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Returning to Counseling

June 8, 2014 By: Shana1 Comment

Casey and I are back in counseling. If you’ve been reading my posts lately, I’m sure you’re not surprise. We’ve been struggling to find a good balance since Ashlynne moved in and it has weighed heavy on our marriage. As our counselor explained it, we missed out on the years where heaving a child brings you closer together and strengthens your love, building a strong foundation for the teenage years that often pull couples apart because they divide and conquer homework, shuttle service, and the other demands of active teens.

I suppose it just adds to our time apart that we are moving and about to have a baby. I get it, life can get chaotic, but at least there is an end to this chaos. In just 4 weeks, we will be settled in our new home and either ready for baby to arrive or settled in with baby. Ashlynne will be out of school and Casey all be off work for the summer. We are going to go from 60 to zero in just a matter of weeks. Okay, so maybe not quite zero, but it is sure going to feel that way in comparison.

Some would say Casey and I should just manage as best we can during chaos and then reconnect when it ends. Counseling is just something else on the schedule, right? I have to admit, I thought the same thing when Casey first suggested we return, but the truth is that life is inevitably chaotic. It’s the cliché roller coaster of ups and downs, flips, turns and loopty loops. This will not be our last moment of chaos in this life. We must learn to stay connected in chaos and not let it overtake us. I don’t know about you, but I want a great, connected marriage all the time, not just when life is easy. Plus, counseling is kind of like a date night – scheduled time for the two of us to connect on a weekly basis.

So in our first session back we talked about priorities. There’s our ideal and then what our priorities actually look like based on how we spend our time. It came as no surprise to us that we are living in an upside down triangle. But how do we right things, especially when it feels like everything at the base of our triangle (low priority) is a “must-do” as deadlines with baby, work, and the house weigh us down?

I suppose the key is starting small. Our goal for now is to try and have a consistent 10-15 minutes of devotional time as a family when we tuck Ashlynne in at night. This will ideally help us grow spiritually while fostering relationship with Ashlynne and intimacy with each other, all top priorities. 3 birds. One stone. I’m excited to see how this little step helps us slowly start focusing on what’s at the top of our triangle, even when everything at the bottom is demanding our time.

How do you make time for top priority items and not let the tasks of daily life weigh you down?

Rediscovering Pure, Simple Love

April 24, 2014 By: Shanacomment

It feels like spring. It’s early Sunday morning, and I’m wide awake thanks to this feisty baby in my belly and crazy vivid dreams. The windows are open. The air is warm, but there’s a cool crispness and thickness to it that tells of the rain and freezing temperatures that are on their way. I’m sad this warmth will be gone soon as I anxiously await the more consistent warmth of spring, but I’m thankful for these few days of relief from the chill. Rumor has it there are more to come this weekend. Every warm day is a reminder that Baby B will be here soon. Although my due date is still 3 months away, I know those weeks are going to fly by and before I know it, our beautiful bundle will be wrapped in my arms. Speaking of kids, Ashlynne has been gone the last two weekends. Last weekend she was at church camp where she got to experience true fellowship with other young believers. This weekend is her time with her mom. We’ve missed having her here, but Casey and I really needed these last two weekends to ourselves.

It’s no secret that we’ve been pretty disconnected and really struggling to find a way to continue to make our marriage a priority while focusing on becoming parents to Ashlynne. We’ve done a pretty decent job (praise God!) with the latter, but the former has suffered greatly. All of our disconnection and frustrations came to a head again last weekend. Finally some time together to talk, which meant stepping into the puddle. Both angry and hurting, it didn’t go well. In fact, it went so bad that I didn’t know what else to do, but run away. I disappeared to the local park and journaled for 3 hours straight while soaking up the sun. I was thankful to be alone and thankful for the sun. Not just because I needed its warmth, but because it gave me an excuse to wear sunglasses which was a much-needed shield for my tears.

I poured my heart onto the page and sorted through months, maybe even years, of heartache, anger, and disappointment. It was brutal and left me with only one thing – prayer.

