed us the importance of never saying divorce, how to discuss things without leaving mad, how to bring up small things in a way where it wasn’t like we were purposly hurting each other, and most importantly NOT saying I am sorry. We learned that saying sorry isnt really helping either of us, but asking for forgivness for the action, or the unkind word heals not only the one that is hurting, but also allows the other peson to understand why that person was so hurt. And this is probably lame to some, but also using emotions. You made me feel sad, happy, alone, overwhelmed, etc. Our community has prayed over our marriage, has met with us on late nights, and has loved us so well during it all. I cant imagine where we would be without them.

11) What’s one thing you wish someone had told you before marriage?

I wish someone told me to speak out of kindness, to not get mad about the small things, and to enjoy each other in this moment. I always wish they told me never to talk to any family member about any fights or argument between me and Tyler. Tyler and I both failed at this, and of course, each other’s family members took our sides, which made the argument even bigger.

If you have one final thought or piece of advice to share with current or future wives, what would it be?

Protect your marriage. Communicate with your spouse. Always speak kindly about each other when the other one isn’t there. Encourage each other. Have sex. No one ever got a divorce because there was too much sex. Love each other to the best of your ability. Try and make each other’s day a little easier by doing little things for them. And without a doubt pray for each other and with each other. There is no greater gift and intimacy between Tyler, God, and me. Hearing a man pray for your sweet children, and for your future is priceless.

The Wednesday Wife: Heidi Barnes

April 16, 2014 By: Shana2 Comments

There are some people in life that cross your path only briefly, but you feel eternally connected to them. This week’s Wednesday Wife is one of those people to me. I met Heidi when I was on mission in Europe. She was our fantastic host in England, and it’s her fault that I now crave clotted cream on a regular basis with nothing in the States to satisfy me.

I was so excited when Heidi answered my recent cry for Wednesday Wife submissions. Her story is a hard one to read, but I’m sure an even harder one to tell. I’m thankful for her honesty about her depression, her thoughts about leaving, and how it all started with a delivery gone wrong. Her story is a must-read for all of us!

Please remember that when we share like this we are leaving ourselves vulnerable. This is our chance to love on Heidi. Please make sure to leave a comment thanking her for sharing or letting her know how her story has encouraged or comforted you.

Heidi Barnes married her husband, Brad, on May 7, 2006.

wednesday-wife-heidi-barnes

1) Tell us your courtship story. How did you meet and end up married?

Brad and I met online. Yes, one of those “romances”! My friend talked me into signing up for ChristianCafe.com, and, after chatting with a few different guys, I started talking with Brad. He decided to contact me because he saw that I did humanitarian work in the former Soviet Union and he had just returned from that part of the world as part of a trip he took literally around the world. After we had sent a few messages back and forth, we talked on the phone one night and found we had even more in common. He asked me on a date and we went to an Arizona Diamondbacks baseball game. Neither one of us really liked baseball, but I have to say a baseball game really is a good first date. The game is slow enough to sit and talk, but if the conversation lags, there is a game to watch. He took me home that evening and met my brother who I was living with at the time. They hit it off because Brad was Air Force and my brother had recently left the Marines. Brad says he was walking on Cloud 9 as he walked to his car that night, but I was hesitant. See, just a year before I had been engaged to a longtime friend who ended up cheating on me with one of my girl friends. But I kept talking to and seeing Brad.

One weekend I was leading worship and music at a women’s retreat in the small town Brad lived in. He came and helped me set up and get the sound issues all worked out. He even came back one evening to hear my mini-concert – him and 73 women in one room! After that weekend, I knew he was the man God had in mind for me all along.

Our first date was September 23, 2005, we were engaged December 9, 2005, and married May 7, 2006.

2) On your wedding day if someone had asked why you were getting married, what would you have said?

I was 31 when we got married and before I met Brad, I dated all different kinds of guys, and as much as I wanted them to work, the really serious relationships ended horribly. But, like I said earlier, after I saw Brad support me doing something I absolutely loved to do, God flipped a switch in me. I just knew he was the one for me – that simply put.

