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A Song Knocks Me on My Face, Where I Can Just Be Me

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It’s that moment when you’re driving down the road, and your world is in control – or so you think. Sure life is kind of crazy right now, but you’re doing a decent job keeping the plates spinning. Then that song comes on. You know the one. It may be the first time you’ve heard it or you may have heard it a hundred times before, but it hits you in a whole new way – like a ton of bricks. Before you know it, tears are flowing down your cheeks, and all of the sudden yours eyes are opened to your own delusion.

I had that moment the other day. Life has been a little chaotic lately with a baby on the way and working through the process of getting custody of my 13-year-old niece. Going from zero to two kids in a matter of months caught me just a little bit off-guard, but like I always do, I handled it. I didn’t panic. I wasn’t nervous. I just did what I had to do to hold the pieces together and make sure my world kept spinning. I was doing just fine – or so I thought. Then that song came on the radio and my façade could no longer be ignored.

I’ve been doing all that I can
To hold it all together
Piece by piece.
I’ve been feeling like a failure,
Trying to be braver
Than I could ever be.
It’s just not me.

So be my healer, be my comfort, be my peace.
Cause I can be broken, I can be needy,
Lord I need You now to be,
Be my God, so I can just be me.

Laura Story – So I Can Just Be Me

“Oh God! That’s me!”

Before I could make it home the tears were streaming. I silenced the radio as God’s convictions were flooding my heart and mind. I was having a revelation (one I wasn’t too excited about) as the Holy Spirit spoke to the very core of my soul.

Let go. Just let go of all the things of this world that you are holding onto. Stop trying to fill the empty place in your soul with temporary satisfactions. I am the only thing that can fill that void. It is My home in your heart, made perfectly for Me. You keep trying to ignore what you know is emptiness due to My absence. You mask it with temporary pleasures and earthly solutions. You “fix” things. You try and hold your world together on your own, and you fail every time. You fail because it’s not your job. You weren’t made to carry these burdens alone. You need to allow Me to be your God so that you can just be you.

You’re under a lot of stress right now because the waves of change are coming. You feel like a tsunami is on the horizon, but it’s all your perspective. You’ve stared at it so long your mind is focused on it instead of Me. Don’t you think times like this are when your eyes should be fixed on Me? Don’t you think you’re better off clinging to Me than yourself? You have no chance facing this storm on your own, but I am the Great I Am. I have authority over the seas that rage. I am the only one that can calm the storm. They say I don’t ever give you more than you can handle, but that’s not true. You can’t handle this. You can’t handle owning a business, being a wife, adopting a teenager, and having a baby. You can’t handle these things alone. No one can, but together we can.

 You’re always trying to do more than you need to – trying to be superwoman. Then you find yourself failing, falling short of what you thought possible. “Where are you God?” you cry out. You wonder why I haven’t come to your rescue. Have you read My Word? Seek and you will find. Knock and I will answer. When was the last time you knocked on My door? When was the last time you sought My presence? And you wonder why I’m nowhere to be found.

Do you think I enjoy this – this distance from My beloved daughter’s heart? Do you think I find joy in watching you flail around in the rising waters? It pains my soul to watch, to sit idly by as you anger and hurt, to have my whisper be drowned out by the storm you’ve created. I desire to be by your side. Even more, I long to carry you through. This weight is not yours to bear. Let me be your God, your Mighty Warrior, your Healer, and give yourself the freedom to just be you, whatever that looks like at the moment. I have not left you unprepared for this new journey. In fact, I have been preparing you all your life. So just relax and welcome me back in, so you and I can enjoy the ride together.

“Yes, God. I need to stop trying to be You because there can only be one God in my life, one ruler, and I wasn’t made to fill that role. I was made to need You, and I do, desperately. Only now, I see that clearly, and I’m ready – ready to be “broken and needy” so that I can know and experience Your Fullness in my life again.”

That song was the key that opened my eyes to my reality, and to God’s desire for His beloved daughter. God used the lyrics to grant me the freedom to let go of control, and fall on my knees before Him. It was just a brief moment that is now a continuous reminder of His great love for me, and how no matter how much I try to deny it, my life is not meant to be lived without Him.

