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Rediscovering Pure, Simple Love

April 24, 2014 By: Shanacomment

It feels like spring. It’s early Sunday morning, and I’m wide awake thanks to this feisty baby in my belly and crazy vivid dreams. The windows are open. The air is warm, but there’s a cool crispness and thickness to it that tells of the rain and freezing temperatures that are on their way. I’m sad this warmth will be gone soon as I anxiously await the more consistent warmth of spring, but I’m thankful for these few days of relief from the chill. Rumor has it there are more to come this weekend. Every warm day is a reminder that Baby B will be here soon. Although my due date is still 3 months away, I know those weeks are going to fly by and before I know it, our beautiful bundle will be wrapped in my arms. Speaking of kids, Ashlynne has been gone the last two weekends. Last weekend she was at church camp where she got to experience true fellowship with other young believers. This weekend is her time with her mom. We’ve missed having her here, but Casey and I really needed these last two weekends to ourselves.

It’s no secret that we’ve been pretty disconnected and really struggling to find a way to continue to make our marriage a priority while focusing on becoming parents to Ashlynne. We’ve done a pretty decent job (praise God!) with the latter, but the former has suffered greatly. All of our disconnection and frustrations came to a head again last weekend. Finally some time together to talk, which meant stepping into the puddle. Both angry and hurting, it didn’t go well. In fact, it went so bad that I didn’t know what else to do, but run away. I disappeared to the local park and journaled for 3 hours straight while soaking up the sun. I was thankful to be alone and thankful for the sun. Not just because I needed its warmth, but because it gave me an excuse to wear sunglasses which was a much-needed shield for my tears.

I poured my heart onto the page and sorted through months, maybe even years, of heartache, anger, and disappointment. It was brutal and left me with only one thing – prayer.

There was nothing else to do, but pray.

Eventually hunger called me home, or maybe it was the middle school boy’s birthday party that was slowly taking over the picnic tables surrounding me. Either way, I arrived home to find Casey on the porch with his friend, Ryan. I hid inside until Ryan left and Casey and I were alone again. He’d been complaining a lot lately about not hearing my heart so I made the decision to let him read what I had journaled. Maybe not the best idea I’ve ever had, but it seemed good at the time. He immediately disappeared to read through my multiple pages of pain as I prayed he would see my hurt and not his own inadequacies. What’s that thing about God not answering our prayers how and when we want? This was one of those times.

His heart was hardened to my pain and focused on what he did “wrong.” So naturally, he wrote me a letter about all the things I’ve done wrong and all I heard was “you’re a terrible wife.” Ouch! Yeah, no healing there folks. After reading his letter we talked a lot about the word LOVE and what it means. Casey defaulted to…

“What do you want me to do? What does love look like to you? Let me know and I’ll fix my checklist because I thought I was doing a good job.”

The problem is that love does not equal service or a list of to do items. It doesn’t fix pain. It joins it and sits right in the pit with it.

Even more, you can’t fake the heart behind it. As long as doing the dishes is a chore or a box on the checklist that’s the perceived gateway to physical intimacy, it can’t be called love. The most frustrating part of all this is that I think all of our counseling has made love a complicated word for us. But it was so easy, so natural when we were dating. No one had to give us a checklist or game plan because our loving actions came from an overflowing of our hearts.

It was our desire, not our duty, to love one another well.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am very thankful for all of our counseling. It has been and continues to be invaluable to us when it comes to emotional healing, communication, and conflict resolution, but a side effect is that it made love, pure and simple love, complicated.

rediscovering-pure-simple-love

Although that Saturday was difficult, we stepped way down deep into the mud and eventually found each other there. And amazingly, we stopped trying to dig our own way out or bury the other person deeper; we simply joined hands and sat there together. Messed up. Muddy. Stained. Helpless. Crying out to our Loving, Almighty God to restore our love for each other and help us make our marriage a priority again.

Ultimately, we came up with a game plan for recognizing disconnection and gave ourselves permission to stop everything to reconnect, and we started first thing Sunday morning by (Gasp!) skipping church to give us a little extra time together before Ashlynne returned. (Yeah, I know. We’re big time sinners.)

That was not how I wanted to spend our weekend alone, but we have reaped the fruit of reconciliation throughout this week through intentional connection, prayer and small moments that are full of love. This weekend was our first alone time in a while that wasn’t consumed by disconnection and repair. This weekend we saw how God had pulled us out of that mud pit, and we basked in the sun’s rays. Nothing fancy. Nothing even planned. Just pure, simple love.

