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A Disappointing Surprise for My Husband

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The moment had arrived. It happens once every two or three years, but when it hits me, something must be done fast.

You see, I’m pretty cheap when it comes to caring for myself. I make my own shampoo, conditioner, lotion, face wash, etc. partly because I like being as natural as possible, but the main driver is saving money. That’s the same reason I never get my haircut. (There might be some laziness in there too.) I see my sister-in-law twice a year and each time she gives me a little trim. It doesn’t help that my hair grows super fast, especially with these prenatal vitamins I’ve been taking for the last year. Although I love my long hair and saving money by avoiding cuts, there always comes a time once every two or three years that I can no longer stand the length and frantically start trying to schedule a chop.

I’m not sure if it was from Silas constantly clamping on to my hair, his spit up in it, or just the additional time it takes to wash and dry when time is more precious than ever, but two weeks ago I knew the time was now. I reached out to my friend, Annie, who had expressed interest in chopping her hair recently. She was in! After a few recommendations, we had back-to-back appointments scheduled with an affordable stylist in town. Sneakily, we both decided to keep our plans to ourselves, not even telling our husbands.

So last Tuesday we packed everything but the kitchen sink, and headed to the salon, babies in tow. I would watch Silas and her 9 month old while she got her haircut, and then she would watch the babes. If cutting 9 inches of hair wasn’t enough of an adventure, watching those two kids in a salon lobby was. Details aside, we both went through with the cut and were pretty pleased with the overall experience, although next time we will opt for babysitters for sure.

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Knowing I had kept my plans a secret from Casey, I was anticipating the big reveal. I knew he was getting sick of my long hair being in the way and was going to love my new ‘do. Let me tell you, being a new mom doesn’t leave you with many opportunities to feel pretty, but this styled cut had me feeling that way. Now all I needed was a plan to surprise Casey, and capture his excitement.

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I knew he would be coming home soon so I positioned my phone just right to be able to capture the moment when he walked through the door. I touched up my look in the bathroom, hit record, and rushed into position as I heard the garage door open.

Casey walked through the door and expressed his shock. “You got a haircut!”

I began walking toward him, expressing a warm embrace with a “You look amazing. I love it!”

This is what I got instead…

He turned toward the fridge, away from me, and questioned “From who? Did you cut it?!”

What? Did I cut it? Are you kidding? I couldn’t help, but wear the disappointment and hurt right on my sleeve. It had been almost 3 years since I had my haircut. It was 9 inches shorter. I actually PAID to get this ‘do. I look good! Or at least I thought I did. I just knew he was going to think I did. And maybe he did, but his lack of enthusiasm or maybe his confusion, left me feeling ugly and unloved.

Stupid. I know, but that’s what expectations can do to us. Clearly hurt, I told Casey what I had expected and how I was feeling. He did his best to sincerely apologize, but the moment was gone. There’s no recovering from that. He can’t erase it, go back in time, and rush in the door with a warm embrace and compliment. The moment was now covered with the image of him walking away while pondering if I had actually cut my own hair.

So although I accept his apology, and totally understand how he just had his mind on something completely different when I caught him off guard, I’m still disappointed that the much anticipated moment was such a #fail.

Have you ever had a disappointing moment like this in your life?

A Pattern of Disconnection

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I’m starting to see a pattern. A pattern I don’t like. A pattern I can’t figure out how to stop.

Ashlynne was gone on Friday which meant Casey and I had time to ourselves. It seems like that would be a good thing, but the pattern that we can’t seem to break is fighting once she leaves. It’s like her being gone and us being alone gives us a new freedom to address issues whenever we want and brings us to a realization that things aren’t quite right.

If you’ll remember, the last time she was gone was the time I ran away to the park. The time before that was the breakdown over a cancelled date to see the Steeldrivers. And so on and so forth. Every time we have one of these fights, I feel like we come out on the other side more emotionally connected and with a better understanding of each other. I even feel like we have a game plan of preventing similar blowups in the future, but I suppose I’ve been proven wrong.