3) If someone asked you today why you have stayed married, what would you say?

This May we will celebrate 8 years of marriage, and they have been a far-from-boring 8 years. From the Air Force moving us all over the world (South Korea, Ohio, and England, then back to Ohio) to having kids and traveling, we have found adventure every step of the way and we know God brought us together to be life-helpers.

4) Do you have children? If so, how has having children affected your marriage?

We have two children: Jacob (5) and Ashley (4). As any parent will say, kids take a lot out of you, but my health and my delivery of Ashley affected our marriage even more than just being worn out from having small children.

5) What has been one of your greatest trials in your marriage and how did you all overcome it?

We have always said our relationship and marriage have been pretty easy compared to other couples we have met, but we’ve been tested in the area of intimacy, all stemming from the birth of our second child.

I was induced for the births of both of my children. Jacob’s birth was long — they started the induction on a Monday night and he was finally born at 1:30 AM that Thursday – but I bounced back pretty quickly.

We decided to get pregnant pretty quickly after Jacob due to my health and age, and 21 months later I was sitting around waiting for my induction date to arrive. A week before Ashley was to be born, I ended up in the hospital with pneumonia. I was hospitalized for a couple of days to monitor the baby and to make sure my asthma was under control. The next week, my doctor decided to induce me a day earlier than scheduled because my blood pressure meds weren’t working well. Labor went much quicker and we thought it would be an event-free delivery. Not so.

Without giving too much detail, my delivery included: being put on magnesium due to my blood pressure, which made my limbs very heavy; the epidural was not working; and, Ashley was trying to come out “sunny-side-up” and they couldn’t get her turned. I begged for a C-section, but the doctors decided to use forceps. Ashley came out fine, but I was physically and emotionally scarred. I was afraid to hold her due to the heaviness of my arms, and the nurse was pushing me to nurse Ashley, but I wasn’t completely sold on doing it this time around. The next few days were fine though. I went home after two nights in the hospital and started working through the postpartum.

A week later I ended up back at the hospital because I was hemorrhaging and I had a D&C and a blood transfusion. I went back home after a night or two in the hospital and began again going through the healing process.

A few months later, I started having what I called “issues.” I worked with a uro-gynocologist and a proctologist to figure out what was wrong. Just when they decided I would need surgery, we received orders to England. I became depressed. I didn’t want Brad to touch me because I always felt unclean and I began to pull away. I was upset thinking I would have to go through all the exams again at our new base, but God really protected me from that and put me with an excellent doctor who looked at my previous doctors’ input and scheduled me for surgery without having to go through everything I was already put through.

Before and after the surgery, I found I would get very angry when I would hear women talk about their “easy” births. I tried not to share my horror story with those who were pregnant with their first child, and I would get mad when women would tell those same women about how great it is to go through such a wonderful event. (To be honest I hated being pregnant, and I still get a knot in my stomach when I hear people say this.)

One day while the kids were napping and I was in the backyard of our beautiful English home, I hit rock bottom in depression and I wanted so bad to just leave – leave my kids and my husband. I knew in my heart it was an irrational thought, but a great deal of my being couldn’t handle it anymore. I prayed so hard that afternoon, but the feeling wouldn’t escape me. A day or two later, Brad and I were arguing about something as we stood in the kitchen and I just broke down crying and told him what had happened in the backyard. He was very quiet for awhile and then said to me, “Heidi, you have PTSD. I have seen these emotions and actions from those who come back from deployment.” Once he said that, it felt like a burden was lifted. I could put a name to what was eating at me and why, and I felt I could finally move forward. I spoke to my doctor about the depression and she also diagnosed me with PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder).

Ashley turned 4 on March 24 this year, and I am still working through the depression and adjusting meds, but God has brought Brad and I a long way with a better understanding of each other and what we both need in a marriage and in life.

6) What has been the most challenging aspect of being a wife?