You know the greatest part about all of this? The most amazing part?

It’s not that our marriage has yet again been renewed, it’s that a Mighty King that conquered the grave loves us enough to care when we’re stuck in the mud pit. And instead of standing high and mighty over us, condemning us for not being vigilant enough to avoid the hazard, He humbles himself, pulls up his stark white pants and steps into the mud with us, leading us out and then washing us clean on the other side. He could have just left us there. He could have given up on us.

“They’re in that mud pit again? Good gracious! When will they learn?”

But He loves us more! No, we don’t deserve his recue and there’s nothing we could do to earn it. Yet he simply waits eagerly by for our cry for help and then joins us in our mess. Now that’s a Savior! Yes, that is pure, simple love.

 

Originally written on March 2, 2014.

The Wednesday Wife: Alyssa Hutto

March 26, 2014 By: Shanacomment

Over the last few weeks I have had the pleasure of sharing some incredible marriage stories with you. This one is no different, but it’s not necessarily a story of a redeemed marriage like many others are.

Casey and I have had the pleasure of walking through marriage with Jarred and Alyssa from the beginning. Their rock solid foundation and focus on the Lord has been an inspiration for us.

Alyssa is wise beyond her years thank to some amazing mentors in her life so definitely take some time to read this and soak in her advice. 

Please remember that when we share like this we are leaving ourselves vulnerable. This is our chance to love on Alyssa. Please make sure to leave a comment thanking her for sharing or letting her know how her story has encouraged or comforted you.

Alyssa Hutto married her husband, Jarred, on July 24, 2010. 

wednesday-wife-alyssa-hutto

1)  Tell us your courtship story. How did you meet and end up married?

Jarred and I met at a mutual friend’s birthday party. He walked across the room and introduced himself and we ended up talking for the next hour and a half. I joked with a friend later that night that I may have met my husband… turns out I did! We went on our first date two weeks later and 6 weeks after that, we knew we were going to get married.

Being pursued by Jarred was different than any dating relationship I had experienced before him. I remember telling my friends that for the first time I had no anxiety or questions about his intentions. I felt complete peace in my heart because I finally knew what it meant to be pursued by a godly man. Jarred asked for my parents’ blessing at that point, but it took a couple of months for them to be fully on board with such a quick engagement, so we got engaged 5 months after we met and married 4 months later.

2)  On your wedding day, if someone asked you why you were getting married, what would you have said?

We knew that our whirlwind dating and engagement needed to be covered in wisdom and discernment, so we were constantly evaluating our purpose together from the minute we started dating and talking about marriage. We wrote in our vows that our hope was that we would glorify God more as husband and wife than alone. We both believed that was the higher purpose of marriage, and that we had found the person that would encourage us the most in our walk with the Lord. We also knew that we had found a best friend with whom we wanted to share deeper emotional and physical intimacy and that God would bless that desire once we were married.

3)   If someone asked you today why you have stayed married, what would you say?

Truthfully, the past 3 years of marriage have not been difficult – we love being married. So really, we have stayed married because we want to be together this way. But we’re not naive and know that there may be times in the future when we don’t “like” each other and staying married is a challenge. If/when those times come, we will stay married because we vowed to God that we would. Even more binding than our promise to each other is our promise to God that we will obey him and remain faithful to each other until He parts us.

My husband loves God even more than he loves me, and that brings me such security, because regardless of how he feels about me on a given day, he will fight to keep his promise to God to always love me and be my husband.

4)  Do you have children? If so, how has having children affected your marriage?

We have a wild and crazy 7-month-old baby boy named Brockson. Having a child has shaken up our life in every way possible – we are being challenged like never before. It has drawn us together even tighter as a husband and wife because we now have a little soul to guide and raise for a holy purpose. To be united in that is a beautiful thing to get to do alongside someone. Realizing that God entrusted the two of you with one of his most precious creations is a reality check and forces you to evaluate what you are living for as a family. But it has been tough on us for sure. All of the things that we love in our marriage and have felt so carefree about  – continuing our dating relationship, enjoying sexual intimacy, growing spiritually together – are now at war with the exhaustion of being new parents and having a little person constantly present with us. We have to really fight for the energy to be emotionally and physically intimate at the end of a long day.

5)   What has been one of your greatest trials in your marriage and how did you all overcome it?

See above. 🙂 We’re still working at it – having a child is not a trial to overcome – but it’s been the hardest challenge we’ve encountered and yet it’s another gift that we are so thankful for in our marriage. We want at least 4 kids so this isn’t a problem to be conquered and fixed. It’s just one of those times when you’re forced to learn how to continue to grow closer emotionally, physically, and spiritually, when it doesn’t just happen naturally anymore.