So Friday night started off rough before Ashlynne even left. In fact, things got rocky as soon as Casey got home from work. We ended up in a small disagreement that we were able to hash out before Ashlynne returned from softball practice. I was excited as I felt like we had recognized our disconnection and taken immediate steps to repair. Not the best repair we’ve ever had, but in my mind, we were reconciled. I guess I was deceived.

It wasn’t an immediate blowup, but man did things hit the fan hard later that night. Everything was going quite well after our discussion. We were on a mission to come up with a game plan for getting the house packed over Spring Break so we sat down in front of my computer and made a list of ideas based off various articles I had found on Pinterest. Then we made a run to the liquor store for boxes and then Office Max and Big Lots for packing supplies. Not the most romantic evening, but it was nice time together. It wasn’t until we got in bed that things got bad. Sadly, our topic of disagreement was the same one as earlier. You know, the one I thought we had resolved.

It’s a topic that has plagued our marriage almost from day 1: physical intimacy. We’ve had so many fights come from that topic that the thought of it can make me cringe. So the topic came up as were lying in bed. As we started to try and repair it was clear that this wasn’t going to be like any other fight. Casey was beyond angry and frustrated, and I was beyond hurt. It wasn’t a good combination and led to one of the most explosive arguments we’ve ever had. But you know what else it led to? A flood of honesty and transparency.

Words were spoken that should have left our lips years ago. Our hearts were poured out in front of each other and for the first time, we were able to talk about physical intimacy in a new light, the same light. As we ended the night we hadn’t solved all of our issues or even this disagreement, but we had been able to draw closer together and reconnect.

Although I am thankful for the progress we made through this fight, I can’t say that I’m not fearful that it leads nowhere. We seem to be stuck in this cycle of disconnection, disagreement, and reconnection with hopes of staying connected more consistently, but ultimately, we keep finding ourselves back at disconnection. It’s like we see the immediate results of a deeper connection, but it quickly fades as we flow back into our normal routine, back in to what’s comfortable for us, which often means our marriage isn’t a priority. Then it all blows up when Ashlynne goes away for the weekend, and the distractions are gone.

Maybe next time will be different. Ashlynne will be gone for a full 10 days so that should give us enough time to establish some new routines and build on this emotional connection. That’s my prayer. In the meantime, we’ll be packing for our move to the new home. Did I mention we’re under contract? Let the chaos begin.

 

Originally written March 17, 2014

Rediscovering Pure, Simple Love

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It feels like spring. It’s early Sunday morning, and I’m wide awake thanks to this feisty baby in my belly and crazy vivid dreams. The windows are open. The air is warm, but there’s a cool crispness and thickness to it that tells of the rain and freezing temperatures that are on their way. I’m sad this warmth will be gone soon as I anxiously await the more consistent warmth of spring, but I’m thankful for these few days of relief from the chill. Rumor has it there are more to come this weekend. Every warm day is a reminder that Baby B will be here soon. Although my due date is still 3 months away, I know those weeks are going to fly by and before I know it, our beautiful bundle will be wrapped in my arms. Speaking of kids, Ashlynne has been gone the last two weekends. Last weekend she was at church camp where she got to experience true fellowship with other young believers. This weekend is her time with her mom. We’ve missed having her here, but Casey and I really needed these last two weekends to ourselves.

It’s no secret that we’ve been pretty disconnected and really struggling to find a way to continue to make our marriage a priority while focusing on becoming parents to Ashlynne. We’ve done a pretty decent job (praise God!) with the latter, but the former has suffered greatly. All of our disconnection and frustrations came to a head again last weekend. Finally some time together to talk, which meant stepping into the puddle. Both angry and hurting, it didn’t go well. In fact, it went so bad that I didn’t know what else to do, but run away. I disappeared to the local park and journaled for 3 hours straight while soaking up the sun. I was thankful to be alone and thankful for the sun. Not just because I needed its warmth, but because it gave me an excuse to wear sunglasses which was a much-needed shield for my tears.