Being a wife can be difficult, but being a military wife can be even more difficult. Thankfully God prepared me throughout my lifetime without me being aware of the tools He was giving me. I rely on my husband as a partner in life, but God has made me comfortable being independent while Brad is gone for weeks at a time. We have found what works for our family with our lifestyle. We are in transition again now that Brad is retired and we have settled down, hoping we don’t have to move again. We are excited for this new adventure.

7) How has being a wife changed you?

Brad and I got married what some may consider as later in life. I was 31 and Brad was 28. It was an adjustment for both of us to rely on another person, but we are better people. I no longer have to figure out the finances by myself (I’m HORRIBLE at that), and he doesn’t have to worry about keeping a household going.

I have found that I can be vulnerable around others because I don’t have to stay strong to get through the day, a week, etc., because I know someone has my back.

8) What does date night look like for you?

Before we had kids, we decided we would have a weekly date night. Once the kids came along, we found a date-night babysitter and have tried to keep to this schedule. Date night isn’t always a dinner and a movie, but usually a quick bite to eat and a run to the grocery store. We can enjoy each other’s company without little voices griping and wanting this and that.

9) What are the top three things/people that pull you away from or compete with your marriage? How do you deal with them?

At the beginning of our marriage, our parents would try to pull us away from each other. I don’t think they knowingly were doing it, but I find it a blessing that we were in Korea during this time because it was easier for us to keep the distance. We all needed to adjust to married life.

Kids are always wanting individual attention and can wear a person out so much that there isn’t enough energy to give to the other adult in the house, but I have a wonderful husband who is an awesome dad and is very involved with the kids. We are teaching them that mommy and daddy need some quiet time just like they need quiet time.

I think the Internet, TV, hobbies, etc., can compete with marriage. We are around people who want our attention all day, in the evening it can be easier to vege in front of the TV or sit mindlessly trolling the Internet or work on whatever crocheting project I have going. Thankfully these things have not worn away at our relationship and we will playfully tell the other, “Pay attention to me!” when we feel we need the other’s attention.

10) What role has community played in your marriage?

God has brought some awesome couples into our lives over the years. We have seen how God has strengthened their marriages and have learned from them. And now that we’re parents, we have taken some of the things that have worked for others and have applied it to our lives (ie., date night and discipline).

11) What’s one thing you wish someone had told you before marriage?

I’m sure someone told me this but it didn’t register at the time: I am in awe of how close I can be to this one person and how well we can make it through life with that someone when God has brought us together. We find our relationship natural and easy, and I have never had that with anyone else in my life.

If you have one final thought or piece of advice to share with current or future wives, what would it be?

If I had one final thought it would be to remember that your spouse is also a work in process. I have had to remind myself that he, too, is not perfect, and I can’t expect perfection from anyone. All I can do is love him and follow what God has asked me to do, which is love God and love people – including my husband. Crazy as it sounds, it can be hard to remember to show love to those you are around the most.

Will You Be Sad With Me?

April 9, 2014 By: Shanacomment

You’re probably here looking for this week’s Wednesday Wife post, and I’m sad to say, there won’t be one. Not because I didn’t have time to get one up or because we are taking a week off. It’s because I’m out of wives. That makes me sad.

Will you be sad with with me?

Sad enough to share this Become a Wednesday Wife post on your Facebook page, Twitter account, Pinterest, and anywhere else you can think of?

Sad enough to pray about which friend of yours God might be calling to be a Wednesday Wife?

Sad enough to consider becoming a Wendesday Wife yourself?

Together, we’ve shared some incredible marriage stories on this blog over the last 3 months, and I don’t know about you, but I don’t want it to stop here. I know there are so many more women out there that need to share and thousands more that need to hear.

We are not alone in this. Will you help spread the word?

The Wednesday Wife: Ginny Smith

April 2, 2014 By: Shana1 Comment

There are some people you have the pleasure of meeting in life that you wish everyone had the chance to meet. Stan and Ginny are that couple for me and Casey.