We are climbing out of the pit of survival mode by identifying the things that need to happen in order for us to be able to focus on our marriage. So for me, that means I need to get sleep and exercise to feel mentally and physically present in our marriage. For Jarred, that means being more disciplined in his spiritual growth so that he can continue to be the godly leader our family needs and depends on.

6)   What has been the most challenging aspect of being a wife?

Having someone see all of your struggles and sin is a very vulnerable and humbling experience and there is no escaping it. I can’t hide things I struggle with anymore. Someone is there (besides God) watching and witnessing the mess and ugly side of my heart. I don’t like being exposed like that. Being a wife means I’ve lost the battle with perfection because there’s no fooling the husband who sees everything. But God gave me the most grace-giving, patient, forgiving husband, so there is actually so much freedom in not being able to hide anymore!

7)  How has being a wife changed you?

I think becoming a wife helped me shed so many of my insecurities. All of my insecurities were rooted in fear of not being loved. Being loved by Jarred made me feel like a beautiful woman for the first time in my life. I could stop “trying” and “striving” to feel beautiful because whatever I was, was completely enough for him. Jarred validated my femininity in a way no one had before. To him, I’m beautiful because of my feminine side – I’m emotional, I’m sensitive, I need him and his strength, I want to be cherished. He showed me that those aren’t things to be ashamed of or to try to overcome.

I am married to a strong and sensitive man who leads me so well. I feel so safe and protected because I’m his wife. And that’s all a credit to him and how he loves me and cares for me. I do believe that God allowed me to experience a man like Jarred taking my heart and my life and treating it with such importance and care, and having no fear of what he might do with it, all so that I would have a tangible hint of how God feels about me. That’s a soul changing realization.

8)  What does date night look like for you?

Our favorite date is picking up sandwiches at this little Amish country store and going wine tasting at Arrington Vineyards. It’s a good chance to relax over a glass of wine and we make a point of talking about the things we’re grateful for in our present life and our hopes for the future. We also love getting dressed up to go out to dinner and then going home to snuggle watching a movie. We have to get more creative now with a baby, but having friends with babies means we get to trade off for free babysitting, so that helps!

9)  What are the top three things/people that pull you away from or compete with your marriage? How do you deal with them?

Technology is the biggest one. I mean smartphones, iPads, TV, etc. I love it and hate it at the same time. There is a slow unraveling of intimate relationships happening on the wave of technology and social media and it takes some serious awareness and boundaries to stop technology from replacing real, vital relationships with superficial empty ones. With our newfound parental exhaustion, it’s so easy to check out in front of the TV or on our phones but it leaves us so empty and not rested at all. So we’re trying to set limits and not bare our souls out on Facebook, but instead in our living room with our family and close friends.

Finances cause strain, of course, but we’re learning to adjust. Thankfully, neither of us is a big spender and we are pretty aligned when it comes to money, so we never had to follow a strict budget and just enjoyed moderate spending on dates and vacations. But I stopped working to stay home when Brockson was born so cutting out an entire income is a big adjustment. We both knew we wanted me to stay home to raise our children and that they’re a better investment than any home or possession we could buy with a second income. We’ve seen God honor that by providing a great job for my husband. So this far, we’re making it work!

Again, becoming parents definitely adds a new challenge to marriage. But our kid(s) will thrive the most when our marriage is strong so we are focused on putting our marriage relationship first and know our kids will reap the benefits from that.

10)  What role has community played in your marriage?

Embarking on our marriage journey with other couples and mentors is by far the most important thing we have done and the greatest contributor to the health of our marriage. While dating, an older couple with an amazing marriage was individually mentoring us, and we also got to go through several months of premarital counseling with the pastor who married us and his wife. As newlyweds, we joined a group of other young newlywed couples at our church and basically shared our first two years of marriage ups and downs together each week. The couple who led that group (read the wife’s story) invited us into their home and family and deserve so much credit for making sure 8 young couples made it through the first couple years.  We share a history with those couples that no one else will ever quite touch. I don’t know where we’d be if we didn’t have them in our lives starting out as a young married couple and still now as young parents. It’s so important to have like-minded friends to encourage you and support you.

11)  What’s the one thing you wish someone had told you before marriage?