There was nothing else to do, but pray.

Eventually hunger called me home, or maybe it was the middle school boy’s birthday party that was slowly taking over the picnic tables surrounding me. Either way, I arrived home to find Casey on the porch with his friend, Ryan. I hid inside until Ryan left and Casey and I were alone again. He’d been complaining a lot lately about not hearing my heart so I made the decision to let him read what I had journaled. Maybe not the best idea I’ve ever had, but it seemed good at the time. He immediately disappeared to read through my multiple pages of pain as I prayed he would see my hurt and not his own inadequacies. What’s that thing about God not answering our prayers how and when we want? This was one of those times.

His heart was hardened to my pain and focused on what he did “wrong.” So naturally, he wrote me a letter about all the things I’ve done wrong and all I heard was “you’re a terrible wife.” Ouch! Yeah, no healing there folks. After reading his letter we talked a lot about the word LOVE and what it means. Casey defaulted to…

“What do you want me to do? What does love look like to you? Let me know and I’ll fix my checklist because I thought I was doing a good job.”

The problem is that love does not equal service or a list of to do items. It doesn’t fix pain. It joins it and sits right in the pit with it.

Even more, you can’t fake the heart behind it. As long as doing the dishes is a chore or a box on the checklist that’s the perceived gateway to physical intimacy, it can’t be called love. The most frustrating part of all this is that I think all of our counseling has made love a complicated word for us. But it was so easy, so natural when we were dating. No one had to give us a checklist or game plan because our loving actions came from an overflowing of our hearts.

It was our desire, not our duty, to love one another well.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am very thankful for all of our counseling. It has been and continues to be invaluable to us when it comes to emotional healing, communication, and conflict resolution, but a side effect is that it made love, pure and simple love, complicated.

rediscovering-pure-simple-love

Although that Saturday was difficult, we stepped way down deep into the mud and eventually found each other there. And amazingly, we stopped trying to dig our own way out or bury the other person deeper; we simply joined hands and sat there together. Messed up. Muddy. Stained. Helpless. Crying out to our Loving, Almighty God to restore our love for each other and help us make our marriage a priority again.

Ultimately, we came up with a game plan for recognizing disconnection and gave ourselves permission to stop everything to reconnect, and we started first thing Sunday morning by (Gasp!) skipping church to give us a little extra time together before Ashlynne returned. (Yeah, I know. We’re big time sinners.)

That was not how I wanted to spend our weekend alone, but we have reaped the fruit of reconciliation throughout this week through intentional connection, prayer and small moments that are full of love. This weekend was our first alone time in a while that wasn’t consumed by disconnection and repair. This weekend we saw how God had pulled us out of that mud pit, and we basked in the sun’s rays. Nothing fancy. Nothing even planned. Just pure, simple love.

You know the greatest part about all of this? The most amazing part?

It’s not that our marriage has yet again been renewed, it’s that a Mighty King that conquered the grave loves us enough to care when we’re stuck in the mud pit. And instead of standing high and mighty over us, condemning us for not being vigilant enough to avoid the hazard, He humbles himself, pulls up his stark white pants and steps into the mud with us, leading us out and then washing us clean on the other side. He could have just left us there. He could have given up on us.

“They’re in that mud pit again? Good gracious! When will they learn?”

But He loves us more! No, we don’t deserve his recue and there’s nothing we could do to earn it. Yet he simply waits eagerly by for our cry for help and then joins us in our mess. Now that’s a Savior! Yes, that is pure, simple love.

 

Originally written on March 2, 2014.

The Wednesday Wife: Heidi Barnes

April 16, 2014 By: Shana2 Comments

There are some people in life that cross your path only briefly, but you feel eternally connected to them. This week’s Wednesday Wife is one of those people to me. I met Heidi when I was on mission in Europe. She was our fantastic host in England, and it’s her fault that I now crave clotted cream on a regular basis with nothing in the States to satisfy me.

