Love Truthfully

Where Transparency Breathes New Life

Never Miss an Update

  • Home
  • The Purpose
  • Wednesday Wife
  • Married Life
  • Pregnancy
  • Sex Talk
  • Our Travels

A Pattern of Disconnection

May 16, 2014 By: Shana4 Comments

I’m starting to see a pattern. A pattern I don’t like. A pattern I can’t figure out how to stop.

Ashlynne was gone on Friday which meant Casey and I had time to ourselves. It seems like that would be a good thing, but the pattern that we can’t seem to break is fighting once she leaves. It’s like her being gone and us being alone gives us a new freedom to address issues whenever we want and brings us to a realization that things aren’t quite right.

If you’ll remember, the last time she was gone was the time I ran away to the park. The time before that was the breakdown over a cancelled date to see the Steeldrivers. And so on and so forth. Every time we have one of these fights, I feel like we come out on the other side more emotionally connected and with a better understanding of each other. I even feel like we have a game plan of preventing similar blowups in the future, but I suppose I’ve been proven wrong.

So Friday night started off rough before Ashlynne even left. In fact, things got rocky as soon as Casey got home from work. We ended up in a small disagreement that we were able to hash out before Ashlynne returned from softball practice. I was excited as I felt like we had recognized our disconnection and taken immediate steps to repair. Not the best repair we’ve ever had, but in my mind, we were reconciled. I guess I was deceived.

It wasn’t an immediate blowup, but man did things hit the fan hard later that night. Everything was going quite well after our discussion. We were on a mission to come up with a game plan for getting the house packed over Spring Break so we sat down in front of my computer and made a list of ideas based off various articles I had found on Pinterest. Then we made a run to the liquor store for boxes and then Office Max and Big Lots for packing supplies. Not the most romantic evening, but it was nice time together. It wasn’t until we got in bed that things got bad. Sadly, our topic of disagreement was the same one as earlier. You know, the one I thought we had resolved.

It’s a topic that has plagued our marriage almost from day 1: physical intimacy. We’ve had so many fights come from that topic that the thought of it can make me cringe. So the topic came up as were lying in bed. As we started to try and repair it was clear that this wasn’t going to be like any other fight. Casey was beyond angry and frustrated, and I was beyond hurt. It wasn’t a good combination and led to one of the most explosive arguments we’ve ever had. But you know what else it led to? A flood of honesty and transparency.

Words were spoken that should have left our lips years ago. Our hearts were poured out in front of each other and for the first time, we were able to talk about physical intimacy in a new light, the same light. As we ended the night we hadn’t solved all of our issues or even this disagreement, but we had been able to draw closer together and reconnect.

Although I am thankful for the progress we made through this fight, I can’t say that I’m not fearful that it leads nowhere. We seem to be stuck in this cycle of disconnection, disagreement, and reconnection with hopes of staying connected more consistently, but ultimately, we keep finding ourselves back at disconnection. It’s like we see the immediate results of a deeper connection, but it quickly fades as we flow back into our normal routine, back in to what’s comfortable for us, which often means our marriage isn’t a priority. Then it all blows up when Ashlynne goes away for the weekend, and the distractions are gone.

Maybe next time will be different. Ashlynne will be gone for a full 10 days so that should give us enough time to establish some new routines and build on this emotional connection. That’s my prayer. In the meantime, we’ll be packing for our move to the new home. Did I mention we’re under contract? Let the chaos begin.

 

Originally written March 17, 2014

Days Like This

May 15, 2011 By: Shana14 Comments

I hate days like this. Days when there’s nothing you can do or say to knock down the wall that’s between you and your spouse. It all started with an unresolved disagreement before bed, that was really an unresolved disagreement from weeks ago. Our counselor would say it’s a vignette that’s been going on far too long, but for some reason, we just can’t seem to close this one. So of course, that carries over all through the night. The person that said “just sleep it off” didn’t know what he was talking about. The anger and hurt just slowly simmers overnight until it’s a boiling pot by morning. That led to me dumping that pot of boiling water on Casey first this morning and by the time I brought it up, it had really become a hearty stew. So pot of boiling water dumped, Casey now covered in “blisters”… not such a good morning. Now there’s more than one vignette left unresolved and each carries a weight that’s hard to bear. Anger stirs over little things like who is taking the dog out, but we both know that’s not the issue. Driving to church, anger billowing throughout the car, but silently we sit. At church we sit next to friends, raise our hands and Casey even gives me the “sweet couple” arm around the back. We’re professionals. For a moment, I start to believe that we are actually better. That the vignettes are closed and we are reengaging. Then we get in the car. The clouds of anger were patiently waiting in the car for us to return. (We should have left the windows open). Casey’s blisters were slowly festering out anger and resentment as the steam from my boiling water emitted hurt and anger into the air. By the time we get home, after 20 minutes of short words and silence, my pot boils over and Casey’s blisters burst. And now here we are, sitting in one of those days. We’re no longer just slyly avoiding eye contact or physical contact for that matter. Now we are blatantly residing in different rooms, doors slammed shut. And the vignette drags on…  I could definitely do without days like this.

  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Pinterest
  • RSS
  • Twitter
  • YouTube

Meet the Wife

Hi! I'm a semi-newlywed living in a small town outside of Nashville with my husband, Casey, our baby boy, teen niece, and hyperactive dog, Minny. I'm a new mom and marketing consultant at BeEngaging.com that loves Jesus and won't eat anything with 4 legs. I talk about marriage, pregnancy, parenting and everything in between. I believe real growth only happens through transparency. Join me on the journey. Read More…

Featured Post

Truly a Weekend to Remember

Casey and I have known about family Life’s Weekend to Remember conference since before we were married. After 3 years of marriage, we finally attended one here in Nashville with about 15 other couples from our church. Although I had always thought we should go before, there’s a reason God had us wait until now. […]

Recent Posts

  • Thoughts from a 5am Cuddle Session
  • Mine for a Moment
  • Silas Graham is 3 Months Old!

Archives

Connect on Instagram

Photo
Followers
Followings

Photo Life

    Connect on Twitter

    My Tweets

    Tags

    25 things at 25 anger anniversary ashlynne Bible birth book review celebration communication community conflict connection counseling culture date divorce failure faith family family life financial struggle fitness gifts for spouse God health holiday Home husband illness in-laws labor leadership mckelvy military miscarriage missions money moving parenting pregnancy sex silas submission wedding writing

    Looking for something?

    Categories

    Copyright © 2021 · Modern Blogger Pro Theme By, Pretty Darn Cute Design