The lady that has mentored me for the past four years has given me so many valuable pieces of wisdom that she DID tell me before marriage, and they proved to be so true and so important. She said never talk badly about your husband to anyone, and don’t just reject your husband if you aren’t feeling up for sex – explain your heart to him and make a promise for a better time for the two of you to be intimate, that way he won’t feel rejected and you both have something to look forward to.

12)  If you have one final thought or piece of advice to share with current or future wives, what would it be?

I think sexual intimacy is so vital to the overall health of a marriage, so fighting for that is important.  We have to actively pursue it and not put it on the back burner. If you don’t enjoy it or something isn’t right, talk about it and get help. Do whatever you have to do to maintain sexual intimacy. Guard your marriage bed and keep it holy. Talk openly about it with your husband, with encouraging girlfriends, wise older women, a therapist, etc.

The Wednesday Wife: Cassie Celestain

February 12, 2014 By: Shana6 Comments

I am so excited to get to introduce my friends and readers to this week’s Wednesday Wife! Cassie and I only know each other virtually, but we are walking a similar journey. In fact, Cassie and her husband, Ryan, are expecting their first baby soon after our Baby B is due!

Cassie is also a marriage blogger over at True Agape. She offers lots of great marriage advice, creative ideas, and resources to help you strengthen your marriage. Definitely check out her blog after you read this!

When you read Cassie’s story, you’ll probably notice a lot of similarities between Cassie and me. However, you’ll also notice quite a few differences, the most obvious one being that Cassie and her husband are rockstar athletes. Count me out on that one 😉

I hope you enjoy getting to know Cassie and hopefully learn a little about communication within your marriage along the way.

Please remember that when we share like this we are leaving ourselves vulnerable. This is our chance to love on Cassie and Ryan. Please make sure to leave a comment thanking her for sharing or letting her know how her story has encouraged or comforted you.

Cassie Celestain married her husband, Ryan, on October 29, 2011.

wednesday-wife-cassie-celestain

1)    Tell us your courtship story. How did you meet and end up married?

On one morning in October of 2010 I set out to do a 15k running race. I had started running a few months previously and recently moved to town. I heard this was a great race to do, but couldn’t talk anyone into participating with me. I decided to go solo and do it anyways. After the race I was standing around waiting for the race result which was taking a very long time. I overheard two guys talking about their times and comparing them to last year. Seeing how it sounded like they had done this before I asked them about how the results worked. We all started chatting from there. When it was time to leave we all left with a, “See you around.” That day we all Facebook friended each other. (Ryan and my perspectives on how we met are a bit different!)

Ryan and I chatted for a while on Facebook and ended up meeting up the next evening. We literally talked for hours that night and about some really deep stuff. From there we started dating. In September 2011 Ryan and I went to Switzerland where Ryan raced in the World Championships for dualthon. That is where he proposed! Since so much of our relationship was surrounded by racing we decided to compete in the race we met at and then get married a few hours later with a running themed wedding. The only issue was that was only 7 weeks away! We planned our wedding in 7 weeks which was actually pretty simple. It was the best day ever!

2)    On your wedding day if someone had asked why you were getting married, what would you have said?

From the day that we met up and talked for hours, I felt like Ryan really understood me. My mom has always said I was “beyond my years” and always had a hard time finding people that understood my beliefs, desires, morals, and just me in general. With Ryan I felt like I could be completely open. I didn’t have that feeling of needing to be artificial. Every time we were together I felt completely accepted and loved. It is a feeling that I have never had before Ryan entered my life.

3)    If someone asked you today why you have stayed married, what would you say?

I would say for sure the same as above. The biggest thing in our marriage is being accepting and willing. Accepting of thoughts, feeling, and desires and willing to put the other person first when it comes to those things. When both parties are continuing to seek each other out in this way it makes for a very enjoyable and happy marriage!

4)    Do you have children? If so, how has having children affected your marriage?

We have a baby on the way! Our little one will be arriving in this world in early July. There has not been big changes yet in our marriage because of pregnancy. However, I would say the biggest difference is Ryan being in tune to my different needs. He is considerate of my fatigue. He discusses and listens when it comes to topics about the pregnancy and baby. Mostly, he has done great at helping reassure me in areas that I need it in through this time of change.

5)    What has been one of your greatest trials in your marriage and how did you all overcome it?

The greatest trial really started at the beginning of our relationship, not marriage. I think for the both of us we had relationships that had failed previously because we were not accepting and willing. A lot of this comes through in communication or lack thereof. For me in the beginning it was making the effort to change my communication style. In previous relationships if I was to get frustrated I would try to deal with it internally, but it would build up. I made a conscious choice that if ANYTHING bothered me I one had to evaluate it and two bring it up. If something is bothering me and it lasts for more than a day I know I need to talk to Ryan about it. Having this kind of communication from the beginning has helped us not have these verbal attacks after weeks/months of built up emotions.