I was so excited when Heidi answered my recent cry for Wednesday Wife submissions. Her story is a hard one to read, but I’m sure an even harder one to tell. I’m thankful for her honesty about her depression, her thoughts about leaving, and how it all started with a delivery gone wrong. Her story is a must-read for all of us!

Please remember that when we share like this we are leaving ourselves vulnerable. This is our chance to love on Heidi. Please make sure to leave a comment thanking her for sharing or letting her know how her story has encouraged or comforted you.

Heidi Barnes married her husband, Brad, on May 7, 2006.

wednesday-wife-heidi-barnes

1) Tell us your courtship story. How did you meet and end up married?

Brad and I met online. Yes, one of those “romances”! My friend talked me into signing up for ChristianCafe.com, and, after chatting with a few different guys, I started talking with Brad. He decided to contact me because he saw that I did humanitarian work in the former Soviet Union and he had just returned from that part of the world as part of a trip he took literally around the world. After we had sent a few messages back and forth, we talked on the phone one night and found we had even more in common. He asked me on a date and we went to an Arizona Diamondbacks baseball game. Neither one of us really liked baseball, but I have to say a baseball game really is a good first date. The game is slow enough to sit and talk, but if the conversation lags, there is a game to watch. He took me home that evening and met my brother who I was living with at the time. They hit it off because Brad was Air Force and my brother had recently left the Marines. Brad says he was walking on Cloud 9 as he walked to his car that night, but I was hesitant. See, just a year before I had been engaged to a longtime friend who ended up cheating on me with one of my girl friends. But I kept talking to and seeing Brad.

One weekend I was leading worship and music at a women’s retreat in the small town Brad lived in. He came and helped me set up and get the sound issues all worked out. He even came back one evening to hear my mini-concert – him and 73 women in one room! After that weekend, I knew he was the man God had in mind for me all along.

Our first date was September 23, 2005, we were engaged December 9, 2005, and married May 7, 2006.

2) On your wedding day if someone had asked why you were getting married, what would you have said?

I was 31 when we got married and before I met Brad, I dated all different kinds of guys, and as much as I wanted them to work, the really serious relationships ended horribly. But, like I said earlier, after I saw Brad support me doing something I absolutely loved to do, God flipped a switch in me. I just knew he was the one for me – that simply put.

3) If someone asked you today why you have stayed married, what would you say?

This May we will celebrate 8 years of marriage, and they have been a far-from-boring 8 years. From the Air Force moving us all over the world (South Korea, Ohio, and England, then back to Ohio) to having kids and traveling, we have found adventure every step of the way and we know God brought us together to be life-helpers.

4) Do you have children? If so, how has having children affected your marriage?

We have two children: Jacob (5) and Ashley (4). As any parent will say, kids take a lot out of you, but my health and my delivery of Ashley affected our marriage even more than just being worn out from having small children.

5) What has been one of your greatest trials in your marriage and how did you all overcome it?

We have always said our relationship and marriage have been pretty easy compared to other couples we have met, but we’ve been tested in the area of intimacy, all stemming from the birth of our second child.

I was induced for the births of both of my children. Jacob’s birth was long — they started the induction on a Monday night and he was finally born at 1:30 AM that Thursday – but I bounced back pretty quickly.

We decided to get pregnant pretty quickly after Jacob due to my health and age, and 21 months later I was sitting around waiting for my induction date to arrive. A week before Ashley was to be born, I ended up in the hospital with pneumonia. I was hospitalized for a couple of days to monitor the baby and to make sure my asthma was under control. The next week, my doctor decided to induce me a day earlier than scheduled because my blood pressure meds weren’t working well. Labor went much quicker and we thought it would be an event-free delivery. Not so.

Without giving too much detail, my delivery included: being put on magnesium due to my blood pressure, which made my limbs very heavy; the epidural was not working; and, Ashley was trying to come out “sunny-side-up” and they couldn’t get her turned. I begged for a C-section, but the doctors decided to use forceps. Ashley came out fine, but I was physically and emotionally scarred. I was afraid to hold her due to the heaviness of my arms, and the nurse was pushing me to nurse Ashley, but I wasn’t completely sold on doing it this time around. The next few days were fine though. I went home after two nights in the hospital and started working through the postpartum.