They have spent most of their married life serving the Lord both in the US and overseas, and have some incredible stories from their journeys. Although their service to and love for the Lord is beyond admirable, it’s their selfless, sacrificial love for each other that is the stuff of fairytales.

I feel so honored to be loved by Stand and Ginny, and to have the gift of soaking up their wisdom as I watch them do life together.

Please remember that when we share like this we are leaving ourselves vulnerable. This is our chance to love on Ginny. Please make sure to leave a comment thanking her for sharing or letting her know how her story has encouraged or comforted you.

Ginny Smith married her husband, Stan, on December 15, 1956. 

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1)  Tell us your courtship story. How did you meet and end up married?

I was in my senior year of high school and a day student at a Christian school, Wheaton Academy. The school also had boarding students, many of whom were missionary kids. It was my 2nd year there after attending a public high school my first two years. I was a Christian and I believed God had called me to be a missionary since I was 12 years old.  When I heard that there was a new boy, a boarding student, in our class, and that his parents were missionaries in Vietnam, I was very interested. When I heard their names, I realized I knew about them and was in possession of material his mom had written on their experiences. I was interested to meet Stan Smith. Then I saw him and I was even more interested – handsome with big blue eyes and dark hair!

To make a long story short – he asked me out to a school roller skating party and that was it! We dated for four years as we both attended Wheaton College.  We got engaged our junior year and married our senior year, as we wanted to take some missions and Bible courses at Moody Bible Institute after we graduated.  They had a rule that you must be married at least six months if you wanted to attend as a married couple and we didn’t want to wait another year to get married as we had already dated for four years. We were 21 years old!

2)  On your wedding day, if someone asked you why you were getting married, what would you have said?

We believed God brought us together, we loved each other and we were both interested in missions. We never had any doubts about it.

3)   If someone asked you today why you have stayed married, what would you say?

Love for God; love for each other; love of ministering together; love for our children; facing the “storms” in our lives together and seeing God intervene and answer prayer; seeing our love for each other deepen as we have grown older.

4)  Do you have children? If so, how has having children affected your marriage?

We have four children, which now includes their spouses and 15 grandchildren. They have been a wonderful supplement and blessing to our marriage! Parenthood comes with difficulties and challenges, but God has been faithful in seeing us through each one. I would say that the positives of being a parent far outweigh anything negative.  These challenges continue as we interact and pray for our grandchildren.

5)   What has been one of your greatest trials in your marriage and how did you all overcome it?

Probably some of the issues that developed early in our marriage on my husband’s side of the family and how that affected him and us. As a wife, I hurt for him because he was hurting, but he had to work it out with them.  It eventually came to a somewhat peaceful conclusion.

6)   What has been the most challenging aspect of being a wife?

I have loved being a wife! Because we met and married young I didn’t have many challenges in this area. I had never had a life on my own, as I lived at home while attending college. So I went from my parent’s home to our home as a married couple. Since we were both still in school, and also working part-time jobs, we shared household chores so we would have time to do homework! I had and have a wonderfully helpful husband!

After being married about 4 years, we began ministry together overseas. We each were involved in different aspects of it, as we have different gifts. In the 60’s women were often seen by some as just the wife of the missionary and not a missionary in her own right. Sometimes the wives were looked at as unimportant, except for her role as wife and mother. However, single women were valued for their contribution to the overall ministry. This attitude of others was at times difficult for me to deal with. My husband never saw it that way! He always encouraged me to use the gifts God had given me.

7)  How has being a wife changed you?

Since I went from being single to being married 57+ years ago, I really don’t remember too much about the changes. I would say that we kind of grew up and matured together. There were some interesting “discussions/arguments” through which we understood more about the deeper thoughts and feelings we both had. Even after dating for four years, there are different dynamics when you actually live together. Also, since I was the oldest of 3 children – my brother was 5 years younger and my sister 3 years younger – I was used to frequently being in charge. My mother jokingly warned my husband that I could be quite “bossy” so watch out! So that was a big change.  I still deal with some aspects of that – just ask my husband!