I poured my heart onto the page and sorted through months, maybe even years, of heartache, anger, and disappointment. It was brutal and left me with only one thing – prayer.

There was nothing else to do, but pray.

Eventually hunger called me home, or maybe it was the middle school boy’s birthday party that was slowly taking over the picnic tables surrounding me. Either way, I arrived home to find Casey on the porch with his friend, Ryan. I hid inside until Ryan left and Casey and I were alone again. He’d been complaining a lot lately about not hearing my heart so I made the decision to let him read what I had journaled. Maybe not the best idea I’ve ever had, but it seemed good at the time. He immediately disappeared to read through my multiple pages of pain as I prayed he would see my hurt and not his own inadequacies. What’s that thing about God not answering our prayers how and when we want? This was one of those times.

His heart was hardened to my pain and focused on what he did “wrong.” So naturally, he wrote me a letter about all the things I’ve done wrong and all I heard was “you’re a terrible wife.” Ouch! Yeah, no healing there folks. After reading his letter we talked a lot about the word LOVE and what it means. Casey defaulted to…

“What do you want me to do? What does love look like to you? Let me know and I’ll fix my checklist because I thought I was doing a good job.”

The problem is that love does not equal service or a list of to do items. It doesn’t fix pain. It joins it and sits right in the pit with it.

Even more, you can’t fake the heart behind it. As long as doing the dishes is a chore or a box on the checklist that’s the perceived gateway to physical intimacy, it can’t be called love. The most frustrating part of all this is that I think all of our counseling has made love a complicated word for us. But it was so easy, so natural when we were dating. No one had to give us a checklist or game plan because our loving actions came from an overflowing of our hearts.

It was our desire, not our duty, to love one another well.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am very thankful for all of our counseling. It has been and continues to be invaluable to us when it comes to emotional healing, communication, and conflict resolution, but a side effect is that it made love, pure and simple love, complicated.

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Although that Saturday was difficult, we stepped way down deep into the mud and eventually found each other there. And amazingly, we stopped trying to dig our own way out or bury the other person deeper; we simply joined hands and sat there together. Messed up. Muddy. Stained. Helpless. Crying out to our Loving, Almighty God to restore our love for each other and help us make our marriage a priority again.

Ultimately, we came up with a game plan for recognizing disconnection and gave ourselves permission to stop everything to reconnect, and we started first thing Sunday morning by (Gasp!) skipping church to give us a little extra time together before Ashlynne returned. (Yeah, I know. We’re big time sinners.)

That was not how I wanted to spend our weekend alone, but we have reaped the fruit of reconciliation throughout this week through intentional connection, prayer and small moments that are full of love. This weekend was our first alone time in a while that wasn’t consumed by disconnection and repair. This weekend we saw how God had pulled us out of that mud pit, and we basked in the sun’s rays. Nothing fancy. Nothing even planned. Just pure, simple love.

You know the greatest part about all of this? The most amazing part?

It’s not that our marriage has yet again been renewed, it’s that a Mighty King that conquered the grave loves us enough to care when we’re stuck in the mud pit. And instead of standing high and mighty over us, condemning us for not being vigilant enough to avoid the hazard, He humbles himself, pulls up his stark white pants and steps into the mud with us, leading us out and then washing us clean on the other side. He could have just left us there. He could have given up on us.

“They’re in that mud pit again? Good gracious! When will they learn?”

But He loves us more! No, we don’t deserve his recue and there’s nothing we could do to earn it. Yet he simply waits eagerly by for our cry for help and then joins us in our mess. Now that’s a Savior! Yes, that is pure, simple love.

 

Originally written on March 2, 2014.