A week later I ended up back at the hospital because I was hemorrhaging and I had a D&C and a blood transfusion. I went back home after a night or two in the hospital and began again going through the healing process.

A few months later, I started having what I called “issues.” I worked with a uro-gynocologist and a proctologist to figure out what was wrong. Just when they decided I would need surgery, we received orders to England. I became depressed. I didn’t want Brad to touch me because I always felt unclean and I began to pull away. I was upset thinking I would have to go through all the exams again at our new base, but God really protected me from that and put me with an excellent doctor who looked at my previous doctors’ input and scheduled me for surgery without having to go through everything I was already put through.

Before and after the surgery, I found I would get very angry when I would hear women talk about their “easy” births. I tried not to share my horror story with those who were pregnant with their first child, and I would get mad when women would tell those same women about how great it is to go through such a wonderful event. (To be honest I hated being pregnant, and I still get a knot in my stomach when I hear people say this.)

One day while the kids were napping and I was in the backyard of our beautiful English home, I hit rock bottom in depression and I wanted so bad to just leave – leave my kids and my husband. I knew in my heart it was an irrational thought, but a great deal of my being couldn’t handle it anymore. I prayed so hard that afternoon, but the feeling wouldn’t escape me. A day or two later, Brad and I were arguing about something as we stood in the kitchen and I just broke down crying and told him what had happened in the backyard. He was very quiet for awhile and then said to me, “Heidi, you have PTSD. I have seen these emotions and actions from those who come back from deployment.” Once he said that, it felt like a burden was lifted. I could put a name to what was eating at me and why, and I felt I could finally move forward. I spoke to my doctor about the depression and she also diagnosed me with PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder).

Ashley turned 4 on March 24 this year, and I am still working through the depression and adjusting meds, but God has brought Brad and I a long way with a better understanding of each other and what we both need in a marriage and in life.

6) What has been the most challenging aspect of being a wife?

Being a wife can be difficult, but being a military wife can be even more difficult. Thankfully God prepared me throughout my lifetime without me being aware of the tools He was giving me. I rely on my husband as a partner in life, but God has made me comfortable being independent while Brad is gone for weeks at a time. We have found what works for our family with our lifestyle. We are in transition again now that Brad is retired and we have settled down, hoping we don’t have to move again. We are excited for this new adventure.

7) How has being a wife changed you?

Brad and I got married what some may consider as later in life. I was 31 and Brad was 28. It was an adjustment for both of us to rely on another person, but we are better people. I no longer have to figure out the finances by myself (I’m HORRIBLE at that), and he doesn’t have to worry about keeping a household going.

I have found that I can be vulnerable around others because I don’t have to stay strong to get through the day, a week, etc., because I know someone has my back.

8) What does date night look like for you?

Before we had kids, we decided we would have a weekly date night. Once the kids came along, we found a date-night babysitter and have tried to keep to this schedule. Date night isn’t always a dinner and a movie, but usually a quick bite to eat and a run to the grocery store. We can enjoy each other’s company without little voices griping and wanting this and that.

9) What are the top three things/people that pull you away from or compete with your marriage? How do you deal with them?

At the beginning of our marriage, our parents would try to pull us away from each other. I don’t think they knowingly were doing it, but I find it a blessing that we were in Korea during this time because it was easier for us to keep the distance. We all needed to adjust to married life.

Kids are always wanting individual attention and can wear a person out so much that there isn’t enough energy to give to the other adult in the house, but I have a wonderful husband who is an awesome dad and is very involved with the kids. We are teaching them that mommy and daddy need some quiet time just like they need quiet time.