8)  What does date night look like for you?

This concept was not even talked about “in our day”! When we were overseas and our children were small, we had household help so we would have someone to care for them when we occasionally went out to eat together.  We didn’t do it often as I didn’t like leaving the children. We were busy in ministry during the day so the evening was our time with them and each other.  As the children got older we would sometimes go to a movie or out to eat.  But more often than not, the whole family would go out.  Then when the nest was empty (which was sad!), and we were both working at the mission here in the US, we would go out to eat and/or to a movie more often.

9)  What are the top three things/people that pull you away from or compete with your marriage? How do you deal with them?

In this stage of our life this is really not an issue.  We do many things together. When we were younger I would say it was:

1. Our children and all their needs:  My husband had to help me more when he was able, so that we could have more time for each other.

2. My ministry involvement: I had to cut out some things in my schedule, especially after my husband reminded me at one point with “Don’t forget about me!”

3. Being separated from each other: During furlough in the US my husband had to be away weeks at a time on speaking tours with our mission. I couldn’t go because of our children. The separation was very hard on me and our marriage. I was fortunate that we were near my parents who could help me. The mission later changed this program because of the difficulties it caused for the wives and children.

When we were overseas he had to travel a lot because of his responsibilities of overseeing other missionaries. This was hard as well, and I missed him terribly.  One thing I always did when I knew he would be coming home that day was make sure I looked nice to welcome him – some makeup as well as a nice outfit! Being in very hot climates with no air-conditioning, we women would be wearing the coolest things we could, which were not necessarily very attractive!

10)  What role has community played in your marriage?

Most of the first 40 years of our marriage was lived in community: Married couple’s dorm at Moody Bible Institute; 8 months at the headquarters of the first mission we were with where we lived in a dorm and ate in community; large group of missionaries on the field in both countries we worked in; the group we worked with at the mission headquarters in the US. I don’t think it ever really affected our marriage negatively. When there were differences of opinion in the group, as husband and wife we were usually on the same page.  It is difficult to remember at this stage of my life!

11)  What’s the one thing you wish someone had told you before marriage?

At this point in my life I really can’t think of anything! I might have been able to in the early years of marriage but that is a long time ago!

12)  If you have one final thought or piece of advice to share with current or future wives, what would it be?

Don’t get married thinking that you are going to change one or more things that you don’t particularly like about your spouse! You should be able to accept him for who he is when you marry him. Not that there won’t be changes for the better, but that is God’s job, not yours, in his life and yours as well.

The Wednesday Wife: Alyssa Hutto

March 26, 2014 By: Shanacomment

Over the last few weeks I have had the pleasure of sharing some incredible marriage stories with you. This one is no different, but it’s not necessarily a story of a redeemed marriage like many others are.

Casey and I have had the pleasure of walking through marriage with Jarred and Alyssa from the beginning. Their rock solid foundation and focus on the Lord has been an inspiration for us.

Alyssa is wise beyond her years thank to some amazing mentors in her life so definitely take some time to read this and soak in her advice. 

Please remember that when we share like this we are leaving ourselves vulnerable. This is our chance to love on Alyssa. Please make sure to leave a comment thanking her for sharing or letting her know how her story has encouraged or comforted you.

Alyssa Hutto married her husband, Jarred, on July 24, 2010. 

wednesday-wife-alyssa-hutto

1)  Tell us your courtship story. How did you meet and end up married?

Jarred and I met at a mutual friend’s birthday party. He walked across the room and introduced himself and we ended up talking for the next hour and a half. I joked with a friend later that night that I may have met my husband… turns out I did! We went on our first date two weeks later and 6 weeks after that, we knew we were going to get married.

Being pursued by Jarred was different than any dating relationship I had experienced before him. I remember telling my friends that for the first time I had no anxiety or questions about his intentions. I felt complete peace in my heart because I finally knew what it meant to be pursued by a godly man. Jarred asked for my parents’ blessing at that point, but it took a couple of months for them to be fully on board with such a quick engagement, so we got engaged 5 months after we met and married 4 months later.