6)    What has been the most challenging aspect of being a wife?

The most challenging aspect of being a wife for me has been to NOT become a nagging wife. Ryan and I have very different styles of getting things done. I am a doer. I always have several lists going. To-do lists, project lists, garden lists, ideas lists, etc, etc. When I have a thought or idea I get to it pretty quickly. If something needs to be done I believe in that quote, “Never put off until tomorrow, what you can do today.”

Ryan on the other hand is more of a procrastinator. Or we also say he does well under pressure. Which is actually very true! He works with deadlines and gets things done in that way. I knew early on that if I was not careful I could become a nagger. I would want him to get things done at my speed or in my time frame. I could easily continue to mention something over and over until it just irritated him to the extreme. I was reading a section in the book For Women Only when it talked more about this. It really helped me to let go of being aggravated that he doesn’t work at the same speed as me. We are different in that way and it is okay!

7)    How has being a wife changed you?

I have always been a person that tends to take care of others. I just enjoy it. So becoming a wife really came easy to me. It is easy to care for someone you love so much. The not so easy part was changing in the way of being vulnerable. When you enter marriage with your best friend (like no other best friend you have ever had) and you love them more than you could ever imagine yourself loving someone, you have to be vulnerable. That was a bit of a change for me. I had always safeguarded certain topics or feelings. But now this man knows EVERYTHING about me and has the ability to crush my heart and soul in a matter of seconds. That was a change!

Good news is as I mentioned early from that first conversation I felt different with Ryan. I have always felt safe. Only rarely when the devil steps in do I ever feel like Ryan could crush my heart. I quickly dismiss those thoughts with positive thoughts and prayer!

8)    What does date night look like for you?

With our schedule, dates are typically early instead of the evening so we call them “date mornings” or “date afternoons.” 🙂  We will often go to a matinée movie, or do a run or bike ride together. We also do a lot of things at home: watch Youtube videos, try new things like origami or cook dinner.

9)    What are the top three things/people that pull you away from or compete with your marriage? How do you deal with them?

  1. Busy body makes for a busy brain: When I have a lot of projects going on it makes my thoughts very busy. Then when we do have time to spend together I often have to work on putting those aside to pay attention to us rather than just being there. Creating lists so I don’t have to remember everything helps with this.
  2. Ryan’s training schedule: We are on the journey of Ryan becoming a professional triathlete. This means on top of his full time job he trains at least 20 hours a week. He works out about 3 evenings a week and has long (2-6hrs) workouts on Saturday and Sunday. For us this is a lifestyle and we have choose this. However, sometimes it does feel like it takes away quality time. We work very hard to stay on a schedule so that we know what time we have available, but also we make sure to eat dinner together every night. This allows us to connect daily no matter the schedule.
  3. Sorry I really can’t think of a third one…

10)    What role has community played in your marriage?

We both have our own communities that we spend time with such as the women’s bible study group and neighborhood association for me and Ryan’s friends that are athletes or his mastermind group. I believe for us these communities give us support outside of each other which is crucial. We also together will go out with other couples or to learning events. Each time we leave a place we have a discussion on what we learned, a person’s outlook, or how we can implement things into our life. Outings like that help stretch us as a couple past where we currently are.

11)     What’s one thing you wish someone had told you before marriage?

I wish someone would have told me how great and amazing it was going to be! I know that sounds corny, but really! When we were planning our wedding so many people had negative things to say. Things like: “The first year of marriage is the hardest.”, “Life will never be the same…” or “Get use to that now it is only going to get worse.” During that time frame I really started to see why so many marriages don’t last or why people are so unhappy in marriage. All I wanted was for someone to tell me was: “What a special time this is! “Enjoy every minute of it!” and “Marriage is only going to make you a better and stronger person!”

12)    If you have one final thought or piece of advice to share with current or future wives, what would it be?

Read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman and then learn how to speak your husband’s Love Language!!!

I truly feel like after reading this book most problems in relationships come down to people not speaking the correct Love Language. Chapman talks about everyone feels love differently. However, we tend to “speak” love in the way that we like to receive it which most often is not the same our husband likes to receive it. That then leaves people feeling unappreciated and unloved. When really people just don’t know this concept. It is a must-read!

