Some of you have been asking how I went from the girl that didn’t want a baby to pregnant. Well, it didn’t quite happen in the right order, but God did change my heart. Here’s how. This is a journal entry from September 15, the day before I found out I was pregnant.
This morning, for the second morning in a row, I had slight stomach cramps. They feel kind of like period cramps, but much less severe. It’s probably just a digestion issue, but a part of me couldn’t help but wonder if I’m pregnant. According to science and my calendar, pregnancy really isn’t a possibility right now. We got the go ahead from the doctor less than 4 weeks ago.
I couldn’t be pregnant, right?
When I think I might be, I tell myself “Don’t get too excited. It could be a number of things.” I haven’t told Casey about any of this. A part of me wants to really surprise him if I am pregnant, and the other part of me just doesn’t want to let him down if I’m not. On the way to church this morning he said “So do you think you’re pregnant?” I of course said, “no.”
“I don’t think you are either. Bummer.”
“Why don’t you think so?”
” Well you’re not having any symptoms. You’re not sick.”
I explained to him that those symptoms usually come much later.
I wonder if he knows the battle that’s going on inside me right now. My heart wants a baby, wants more than anything for me to be pregnant. My mind can’t imagine it and isn’t yet on board. So depending on which one is more dominant in my life at the moment, my feelings about the whole thing can shift dramatically, but in some ways they are both always present, battling in my mind whenever the word pregnant or any hint of it comes my way.
I often feel guilty about my mind and its lack of enthusiasm for having a baby. I should want this. I’m a woman. I’m made for this. Children are a blessing. God wants us to be fruitful and multiply. There are so many others that desire this and it has been withheld. You love kids. You’re not getting any younger. I have thought every self-shaming thought in the book.
But if God wants me to have a family, why hasn’t he put that desire in my heart? Wait.
He already has.
My heart has an overwhelming desire for a baby. It’s my mind that won’t budge, and that’s my flesh. I pray that God, in His great might, takes over my mind and readies me for being a mom, and grows that desire from my heart to my mind. May my desires and thoughts be in unison and this battle stop waging on within me.
I think I need to start praying for a baby. I believe it’s that prayer that is going to change my mind, but I’m afraid. I’m afraid that if my mind wants a baby that God may not bless us in that way and that leaves me vulnerable to heartache and anger with God. I’m sure that’s why I’ve been avoiding that prayer, so I can be okay when I am unable to conceive, but that vulnerability is already in my heart. And nothing will be able to heal my heart, should that be the case, other than the one that is withholding — God. My mind could try and patch my heart, attempting to convince it that we didn’t really want this anyways, but my heart knows better and will remain wounded until the great comforter heals it. So the truth is that whether my mind is on board or not, my soul is already vulnerable to heartache and disappointment. So what good does fighting it do?
So I should be able to test accurately later this week. At this point, I think it’s fair to say that I am praying for a positive result, even though the odds are against me. That’s right. I said it. I pray that I am pregnant.