The Battle of Comparison: Breeding Envy & Fear

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The other day I had a sweet time with my friend, Stacey. It was a little over a year ago that Stacey and I were both hanging out with some friends and I overheard her praising her husband, glowing as she talked about how he prays for her often. A friend, everything in me wanted to find joy in her happiness, but my flesh was aching. Casey and I were in the midst of a rocky marriage and hearing her joy was difficult for me. I wanted what she had, or at least for her to stop talking about it.

It’s so easy to compare our lives to those around us, but the road of envy is a dangerous one to take. What may seem like subtle comparisons can quickly lead us down a path that ends in a self-righteous spirit of entitlement. We start to ask, “Why them and not us? We did pre-engagement and pre-marital counseling. We did this right. We deserve a great marriage.”

Although in the moment I believe the lie, I know the truth is we don’t deserve anything. It’s all a blessing from the Lord, despite our sinfulness. His plans are always better than ours, and He has a unique path for each of us. We get in trouble when we start trying to drift into someone else’s lane.

In sharing these thoughts with Stacey, it became clear that we had both tasted the spoiled fruit of comparison. Stacey had people tell her she shouldn’t talk about her happy marriage because those in unhappy marriages (like I was) might have trouble hearing that. I had been told I shouldn’t share about my trials in marriage because those that long to be married, but remain single, will feel I am taking my marriage for granted, thankless.

Although people think they are protecting others, they are merely feeding another struggle of the flesh. Fighting envy with fear. We now fear being honest because we fear other people’s response. That fear of man can keep us from speaking our reality, our truth, and can keep Him from being able to use our story for His glory.

We must own where God has us and allow others to own their response.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t be sensitive to others’ feelings, but the fear of man is binding and leaves us imprisoned and without community – right where the devil wants us. So no matter if you’re on the sharing or receiving end, we have to trust that there is a reason and time for everything we do or don’t endure.

You know that day that Stacey shared about her happy marriage, I was blinded by my flesh, but now I see why that is the path God had for her. He knew what was waiting down her lane. I won’t go into all the trials that Stacey is currently enduring, but she has needed the solid foundation of her marriage to keep her strong and comforted throughout this trying time. That is her lane, not mine, or yours.

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Although marriage has been the most relevant area of comparison for the last few years, that’s changed as many are having babies and many more are struggling to conceive and carry a healthy baby to term. I’m sure it’s difficult for those trying to conceive to walk into church on Sunday and hear the coos of babies or hold their friend’s precious daughter during worship. Surrounded by all the babies, it’s a constant reminder of what God is currently withholding from them. I’m sure they struggle to not let the anguish and envy of their flesh takeover.

But there’s another side of that coin as well. As someone that is newly trying to conceive, and somewhat reluctantly so, I fear getting pregnant right away. Of course a big part of that is the fear of being a mom and all that it entails, but there’s also a fear of man. I fear sitting on Erica’s porch and telling her I’m pregnant. I fear calling Meredith and Anna with the news. Not because I think they will respond negatively, I know they will be more than happy for me, but I am familiar with the battle against the flesh they will face. I know that they might find themselves struggling with envy or in the least, reminded of their infertility and aching inside. For that reason, I will be sensitive to how I share the news if and when that day comes, but I must fight my fear of sharing where God has me and how motherhood might be shaping or even straining me. I have to trust that God will comfort them, and use their brokenness, just like he has mine.

In the meantime, all I can do is pray more diligently for my dear friends to conceive a healthy baby, even if I’m still not ready to pray that prayer for myself.

 

 

Becoming Grace-Based Parents

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This weekend Casey and I attended a parenting conference. I’m sure you’re wondering why two people without kids would attend such a conference. It’s like training camp for football players or bootcamp for soldiers. You see, in about 9 months we will be parents, welcoming a beautiful child into out home.

