Originally written October 8, 2013.
I feel so terribly lazy and worthless. I woke up this morning feeling okay, but not quite myself. I made my smoothie (the only breakfast item I can stand to eat recently), and enjoyed it on the couch. I headed to the bathroom to get ready for my day and ended up right where I sit now — in bed. My stomach goes from feeling empty and growling to bloated. I feel like I need to poke a hole in my belly, otherwise everything I eat is going to come right back up the same way it went down. Is it bad that sometimes I wish for that? Feeling nauseous is bad enough, but nausea without the good relief of an occasional vomit is worse, at least for me.
Part of me feels guilty complaining… guilty every time I find myself back in this bed. I have friends that have ended up hospitalized, sick their entire pregnancy, and the majority of my friends experienced this same nausea; yet they had jobs to go to every morning. Thankfully, on most days, I can make my own schedule and save work for the afternoon when I’m feeling better, like I did today.
When I went back to bed this morning I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until noon and by then, my nausea was worse, not better. There’s still work to be done, and God knows I can’t stand the thought of eating right now, so I found my computer and brought it to bed. I managed to knock out a good chunk of work and even got through a couple client phone calls before my need for food overtook my current food aversion. My craving has recently switched from french fries to chips and salsa. Slightly healthier, but still not anywhere close to my typical diet.
No wonder I feel sick right now. All I’ve had today is a fruit smoothie, chips and salsa, and of course, a lot of vitamins. It’s almost 4pm and I so desperately want to eat something, but the thought of food produces more nausea which keeps me in this bed. This will continue until the one magical food comes across my mind, and I don’t squirm at the thought of eating it. Hopefully that’s sooner rather than later.
There’s so much I want to get done today. I’m halfway done with laundry for the 2nd time in two weeks. For some reason I can’t ever seem to get all the way done, and by the time I’m back at it, I might as well be starting over. I’m hoping today will be the day I can be done, truly done. There’s also the harvest decorations I want to put up. Those sunglasses I need to return. That new phone I need to get. That proposal I need to review. Papers to file. Plants to pot. Gifts to wrap.
Everything in me wants to be able to mark all of these things off my list before today is done, but everything else in me just wants to stay in this bed until I feel like myself again. Sadly, I have a feeling that isn’t going to happen anytime soon, and eventually, despite my turning stomach, I’m going to have to pull myself up by the belt of this robe and get to work… push through and make it happen. Oh! I know what I’m craving — Simply Apple Juice. Time for yet another run to the store for my amazing husband. In the meantime, I’m going to move from the best to the bath and pray for a fresh start to my day.