2)  On your wedding day, if someone asked you why you were getting married, what would you have said?

We knew that our whirlwind dating and engagement needed to be covered in wisdom and discernment, so we were constantly evaluating our purpose together from the minute we started dating and talking about marriage. We wrote in our vows that our hope was that we would glorify God more as husband and wife than alone. We both believed that was the higher purpose of marriage, and that we had found the person that would encourage us the most in our walk with the Lord. We also knew that we had found a best friend with whom we wanted to share deeper emotional and physical intimacy and that God would bless that desire once we were married.

3)   If someone asked you today why you have stayed married, what would you say?

Truthfully, the past 3 years of marriage have not been difficult – we love being married. So really, we have stayed married because we want to be together this way. But we’re not naive and know that there may be times in the future when we don’t “like” each other and staying married is a challenge. If/when those times come, we will stay married because we vowed to God that we would. Even more binding than our promise to each other is our promise to God that we will obey him and remain faithful to each other until He parts us.

My husband loves God even more than he loves me, and that brings me such security, because regardless of how he feels about me on a given day, he will fight to keep his promise to God to always love me and be my husband.

4)  Do you have children? If so, how has having children affected your marriage?

We have a wild and crazy 7-month-old baby boy named Brockson. Having a child has shaken up our life in every way possible – we are being challenged like never before. It has drawn us together even tighter as a husband and wife because we now have a little soul to guide and raise for a holy purpose. To be united in that is a beautiful thing to get to do alongside someone. Realizing that God entrusted the two of you with one of his most precious creations is a reality check and forces you to evaluate what you are living for as a family. But it has been tough on us for sure. All of the things that we love in our marriage and have felt so carefree about  – continuing our dating relationship, enjoying sexual intimacy, growing spiritually together – are now at war with the exhaustion of being new parents and having a little person constantly present with us. We have to really fight for the energy to be emotionally and physically intimate at the end of a long day.

5)   What has been one of your greatest trials in your marriage and how did you all overcome it?

See above. 🙂 We’re still working at it – having a child is not a trial to overcome – but it’s been the hardest challenge we’ve encountered and yet it’s another gift that we are so thankful for in our marriage. We want at least 4 kids so this isn’t a problem to be conquered and fixed. It’s just one of those times when you’re forced to learn how to continue to grow closer emotionally, physically, and spiritually, when it doesn’t just happen naturally anymore.

We are climbing out of the pit of survival mode by identifying the things that need to happen in order for us to be able to focus on our marriage. So for me, that means I need to get sleep and exercise to feel mentally and physically present in our marriage. For Jarred, that means being more disciplined in his spiritual growth so that he can continue to be the godly leader our family needs and depends on.

6)   What has been the most challenging aspect of being a wife?

Having someone see all of your struggles and sin is a very vulnerable and humbling experience and there is no escaping it. I can’t hide things I struggle with anymore. Someone is there (besides God) watching and witnessing the mess and ugly side of my heart. I don’t like being exposed like that. Being a wife means I’ve lost the battle with perfection because there’s no fooling the husband who sees everything. But God gave me the most grace-giving, patient, forgiving husband, so there is actually so much freedom in not being able to hide anymore!

7)  How has being a wife changed you?

I think becoming a wife helped me shed so many of my insecurities. All of my insecurities were rooted in fear of not being loved. Being loved by Jarred made me feel like a beautiful woman for the first time in my life. I could stop “trying” and “striving” to feel beautiful because whatever I was, was completely enough for him. Jarred validated my femininity in a way no one had before. To him, I’m beautiful because of my feminine side – I’m emotional, I’m sensitive, I need him and his strength, I want to be cherished. He showed me that those aren’t things to be ashamed of or to try to overcome.