The Wednesday Wife: Jennifer Cooper

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You are about to read the first Wednesday Wife that was submitted via my online request. When I put the request out there for wives to share their stories, Jennifer had been impacted by the stories of other Wednesday Wives and was already thinking and praying about what her responses would be.

I met Jennifer on a Christian retreat the summer between my freshman and sophomore year of college.  Side Note: That retreat (Journey Weekend) was a huge turning point for me in my walk with the Lord! Jennifer’s story is one that will likely sound familiar. From struggling over finances and in-laws to trials with their sex life and being parents, I don’t know any wife that can’t relate to a part of Jennifer’s story. That’s why I’m so thankful for her honesty and for her husband allowing her to be so open with us all.

Please remember that when we share like this we are leaving ourselves vulnerable. This is our chance to love on Jennifer. Please make sure to leave a comment thanking her for sharing or letting her know how her story has encouraged or comforted you.

Jennifer Cooper married her husband, Jerry, on June 28, 2008. 

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“When you wake up each day, make the choice to love your husband.”

1)  Tell us your courtship story. How did you meet and end up married?

We met at church. He was actually dating someone else at that time. Eventually they broke up and Jerry told me that he listened to what I was saying about my life and my plans for my life and decided that I “had it together.” I remember telling him later in our relationship that a few weeks earlier, I had been feeling like there was nobody on Earth for me to be with/marry…that I was never going to meet someone and fall in love, and that I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. I had prayed one night for God to send me the person I was supposed to be with for the rest of my life…and if he never came, then I would accept that. So Jerry, just out of the blue, comes up to me and asks if I want to come sit with him during Brush Arbor. He asked for my number, actually called when he said he would, and from then on, we have been together. Our first date was to TCBY in Johnson City with a few other people from church.

Jerry would surprise me by leaving me a rose in my car while I was at work (BB&B) or by leaving me little love notes. I would surprise him with video games or balloons by the lake just chilling out, talking.

During the 2nd year of our relationship, I think we both knew that we were going to get married. It took Jerry longer than me, of course, to realize the inevitable. The day before our 3 year anniversary, we said “I do” and vowed to love each other in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, until death do us part!

2)  On your wedding day, if someone asked you why you were getting married, what would you have said?

I would have said that I was marrying Jerry because I love him, and that he is my best friend (not that kind of friend you call up and shoot the breeze with, but the kind that you wanted to do EVERYTHING with and see EVERY DAY), and honestly…that it was the next logical step in the relationship.

3)   If someone asked you today why you have stayed married, what would you say?

I would say it is partly because I love Jerry and that I promised to love him in front of God and everyone we know. Believe me, I like my alone time, but I like sharing my life with him too.

4)  Do you have children? If so, how has having children affected your marriage?

We had a beautiful baby girl, Callie Reese, 8 months ago. It was one of the best days of my life! Jerry and I had a piece of both of us…and she’s perfect! People are correct in saying “a baby changes everything”….because it does!!! Used to, we could just be spontaneous and go out whenever we wanted and didn’t have to worry about babysitters. We could sleep as late as we wanted. We had time for each other…but now, we have a little person depending on us for EVERYTHING! Being a parent is a 24/7 job. Sure, you can get a babysitter for a date night or an over-nighter somewhere, but making time for each other is harder now…a lot harder.

I feel like being a mother is very different from being a father. It’s natural for a woman to be the primary caregiver and protector of a child, but eventually, the mother is exhausted and is running on nothing but caffeine and a few hours of sleep. Things start going undone like dishes, laundry, bathrooms, etc. and the fuse just gets shorter and shorter until everything blows up and mom and dad are arguing more and more. All of our attention is on Callie, and she needs that, but I think that if we take a step back, we need to realize that being married is us being a team…now we just have a third player.

5)   What has been one of your greatest trials in your marriage and how did you all overcome it?

See question #6 🙂

6)   What has been the most challenging aspect of being a wife?