I think the Internet, TV, hobbies, etc., can compete with marriage. We are around people who want our attention all day, in the evening it can be easier to vege in front of the TV or sit mindlessly trolling the Internet or work on whatever crocheting project I have going. Thankfully these things have not worn away at our relationship and we will playfully tell the other, “Pay attention to me!” when we feel we need the other’s attention.

10) What role has community played in your marriage?

God has brought some awesome couples into our lives over the years. We have seen how God has strengthened their marriages and have learned from them. And now that we’re parents, we have taken some of the things that have worked for others and have applied it to our lives (ie., date night and discipline).

11) What’s one thing you wish someone had told you before marriage?

I’m sure someone told me this but it didn’t register at the time: I am in awe of how close I can be to this one person and how well we can make it through life with that someone when God has brought us together. We find our relationship natural and easy, and I have never had that with anyone else in my life.

If you have one final thought or piece of advice to share with current or future wives, what would it be?

If I had one final thought it would be to remember that your spouse is also a work in process. I have had to remind myself that he, too, is not perfect, and I can’t expect perfection from anyone. All I can do is love him and follow what God has asked me to do, which is love God and love people – including my husband. Crazy as it sounds, it can be hard to remember to show love to those you are around the most.

Au Revoir to Marriage Counseling: Reflecting on 3 Years & Sharing New Fears

September 4, 2013 By: Shana8 Comments

Yesterday marked a milestone for me and Casey. At 6:01 pm we stepped out of marriage counseling with a seal of approval. She said we’re normal. She said we seem to be doing well. She said we are going to be okay.

If I’m honest, there were times that I doubted we’d ever hear those words. When things first got bad in our marriage, I couldn’t imagine making it out on the other end together, and happy at that. I knew we would never get a divorce because that was a decision we had both made well before marrying one another. But I thought I had been sentenced to living with a stranger for the rest of my life. Doomed to be sleeping with the enemy. Sentenced to misery for the rest of my days.

I wish I could say that when we first stepped through the doors of a counselor’s office 3 years ago, I saw hope, a light at the end of the tunnel, but I didn’t, at least not for a while. In fact, if you’ve ever experienced marriage counseling, you know what I mean when I say all I saw was more darkness, less hope – more anger, less love. Counseling takes you to a dark place. To the core of the matter. To the evil, selfish nature of our souls. To the tragic and traumatic pain of our past, those memories we try hard to forget. It takes your wounds and grinds salt deep down in.

No, there was no hope for us through those doors…

or so I thought.

I’m not sure when I really began to believe that this day could actually come, to believe that one day someone would look at us and say we have a healthy marriage. Maybe it was the first time we were able to repair after a fight left us both hurt and running away from one another. Maybe it was when we moved from couple’s counseling to group counseling. I’m not sure, but I can assure you that had the hope not come, had the light at the end of the tunnel not appeared, I don’t know that I would have stuck it out this long. 3 long years. 3 “honeymoon” years. Individual counseling, couples counseling, marriage group, more individual counseling, more couples counseling – it’s over… at least for now. We’ve been told we’re “normal,” and are now on an as-needed basis. It doesn’t mean we won’t ever walk through a counselor’s door again. In fact, I can guarantee you we will, but it does mean that we no longer have regularly scheduled sessions nor that feeling that something isn’t right with us.

Over the last 3 years we have come to know 4 different counselors intimately, and each has offered wisdom and training that has been invaluable, but when I walked out of that office yesterday I could have just wept for joy. We are free! We are going to make it. ‘Our hard work has paid off.’ Our God is so good!

So why am I so scared?

Since we were cleared from counseling I’ve been plagued by an uneasy feeling. I wasn’t sure what it was until I took some time to write. I hate to admit it, but I’m scared. Yes. The girl that said she’d never step foot in a therapist’s office is now scared not to go. This means we are on our own, that we need to use what we’ve learned to trudge through the the hard times and repair. There isn’t going to be a weekly checkin with the person that can help us understand each other and draw us closer together.