I am married to a strong and sensitive man who leads me so well. I feel so safe and protected because I’m his wife. And that’s all a credit to him and how he loves me and cares for me. I do believe that God allowed me to experience a man like Jarred taking my heart and my life and treating it with such importance and care, and having no fear of what he might do with it, all so that I would have a tangible hint of how God feels about me. That’s a soul changing realization.

8)  What does date night look like for you?

Our favorite date is picking up sandwiches at this little Amish country store and going wine tasting at Arrington Vineyards. It’s a good chance to relax over a glass of wine and we make a point of talking about the things we’re grateful for in our present life and our hopes for the future. We also love getting dressed up to go out to dinner and then going home to snuggle watching a movie. We have to get more creative now with a baby, but having friends with babies means we get to trade off for free babysitting, so that helps!

9)  What are the top three things/people that pull you away from or compete with your marriage? How do you deal with them?

Technology is the biggest one. I mean smartphones, iPads, TV, etc. I love it and hate it at the same time. There is a slow unraveling of intimate relationships happening on the wave of technology and social media and it takes some serious awareness and boundaries to stop technology from replacing real, vital relationships with superficial empty ones. With our newfound parental exhaustion, it’s so easy to check out in front of the TV or on our phones but it leaves us so empty and not rested at all. So we’re trying to set limits and not bare our souls out on Facebook, but instead in our living room with our family and close friends.

Finances cause strain, of course, but we’re learning to adjust. Thankfully, neither of us is a big spender and we are pretty aligned when it comes to money, so we never had to follow a strict budget and just enjoyed moderate spending on dates and vacations. But I stopped working to stay home when Brockson was born so cutting out an entire income is a big adjustment. We both knew we wanted me to stay home to raise our children and that they’re a better investment than any home or possession we could buy with a second income. We’ve seen God honor that by providing a great job for my husband. So this far, we’re making it work!

Again, becoming parents definitely adds a new challenge to marriage. But our kid(s) will thrive the most when our marriage is strong so we are focused on putting our marriage relationship first and know our kids will reap the benefits from that.

10)  What role has community played in your marriage?

Embarking on our marriage journey with other couples and mentors is by far the most important thing we have done and the greatest contributor to the health of our marriage. While dating, an older couple with an amazing marriage was individually mentoring us, and we also got to go through several months of premarital counseling with the pastor who married us and his wife. As newlyweds, we joined a group of other young newlywed couples at our church and basically shared our first two years of marriage ups and downs together each week. The couple who led that group (read the wife’s story) invited us into their home and family and deserve so much credit for making sure 8 young couples made it through the first couple years.  We share a history with those couples that no one else will ever quite touch. I don’t know where we’d be if we didn’t have them in our lives starting out as a young married couple and still now as young parents. It’s so important to have like-minded friends to encourage you and support you.

11)  What’s the one thing you wish someone had told you before marriage?

The lady that has mentored me for the past four years has given me so many valuable pieces of wisdom that she DID tell me before marriage, and they proved to be so true and so important. She said never talk badly about your husband to anyone, and don’t just reject your husband if you aren’t feeling up for sex – explain your heart to him and make a promise for a better time for the two of you to be intimate, that way he won’t feel rejected and you both have something to look forward to.

12)  If you have one final thought or piece of advice to share with current or future wives, what would it be?

I think sexual intimacy is so vital to the overall health of a marriage, so fighting for that is important.  We have to actively pursue it and not put it on the back burner. If you don’t enjoy it or something isn’t right, talk about it and get help. Do whatever you have to do to maintain sexual intimacy. Guard your marriage bed and keep it holy. Talk openly about it with your husband, with encouraging girlfriends, wise older women, a therapist, etc.

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Meet the Wife

Hi! I'm a semi-newlywed living in a small town outside of Nashville with my husband, Casey, our baby boy, teen niece, and hyperactive dog, Minny. I'm a new mom and marketing consultant at BeEngaging.com that loves Jesus and won't eat anything with 4 legs. I talk about marriage, pregnancy, parenting and everything in between. I believe real growth only happens through transparency. Join me on the journey. Read More…

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