I tried early on in our marriage to be “that” wife…the one who cooks and cleans and is always in the mood, and always happy. I failed at that…miserably! We have had a major issue with the lack of sex in our relationship. Yes, it was wrong, but before we got married we didn’t think twice about it! Soon after we got married (like on the honeymoon) I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to keep up his sex schedule, cook, clean, and be happy all the time! I was becoming stressed with the tasks of having to keep up with my needs…and his! Going from having one person to take care of (yourself) to having to take care of two people (yourself and your husband) was a huge change for me! I always worry about what needs to be done in the house, what bills I have paid or not paid, what I am going to make for dinner. We also wanted sex for different reasons…for Jerry is what physical intimacy but for me it was to have a baby. He didn’t want a baby until we started having more sex and I wasn’t getting pregnant because of the lack of sex…a never-ending cycle. We are still working on this to this day and we’ve been married for 5 years!

So, the most challenging aspect of being a wife is trying, and failing at being “that wife”.

7)  How has being a wife changed you?

I’m not as laid back as I used to be.

8)  What does date night look like for you?

Normally, it would be dinner and a movie in town. Now…it’s homemade pizza and a Redbox movie…but that is fine with me! I can have just as much fun lounging at home as I can going out in town. I just like being able to spend time together without having to turn my attention to something domestic. Since Callie has been born, she has been with us for our “dates.” But we went to Gatlinburg one night and went out to a very nice restaurant.

9)  What are the top three things/people that pull you away from or compete with your marriage? How do you deal with them?

1. In-laws: Most of the time, our parents are supportive and always there for us, but sometimes, they can get on our nerves! I get aggravated at the constant calling “for no good reason” (his mom) and he gets aggravated at the “throwing things away” spells (my mom). And of course, I am going to think that my mom is better and he is going to think that his mom is better. We just ignore it most of the time, but if there is an issue with his mom, he deals with it and vice versa.

2. Housework: This is a work in progress (currently our issue). I feel like I am the one doing all of the housework. I think he feels like he is helping as much as I am, but I think my idea of him helping and his idea of him helping are two totally different things!!!! I know we aren’t supposed to keep score, but I feel like I do 95% of the housework and he does 5%. I’m trying not to nag him so much and be thankful for when he does help out…even if it’s not what my idea of “helping out” is.

3. Finances: Neither of us are “savers”. We like to buy things!!! Since Callie has been born, our focus is buying or building a house and growing our savings account. We get two steps forward, then he comes through the door with a new 55” TV that we “just had to have”. This is honestly the root of most of our arguments, but now if we want to buy something, little or big, we ask ourselves “Do we want this now or do we want a house”?

10)  What role has community played in your marriage?

Most people we come in contact with play a positive role in our marriage. We were told by our previous preacher that “we would never make it”…which is why a different preacher married us (that’s a whole other story). Our parents are always supportive and are there for us when we need to vent or cry or just get away. Others, however, have been negative…going through nasty divorces and always having something negative to say about marriage in general. I think that eventually, some of that negativity rubs off on us and feeds how we react to certain situations. We just have to remember why we got married in the first place! Jerry and I are not even making divorce an option! We can work through anything…it may not be pretty, but in the end we will be happy…with each other!

11)  What’s the one thing you wish someone had told you before marriage?

I wish people had been more positive about the whole aspect of marriage. We were both told “don’t do it” by people we worked with. Not because we weren’t good for each other, but because they had been through marriage after marriage and nothing worked out for them, so they just assumed that it was going to be the same for us. I wish someone would have told us more than once that marriage is a hard, but rewarding journey! Yeah, there are going to be arguments and days that you ask yourself “what did I get myself in to”, but the bigger picture is that you are with this person until death…this is your LIFE PARTNER, the person who is going to see you at your lowest moment and still be there for you no matter what happened or what was said. I truly believe that Jerry is my answer to that prayer I prayed 8 years ago!

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