The Wednesday Wife: Kelly Bailey

January 29, 2014 By: Shana1 Comment

I am so glad that I get to share my sweet friend, Kelly’s, marriage story with you all. So often my blog has been full of the ups and downs that Casey and I have endured throughout our marriage, but I want you to know that not every couple endures such hardships within marriage.

Kelly and Nate’s marriage is beautiful picture of a marriage that just works, and God knew what He was doing. But even still, there’s much to learn and no one would say their marriage is “perfect.” They needed a strong marriage to endure some of the trials they’ve had to face together. Just another picture of how every path in life is uniquely designed and there is not one greater than another. 

She doesn’t talk about it much, but Kelly is an incredible artist. From graphic design to portraits that will seriously blow your mind and melt your heart, you want to see what she does with this awesome gift God gave her. Take a look at The Artist of Life. 

Please remember that when we share like this we are leaving ourselves vulnerable. This is our chance to love on Kelly. Please make sure to leave a comment thanking her for sharing or letting her know how her story has encouraged or comforted you.

Kelly Bailey married her husband, Nate, on October 26, 2008.

 wednesday-wife-kelly-bailey

1)    Tell us your courtship story. How did you meet and end up married?

Nate and I had heard of each other by name from mutual friends, but didn’t meet in person until Inversion (a young adult group at Fellowship Bible Church) had an outing: The Amazing Race.  We weren’t paired on the same team, but I remember seeing him and hearing his name, thinking “So THAT’S the all-famous Nate I keep hearing about!”  This was in July of 2006.

Over the next few months, we saw each other in group settings and then realized that we worked out at the same gym and lived literally within walking distance of each other.  He knew a bit about training and I knew nothing, so he offered to work out with me.  (He claims that he had no interest in me at the time, and he’s sticking with that story.)  I thought he was great, but didn’t have googly eyes for him or anything.  He was so kind to everyone, I couldn’t tell if he treated me any differently.

In November, Nate had tickets to a music event and my roommate tried to set him up with a friend of hers from Belmont to go with him.  She agreed to go, but not before I realized that I didn’t want him to meet anyone “special.”  Conveniently, something came up and she was unable to go after all, and Nate ended up asking me to go.  I suppose it was our first date.  In the months following, we hung out more and he eventually held my hand and kissed me.  I actually felt my heart skip a few beats and I had trouble breathing: those things you read about or see in a movie, but they actually happened to me. 

How did he go from being just some nice guy to being someone who could stop my heart with his touch? 

A few months later, on Easter in 2007, I met all of his family and knew that one day, they would be my family.  He was slower deciding about me, but eventually he realized we were made for each other.  Ha 🙂  We dated over the course of a year and 8 months before he proposed on stage at the Williamson County Fair where I was getting recognition on winning Best of Show for one of my paintings.  We got married 10 weeks later in Franklin, TN on the most beautiful day of my life.

2)    On your wedding day if someone had asked why you were getting married, what would you have said?

Someone did ask me this question before the wedding, and I responded, “I can’t wait to ‘do life’ with Nate. He’s my best friend and my world would not be as full without him in it.”

3)    If someone asked you today why you have stayed married, what would you say?

Splitting up has never been an option for us.  From the beginning, we made the commitment to stay together through any trials and hardships that come up. Knowing that there was no easy way out, we have communicated with each other differently than some with an “escape route” might.  We bring things up that need to be worked through before they fester and cause issues – usually within the hour, but definitely within the day.  Nate is particularly good at seeking out resolution to a potential problem and addressing it.  He senses when I’m not myself and makes sure if there is anything he can do to make it better. In the rare event that it’s something involving him, we have a mature, two-sided discussion and move on. He makes me feel safe.

4)    Do you have children? If so, how has having children affected your marriage?

We have two children, ages 3 and 15 months.  There are definite changes that happened in our marriage after having children, but they are mostly good.  For instance, seeing Nate with his kids loving on them and delighting in them only deepens my own affection toward him.  I see things in my kids that are so like their daddy and since I’m quite fond of him, this makes me happy :).  He’s an amazing, engaged father and our children are blessed.

We agree on the major parenting issues, so we haven’t experienced the strife that people assured us would come when we became parents and differing on things.  I’m sure things will come up, but we’ll handle them.  I think one of the biggest things that have changed is that we have to be super intentional (and fail often) at making quality time for each other.  We’re tired at the end of the day, and we sometimes have work or personal projects that “need” attention after the kids go to bed, and it’s easy to just go into survival mode and neglect tending to the most important human relationship in our home: each other. 