I’m scared to do it on our own.
I’m scared that we will fail and end up right back where we started.
I’m scared that she’s wrong, that this was just a good week and we’re not really “normal.”
I’m scared of where we were.
I’m scared that 3 months from now I’ll be right where I was 3 years ago – crying myself to sleep next to a husband that can’t bear to utter the words I love you or touch the wife lying by his side.

Dear Lord, You know I can’t ever go back there.

Au Revior to Marriage Counseling: Reflections and New Fears

But the truth is that we are not those people. The truth is if you knew us then, you wouldn’t recognize us now. God has done a mighty work in us, and not just as a couple, but as individuals. We have learned how to communicate in a way that draws us closer. We have learned to be a safe person for each each other  in a marriage where transparency is now celebrated instead of feared. We have worked through trials of our past and integrated them into the present. We have found healing from abuse, neglect, and traumas we didn’t even know were impacting us and the best part – we’ve done it together.

There was one point during our counseling that Casey said he wished he has taken care of all his mess before he got married. Trust me, there’s a huge part of me that agrees. A part of me that wants to save myself the heartache and tears that I endured over the last 3.5 years. But there’s an even bigger part of me that is so thankful we went through this together. Because what we thought was a marriage problem was really a Casey problem and a Shana problem. And I can’t speak for Casey, but the work that needed to be done in me was nothing anyone would ever want to walk through alone. It was the work we did the first year of marriage that gave me the strength to walk through some deep and much needed healing for myself our second year of marriage, and I can’t imagine having to walk through that mess without Casey by my side. Yes, our plan would have been to handle our issues before marriage, but God’s plans are always better. He used marriage in our lives as a catalyst to begin a process of refining that revealed our sinfulness in a deep way, but left us looking more like His Son – more loving, more joyful, more whole.

No, I am not married to the man I married, nor is he married to the woman he married. The woman he married was hard-hearted, walled up in a fortress of protection. She was dangerously independent and stubborn, a control freak that created her own peace. She was prideful, never wrong and unforgiving. She was wounded, hiding her cuts and bruises under fake smiles and meaningless accomplishments. She was leary, keeping her husband at a distance. Yet, she was dependant on his response, his love, his behavior to define her value. She was lost in a fortress she had created to protect her heart and keep her pain locked away. But that is not the woman he is married to. That is not me and nor will it ever be. I am a new creation, refined by my Loving Father. But not perfect, not whole because thankfully His work is never done. Which means our work is never done, and we’ll never have a fairytale marriage or have it all figured out. But we do have the tools we need to cling to each other and  look to the Lord and not to ourselves when times get rough because we are a team, and God is our coach and after 3 years of practice we are finally back in the game.

Marriage Class Causes Fights

September 13, 2011 By: Shana4 Comments

I told you all before that Casey and I have moved out of individual marriage counseling and into ‘group therapy’ or I guess you could just call is a marriage class. This class requires us to complete homework each week. Together. We both have to read. To be serious. To attempt to be emotionally connected. Probably best that we don’t wait until Sunday night to complete the homework, but we do. Every time.

The homework is suppose to help us connect better emotionally. To understand each other more. Resolve conflict. It’s a perfect storm for, well, conflict. Leave it to us to argue during marriage class homework.

If the homework wasn’t enough, the class itself stirs up conflict. You open up old wounds. Have to pause and reflect on how much you really trust your husband. Not trust as in the not-gonna-cheat kind of trust, but the I’m able to be emotionally vulnerable with you and believe that you will be there for me to support me kind of trust. Definitely not the same.

Someone once told me that conflict is the gateway to intimacy. If they’re right, our intimacy is going to be off the charts in no time.

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Meet the Wife

Hi! I'm a semi-newlywed living in a small town outside of Nashville with my husband, Casey, our baby boy, teen niece, and hyperactive dog, Minny. I'm a new mom and marketing consultant at BeEngaging.com that loves Jesus and won't eat anything with 4 legs. I talk about marriage, pregnancy, parenting and everything in between. I believe real growth only happens through transparency. Join me on the journey. Read More…

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