In just 9 short months our life is going to be turned upside down as we step onto a new battlefield. Thankfully, we have time to prepare our hearts and minds to welcome this sweet child into a home where she will be able to feel safe, supported and prepared to thrive as an adult. We are taking every opportunity that comes our way to make sure we are prepared.

Dr. Tim Kimmel has devoted the latter part of his life to speaking and teaching the truth about Biblical parenting in a way that is easily understood, applied, and creates life change that impacts your family for generations to come. This Friday and Saturday event was so full of wise parenting advice that I can’t even begin to summarize it for you. Thankfully, Dr. Kimmel has put together a great visual reminder of everything we learned about how to be a grace-based parent, and no, it doesn’t mean be nice and let them get away with everything. Not at all.

Becoming-Grace-Based-Parents

Dr. Kimmel describes the model.

I truly believe this is a chart that all parents should know, understand and apply. So I encourage you to attend a grace-based parenting conference near you, host a small group in your home, or at least read the book. Click here to find all those resources.

So what’s next for us? We are going to spend 15 minutes every week for the next 9 months going through our notebook from the weekend to begin implementing and practicing grace-based living in our home so we are ready when our little bundle of joy arrives next summer. Okay. So maybe she’s not quite so little, but she is a bundle of joy and we are honored to get to guide her through her teenage years.

Some might call taking in our 14 year old niece insane, but we could not be more excited. Just like with any child, I’m confident she is going to bless us and teach us more than we ever could her. And we are ready, with hearts full of grace, to love her like our own.

Why So Many Wives

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Recently I’ve been spending my time in the car catching up on the Old Testament thanks to the Bible.Is app on my iPhone. I’m learning a lot about the Old Testament culture via the books of Samuel & Kings. One thing I just don’t get is how all of these guys had so many wives and concubines. I mean really, wasn’t God revering these dudes as men that did what was right in the eyes of the Lord? How did we jump from the Old Testament where the men had many wives and prostitutes to today where we tout monogamy? I’m not saying we should be polygamist. I’m saying the Old Testament should have been a little more clear that having 500 wives or 10 wives wasn’t exactly God’s favorite thing, but maybe I just haven’t gotten to that part yet.

I just don’t understand how these men did it. I mean, it’s hard enough for Casey to have one wife. Granted I’m probably a little more strong-willed and high maintenance than the wives of the Old Testament, but still. How did these fellas keep all those wives happy? Did they even know their names? And what was the difference between a wife and a concubine? Why didn’t they just have one wife and lots of concubines? I definitely sense that the wives of the Old Testament were ruled over and “managed” more than they were partners in a marriage. I suppose it’d be easier to handle 20 wives when you have them all under your thumb and they cower at your presence than one wife that’s an equal partner. If Solomon were living in “love your wife as Christ loved the Church times” of Ephesians 5:25, would he still have so many wives? Who knows. With as hard as it’s been to maintain one marriage, I can’t imagine Casey opting in to another one.

Obedience Over Sacrifice

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When listening to 1 Samuel 15 on my way to work the other day, I was reminded of an important truth. There’s a point when God tells Saul to go to battle and not leave any person or animal alive. Upon winning the battle, Saul has his people bring the best animals back to him to sacrifice to God. That’s considerate of him right? Actually, God was pretty ticked off. Not because of the sacrifice, but because Saul was not obedient to God. In that moment, God made it clear that obedience was more important than sacrifice.

In marriage, you have to work together to make the best decisions for your family. Casey and I try to keep our eyes focused on Christ when making our decisions, but sometimes we can become blinded by sacrifice. When we were first married, Casey and I were spending a lot of time trying to stay in touch with friends and even more time serving in East Nashville. We were sacrificing for others, for God, but we realize now that we were not being obedient. God calls us to make our marriage a priority and although we were sacrificing, we were not giving attention to our marriage. We ended up so disconnected that it took leaving almost all of our commitments to reconnect. It’s weird to think that we can be serving others and sacrificing our time, money and talents for God, but he’s disappointed because despite our sacrifice, we were still being disobedient. Has there been a time in your life when you’ve been sacrificing or serving, just to realize that you were being disobedient to God?

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