5)    What has been one of your greatest trials in your marriage and how did you all overcome it?

I’m going to say this and it may not seem believable to some, but I can’t think of a greatest trial in our marriage.  It’s been nearly idyllic, and some struggles that we’ve had have not been between each other, but things we’ve weathered together like our son needing a major skull surgery when we wasn’t even 4 months old. Or Nate quitting one job that he’d had for 7 years to take a new direction in business and the financial uncertainty that came during the interim.  These things were incredibly hard, but brought us closer together and closer to God because we literally were out of control and had to lean on each other and on the Lord to get us through. I felt like Nate was such a calming force during the months leading up to our son’s surgery.  I’m so grateful for that.

6)    What has been the most challenging aspect of being a wife?

Definitely learning to be selfless.  Half of the time now with two kids, it’s a miracle if I get a bit to eat for lunch.  I’ll be starting to fix something and then think of him upstairs, probably starving in his office and I’m thinking, “He won’t eat unless I fix something for him.”  (It’s true.)  And he probably doesn’t want three strawberries and a string cheese to get him through, so I buck up and make a real lunch when of course it’s more time consuming, but the look on his relieved face when I present him with a proper meal when he’s been working so hard for our family is worth it.

Things like this are common:  We get into bed, all snuggly and warm, and I’m super comfortable and he has a splitting headache.  He definitely needs Tylenol and an ice pack and he shouldn’t have to get up so I get it for him.  These are the times when it’d be so much easier to be selfish, but marriage is dying to yourself. Parenting is dying to yourself ad nauseum.  God’s using both of these to chip away at my innate desire to make my life comfortable and easy for ME.  I’m a work in progress, but I know that there is likely no better training ground for selflessness than living in a home with three other people. 😉

7)    How has being a wife changed you?

Wow.  This is a really good question.  Looking back on who I was before tying the knot and now, I’m a remarkably different person.  It may not be easy to sift through what happened through marriage/kids and through just the passage of time and maturing, but I’ll try.

I see my weaknesses and strengths now through a magnifying glass. There’s just no way to hide either of them when someone knows you so intimately and deeply.  With that knowing comes the desire to change the things that aren’t so pretty: selfishness, a judgemental spirit, a tendency to complain when things aren’t going well, or a short fuse when I’m frustrated.  Marriage has softened me and made me more aware of my heart condition: one that’s in constant need of repair.

Marriage has made me intensely grateful for a loving and strong husband.  I never even knew to ask God for certain characteristics in a spouse, but God went above and beyond giving them to me in Nate, and there’s no way I could miss that.  I don’t even understand how I snagged such a gem. 😉

Submission:  It never sounded like much to get excited about before marriage.  I have a strong will and have a tendency to feel like I’m right about a lot of things.  I won’t say that submission terrified me, but I definitely would never have guessed how freeing it is.  I love knowing that it’s really not about what I decide or want anymore: the guesswork is taken out of major decisions because I have a leader husband who listens to and consideres the merit of my take on things but ultimately makes the decisions. It’s fantastic, and I’m so glad God thought up the whole submission concept.  It’s almost like He knew how things work best. 😉

8)    What does date night look like for you?

These days when we want to go out at night, we have to have a sitter: usually my mom or sister.  We go to dinner or shopping (Home Depot counts as an exciting outing in our house! LOL) or we hang out by our favorite willow tree in Franklin.  One of our favorite dates this year was when we went to Chick-Fil-A and just dreamed about what we wanted out of this past year.  We made goals and shared our “what ifs.”  It was wonderful.  We also really enjoy Arrington Vineyards, but we usually end up there with the kids.  When we can’t get a sitter, we rent a movie on Apple TV or just put the kids to bed and eat a quiet dinner alone on the deck.  We do not do date night often enough, but we’ll hit that point where we realize it’s crucial (usually 2-3 weeks since we’ve had one) and just make it a priority.  This is an area we need to work on.

9)    What are the top three things/people that pull you away from or compete with your marriage? How do you deal with them?

Our kids.  Work.  And dare I say: Social Media?  Two of those are obvious and there’s not a lot we can do about them.  The third one I’ve just realized is trying to compete for our time – mostly when we get into the bedroom for the evening after a long day.  Hopping on Facebook is decompression and we’ll be lying there next to each other for 20 minutes, each scrolling through to see what’s happened in our friends’ lives, oblivious to the fine details of each other’s lives.  Some days we’re each doing our own thing  all day (sometimes under the same roof even) but haven’t had a meal together until dinner and I feel disconnected from him.  When we finally settle down, we still aren’t connecting, and it’s the stupid phones.  We used to have a rule: no phones in bed, but I don’t know what happened to it.  Maybe it’s time to resurrect it… Okay, it’s time to resurrect it.

