Love Truthfully

A New Perspective on My First Mother’s Day

June 10, 2014 By: Shanacomment

It’s 6am on Mother’s Day, my first Mother’s Day as a mom. Baby B must have been anxious to start the celebration because he/she woke me up about an hour ago and hasn’t stopped demanding my attention since. Maybe Baby is frustrated that he/she is still stuck in my belly on this special day. I’m on the fence about that. I’m a little over 37 weeks now and although I can’t wait to hold our little bundle of joy in my arms, there are a couple of reasons I’m fine with him/her staying a while longer, despite the pain these tiny feet and elbows are causing me.

I know the “right” thing to say is that I understand that every day Baby spends in the womb is another important day of growth and development, but let’s be honest here. The idea of Baby B getting any bigger makes me shutter. The real reason I’m pretty content with Baby B holding on a few more weeks has everything to do with our move. We close on our house in 10 days and move in 12. Although we are prepared for Baby B to arrive in the chaos, and somewhat expect that if God has a sense of humor he/she will arrive while we are signing papers, I’m still holding out hope that we will be settled into our new home before Baby B arrives.

I don’t think coming on the assigned due date is too much to ask. I mean that’s how these things work, right? The doctors say you’re due on the 29th, in 18 days, so you have to wait until then. We shall see how obedient this little one is 🙂

Mother’s Day is also special this year because Ashlynne is more like a daughter to me than ever before. I’m missing her this morning as she is spending the weekend with her mom. Last night after I was already starting to drift to sleep after a long day of packing, she Facetimed me. It was late and we hadn’t really talked since she left on Friday so I immediately answered. Apparently it was just time for a late night fashion show of the new clothes her mom bought her. Although exhausted, I oohed and ahhed at her new wardrobe as we chatted about what she had been doing all weekend. As we said our I love you’s and I drifted back into the darkness, I thought abut how much my love for her has grown as I’ve watched her mature and thrive over the last 4 months. She is truly becoming a beautiful and strong young lady. Although I have no desire to nor will I ever replace her mother, I feel truly blessed and honored to be able to help fill that role over the next 4 years of her life. Being her “mom” is a gift beyond measure. I pray that during the difficult times I’m reminded of that and take a moment to appreciate the unexpected blessing of this beautiful “daughter.”

Although this Mother’s Day is special for its own reasons, I look forward to next year when birthing and raising a newborn gives me a new perspective on just how amazing my superhero mom is. I’ve always appreciated who my mom was to me, her strength, boldness, and unfailing compassion, but I think I’ve never fully understood what it’s like to raise a child from infancy enough to have my appreciation for her grow. I’m excited that “thank you mom” and “I love you mom” will be that much more rich in meaning as I enter into a world that she has known and loved for over 30 years, despite the pain it has caused her. Yes, next Mother’s Day the word MOM will have a whole new meaning for me.

Originally written on May 11, 2014.

Returning to Counseling

June 8, 2014 By: Shana1 Comment

Casey and I are back in counseling. If you’ve been reading my posts lately, I’m sure you’re not surprise. We’ve been struggling to find a good balance since Ashlynne moved in and it has weighed heavy on our marriage. As our counselor explained it, we missed out on the years where heaving a child brings you closer together and strengthens your love, building a strong foundation for the teenage years that often pull couples apart because they divide and conquer homework, shuttle service, and the other demands of active teens.

I suppose it just adds to our time apart that we are moving and about to have a baby. I get it, life can get chaotic, but at least there is an end to this chaos. In just 4 weeks, we will be settled in our new home and either ready for baby to arrive or settled in with baby. Ashlynne will be out of school and Casey all be off work for the summer. We are going to go from 60 to zero in just a matter of weeks. Okay, so maybe not quite zero, but it is sure going to feel that way in comparison.

Some would say Casey and I should just manage as best we can during chaos and then reconnect when it ends. Counseling is just something else on the schedule, right? I have to admit, I thought the same thing when Casey first suggested we return, but the truth is that life is inevitably chaotic. It’s the cliché roller coaster of ups and downs, flips, turns and loopty loops. This will not be our last moment of chaos in this life. We must learn to stay connected in chaos and not let it overtake us. I don’t know about you, but I want a great, connected marriage all the time, not just when life is easy. Plus, counseling is kind of like a date night – scheduled time for the two of us to connect on a weekly basis.

So in our first session back we talked about priorities. There’s our ideal and then what our priorities actually look like based on how we spend our time. It came as no surprise to us that we are living in an upside down triangle. But how do we right things, especially when it feels like everything at the base of our triangle (low priority) is a “must-do” as deadlines with baby, work, and the house weigh us down?

