On Tuesday night, I sat in a room with about 100 or so Christian women to talk about sex. I should say to listen to 4 other women talk about sex. There were two pastor’s wives, one being my friend, Robyn and two Christian counselors.
- My husband has put on a lot of weight since we got married and I’m no longer physically attracted to him. What do I do?
- I had a Christian counselor tell me masturbation is okay. What does the Bible tell us?
- My husband wants to try oral sex. Is that okay?
- How do I shut the craziness of life out at the end of the day so I can enjoy sex with my husband?
- I experienced sexual trauma before marriage and it seems to be affecting my sex life. How can I heal?
It was candid, honest, Biblical advice and I soaked it all up. I so wish that I could share it with you all.
The one thing I do want to share is something that was a common theme throughout the night was false intimacy. False intimacy is where we find comfort where there is no risk. It manifests itself in many ways. Some are more obvious like pornography and romance novels while others are less obvious like chick flicks and friendships.
Ultimately we find ourselves missing out on the true intimacy that God has for us by trying to fulfill our needs with these cheap, risk-free substitutes.
Where do you see false intimacy in your life? Oh and do me a favor, next time you see your pastor’s wife, ask how you can spice it up in the bedroom. 😉
UPDATE: It seems that some folks would like for me to share the answers to the questions above. Please note that this is just a summary of what I got out of the talk. 4 different women shared their opinions and not all were the same.
- My husband has put on a lot of weight since we got married and I’m no longer physically attracted to him. What do I do? – First, the ladies wanted to discuss the weight issue. Because we care about our husband’s health, it’s important to know the cause of the weight gain – thyroid issues, lifestyle changes, emotional issues? This is where having an open-line of communication with your spouse is important. As for the sex part, the Bible tells us that beauty is fleeting so we need to pray for God to increase our physical attraction toward our husband despite his weight gain. Practically, focus on the things you love about your husband and remember that it’s okay to dim the lights and slip under the covers.
- I had a Christian counselor tell me masturbation is okay. What does the Bible tell us? – The ladies gave a unanimous NO! Masturbation is false intimacy (see above). Intimacy is to be reserved for a husband and wife. In fact, the counselors went into the actual reactions and neuro-pathways that are created in your brain whenever you are aroused physically. Masturbating cause physiological and emotional changes that can make it very difficult to reach climax with your spouse. If you’re struggling with it, Robyn says read Daniel 1. You have to purpose in your heart not to do it and run from temptation.
- My husband wants to try oral sex. Is that okay? – All is permissible between you and your spouse as long as it is mutually beneficial, and you both want to try it. It’s important to experiment. God is creative. He created “it” so be creative with “it.” Key here is that you both need to feel comfortable about it. Again, communication is key here – before and after. Don’t be afraid to laugh when things go horribly wrong.
- How do I shut the craziness of life out at the end of the day so I can enjoy sex with my husband? – This is something that women especially struggle with. It’s important to talk with your spouse about what gets you in the mood and helps you focus on intimacy. For many women, this can be simple things like your husband doing the dishes or putting on music and dimming the lights. Our husbands want us to be fully present during intimacy and are often willing to help us get to that place. Ask him to put the kids down on his own while you relax with a glass of wine in the bath – whatever it takes for you to prepare yourself. I know Robyn’s book talks about your bedroom being a comfortable place. Keep it de-cluttered, comfortable and make sure that door lock works.
- I experienced sexual trauma before marriage and it seems to be affecting my sex life. How can I heal? – The key here is not to push through or ignore what you’re feeling. It must be addressed. First off, turn to the Lord. He is our ultimate healer and redeemer. He has the power to heal our hearts and redeem our tainted view of physical intimacy. Secondly, consider seeking professional, faith-based counseling. Trauma causes physiological changes in your brain. A lot of times, no matter how hard you fight it, any physical interaction can trigger those pathways in your brain and re-traumatize you. A professional counselor can help you work through that trauma and release those pathways in your brain. I can speak personally from this side of things. It’s so important to be able to talk with your spouse about your emotions and reluctancies. When you feel like rejecting him and pushing him away, sharing what you’re feeling can have the opposite effect and draw you closer to each other. Emotional safety with your spouse is really important here. If you don’t feel safe sharing with your spouse, I highly encourage lots of prayer and possibly counseling. And remember, you’re not alone. 1 in 3 women have experienced sexual trauma.