10)    What role has community played in your marriage?

We are both people who like to learn from others’ successes and failures. We have been blessed with older and wiser people in our lives and we make it a point to spend time with them to glean what we can from them.  We also have a number of wonderful couple friends who lift us up and make us want to be better parents or spouses or entrepreneurs.  They energize us and help us see other ways of doing things.  We had a strong community group at our former church who prayed and invested in our lives.  We know the value of community and try to use it to its fullest potential.  I know that our marriage is stronger for it.

11)     What’s one thing you wish someone had told you before marriage?

Hmmm… I can’t think of anything right off on this one.  We asked a TON of questions from been there, done that couples, and feel like we got some really solid advice before taking the leap.

12)    If you have one final thought or piece of advice to share with current or future wives, what would it be?

Laugh a lot. 

With each other and sometimes at each other. 😉  My husband is so much better at lightening up a tense situation than me, but I’m getting there.  I can be so serious sometimes!  It’s really hard to be upset about your rough day when your husband stands on a desk to sing and dance to “I’m Too Sexy” until you almost pee yourself.  (This happened.)

Pledge Against Pregnancy Permission: You do not have the right to comment on my size

January 19, 2014 By: Shana4 Comments

I’m not even 8 weeks pregnant and it’s already begun. My dear friends, Tom and Jodi, warned me about this phenomenon that I would like to call Pregnancy Permission.

“Pregnancy is the one time in life that everyone feels they have the right to comment on a woman’s body.”

I’ve seen it in action before so I knew they were right, but no one had ever said it to me in quite that way before. It become clear to me just how wrong this perceived pregnancy permission is. We’d never go around commenting on a stranger’s muffin top or tell our girlfriend over lunch she looks like she put on a few pounds since we saw her last week. Yet we find out a friend is pregnant and we say things like “I thought I saw a baby bump,” or “you’re already starting to show.” I’ve heard stories that are becoming all too familiar among my friends. “Oh my, you look like you’re about to pop,” when she’s only 7 months along. “My that baby sure is growing fast.” “Are you sure you’re not having twins?” I’m sure you have your own quotes you could add. And there’s even the opposite end of the spectrum. “You’re 15 weeks? You don’t even look pregnant…” when all my friend wanted was a little baby bump.

As a newly pregnant woman that is already freaking out about the changes happening to my body and haunted by the comments from friends, let me offer you some novice advice. The next time you talk to a pregnant woman, especially me, don’t comment on her body. In fact, can we all just make it known to the world right now that pregnancy does not grant anyone the right to comment on a woman’s body — EVER! I think my friend Jodi put it best when she said, “the only thing I will say to you is you look beautiful.” She is so wise, and after 3 kids of her own, experienced with this pregnancy permission stuff. There’s probably nothing a pregnant woman wants to hear more than “you’re beautiful.” We’re tired, sick, run down, stretched (quite literally), sometimes depressed, and for many, bigger than we’ve ever been. We want you to see us, not our belly. Is that too much to ask?

Of course, we should all have one or two friends that are close enough to us to honestly tell us that it’s clear we need some sleep, or it’s time we wash those sweatpants we’ve been in for a week, but if you’re that person to someone, you know it. Chances are you’re not, so when in doubt, pregnancy permission does not apply. 

The Pledge

So as someone who has been guilty of thinking I had pregnancy permission in the past, I now pledge to hold my tongue and choose words like beautiful that look past the physical and into the heart of the woman and the miracle happening inside her. Would you join me in my fight against this perceived pregnancy permission? Join me in resisting that fake smile the next time someone tells you how big you’re getting? Join me in silencing your opinions about a mom-to-be’s physical appearance and instead make her day by speaking words of beauty and encouragement to her? If so, leave a comment saying “I’m in” and encourage your friends to do the same.

Together, we can put an end to pregnancy permission once and for all! 😉 

Originally written October 18, 2013.
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Meet the Wife

Hi! I'm a semi-newlywed living in a small town outside of Nashville with my husband, Casey, our baby boy, teen niece, and hyperactive dog, Minny. I'm a new mom and marketing consultant at BeEngaging.com that loves Jesus and won't eat anything with 4 legs. I talk about marriage, pregnancy, parenting and everything in between. I believe real growth only happens through transparency. Join me on the journey. Read More…

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