I suppose the key is starting small. Our goal for now is to try and have a consistent 10-15 minutes of devotional time as a family when we tuck Ashlynne in at night. This will ideally help us grow spiritually while fostering relationship with Ashlynne and intimacy with each other, all top priorities. 3 birds. One stone. I’m excited to see how this little step helps us slowly start focusing on what’s at the top of our triangle, even when everything at the bottom is demanding our time.

How do you make time for top priority items and not let the tasks of daily life weigh you down?

Forced to Write: Catching up on life

May 19, 2014 By: Shanacomment

I’m being forced to journal and get a foot massage. Casey literally just pulled me off my computer and over to the couch with pen, journal and ice cream in hand. Then he took my boots off and stuck my feet in the foot massager.

If you haven’t noticed, I’ve been neglecting writing lately, which means I’ve been neglecting my soul. I was doing great for a while there. I had committed to 15 minutes or 3 pages of writing every day for Lent, but sadly, life got in the way. That’s a polite way of saying it. I suppose 3^rd trimester, plus moving prep, plus bronchitis, plus new clients all got together at the same time and hit me like a Mac truck. I did a terrible job of protecting my writing time and didn’t feel right about stealing time to write, stealing time for me, when I would look at my to do list and see how behind I was each day.

Even now as I try to write, life is getting in the way. I just got interrupted with a text about the softball banquet for Ashlynne’s team. Did I forget to mention I’m coordinating all the volunteers for that? As soon as I responded and picked up my pen again Ashes came up here to chat. It never stops and it will only get crazier once baby gets here.

That could be soon! In just 2.5 weeks I’ll be 2 weeks away from my due date AND it will be a full moon. If baby wants to come early, Mother Nature will be more than happy to help. Early wouldn’t be too bad. It’s on time that worries me. We close on our house the 21^st, move the 23^rd, and baby is due the 29^th. So 2 weeks early or due date and beyond is okay. Not too much to ask, right?

Baby has really been fun lately. The hiccups are a little annoying, but cute at the same time. Casey put his head on my belly to listen to them the other day. It was precious. Everything has changed in the last couple of days. I have pelvic and lower back pain whenever I’m standing, baby’s kicks are super painful, and my calves and feet hurt from swelling. I went to the doctor today and they said all was normal and I should expect it to get worse. Not what I wanted to hear, but I suppose it could be worse. I’m not on bed rest, although at times I think that might be good for me haha.

In other baby news, I think we have finally decided on names. We are definitely set on first names, but the middle names have been up in the air for a while. I think we are officially settled on first and middle names now. I suppose we will see as time goes on, but we do have favorites, as of now.

The baby shower was this weekend, and it was perfect! Our friends did a fantastic job planning it and of course, our dear friend catered it, which was delicious. We had so much fun with the water balloon toss, diaper relay, chasing chickens, and so much more non-traditional baby shower fun. Baby B is so blessed to have such an amazing community!

Ashes is doing really well too! Her grades have been steadily improving, and softball is finally over. Praise God! We all enjoyed that she played, but were definitely ready for the season to end. That everyday commitment was a lot to handle on top of managing her homework and chores. It’s definitely been an adjustment, but now we are settling into a calmer routine, just in time for summer to get here, the move, baby and everything to change. Yes, temporary calm, but it will be a nice calm before the storm.

A Pattern of Disconnection

May 16, 2014 By: Shana4 Comments

I’m starting to see a pattern. A pattern I don’t like. A pattern I can’t figure out how to stop.

Ashlynne was gone on Friday which meant Casey and I had time to ourselves. It seems like that would be a good thing, but the pattern that we can’t seem to break is fighting once she leaves. It’s like her being gone and us being alone gives us a new freedom to address issues whenever we want and brings us to a realization that things aren’t quite right.

If you’ll remember, the last time she was gone was the time I ran away to the park. The time before that was the breakdown over a cancelled date to see the Steeldrivers. And so on and so forth. Every time we have one of these fights, I feel like we come out on the other side more emotionally connected and with a better understanding of each other. I even feel like we have a game plan of preventing similar blowups in the future, but I suppose I’ve been proven wrong.

So Friday night started off rough before Ashlynne even left. In fact, things got rocky as soon as Casey got home from work. We ended up in a small disagreement that we were able to hash out before Ashlynne returned from softball practice. I was excited as I felt like we had recognized our disconnection and taken immediate steps to repair. Not the best repair we’ve ever had, but in my mind, we were reconciled. I guess I was deceived.

It wasn’t an immediate blowup, but man did things hit the fan hard later that night. Everything was going quite well after our discussion. We were on a mission to come up with a game plan for getting the house packed over Spring Break so we sat down in front of my computer and made a list of ideas based off various articles I had found on Pinterest. Then we made a run to the liquor store for boxes and then Office Max and Big Lots for packing supplies. Not the most romantic evening, but it was nice time together. It wasn’t until we got in bed that things got bad. Sadly, our topic of disagreement was the same one as earlier. You know, the one I thought we had resolved.

It’s a topic that has plagued our marriage almost from day 1: physical intimacy. We’ve had so many fights come from that topic that the thought of it can make me cringe. So the topic came up as were lying in bed. As we started to try and repair it was clear that this wasn’t going to be like any other fight. Casey was beyond angry and frustrated, and I was beyond hurt. It wasn’t a good combination and led to one of the most explosive arguments we’ve ever had. But you know what else it led to? A flood of honesty and transparency.

Words were spoken that should have left our lips years ago. Our hearts were poured out in front of each other and for the first time, we were able to talk about physical intimacy in a new light, the same light. As we ended the night we hadn’t solved all of our issues or even this disagreement, but we had been able to draw closer together and reconnect.

Although I am thankful for the progress we made through this fight, I can’t say that I’m not fearful that it leads nowhere. We seem to be stuck in this cycle of disconnection, disagreement, and reconnection with hopes of staying connected more consistently, but ultimately, we keep finding ourselves back at disconnection. It’s like we see the immediate results of a deeper connection, but it quickly fades as we flow back into our normal routine, back in to what’s comfortable for us, which often means our marriage isn’t a priority. Then it all blows up when Ashlynne goes away for the weekend, and the distractions are gone.

Maybe next time will be different. Ashlynne will be gone for a full 10 days so that should give us enough time to establish some new routines and build on this emotional connection. That’s my prayer. In the meantime, we’ll be packing for our move to the new home. Did I mention we’re under contract? Let the chaos begin.

Originally written March 17, 2014

Sleepless Nights & a Plea for Empathy

May 12, 2014 By: Shana4 Comments

After much searching, Zillow watching, house visiting and number crunching, it’s finally happened. Last night, Casey and I made an offer on a new home. Through God’s truly divine orchestration, we first saw this home about a week and a half ago and have been waiting patiently, or maybe not so patiently, for the homeowner and their relocation company to select a realtor. As soon as we got the name yesterday I called to make an appointment and was sitting with the realtor within a few hours. What a relief it is to have an offer on the table! Although the timing is terrible (moving a few days before baby is due), the house is just what we need long-term and is going to be a fantastic home to raise our family in. I guess I shouldn’t get ahead of myself, would be a fantastic home 😉 This is just the beginning of a long 3-month process. Right now, it’s in the seller’s hands. All we can do is pray for God’s favor and guidance. We are of course hoping the contract stage moves pretty quickly and have set the timeline as such. We are hoping to have a contract before the house goes on the market. I can’t keep the house off my mind though.

I’m sure it’s Baby B’s jabs that keep waking me up at 4 am, but it’s definitely thoughts of the house that keep me up. Everything from what their counter offer will be to how we could decorate it. It’s 6:30am now and I’ve been awake since 4 and up since 5. Maybe this is just my new sleep schedule, but I sure hope not.

Everyone keeps telling me how this is just God’s way of preparing me for baby. I hope they realize how totally unhelpful that statement is, even though it’s probably very true. The last thing I want to hear when I’m exhausted is how there’s no end in sight and it’s only going to get worse. Gee thanks people. Sometimes I think the mommies of the world have forgotten what it’s like to be pregnant, at least on the emotional front. We need to be real with each other, but that doesn’t mean we need to squash the hope and joy of all the little mommies-to-be in the world. It’s okay to still have empathy instead of proudly boasting your battle scars to all the rookies and carrying around a “you just wait” attitude.

You are full of wisdom and true empathy that we need, especially during a time when the ones we are closest to, like our husbands, struggle to relate to our emotional and physical changes. So please, put down your battle flags, your “I knows,” “just waits,” and words clouded in hopelessness and please, pickup your loving arms, encouraging words, and bring it all down into the pit we’re in. Because if you were to think about it for a moment, when your toddler is potty-training or shall we say, peeing in the floor, or your little one has just puked in the backseat, I’m pretty sure the last thing you want is the mom you are seeking understanding from saying “oh you just wait. It gets worse.” Oh joy. Thanks for the pep talk, friend.

Originally written March 12, 2014

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