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The Wednesday Wife: Jennifer Cooper

March 19, 2014 By: Shana1 Comment

You are about to read the first Wednesday Wife that was submitted via my online request. When I put the request out there for wives to share their stories, Jennifer had been impacted by the stories of other Wednesday Wives and was already thinking and praying about what her responses would be.

I met Jennifer on a Christian retreat the summer between my freshman and sophomore year of college.  Side Note: That retreat (Journey Weekend) was a huge turning point for me in my walk with the Lord! Jennifer’s story is one that will likely sound familiar. From struggling over finances and in-laws to trials with their sex life and being parents, I don’t know any wife that can’t relate to a part of Jennifer’s story. That’s why I’m so thankful for her honesty and for her husband allowing her to be so open with us all.

Please remember that when we share like this we are leaving ourselves vulnerable. This is our chance to love on Jennifer. Please make sure to leave a comment thanking her for sharing or letting her know how her story has encouraged or comforted you.

Jennifer Cooper married her husband, Jerry, on June 28, 2008. 

the-wednesday-wife-jennifer-cooper

“When you wake up each day, make the choice to love your husband.”

1)  Tell us your courtship story. How did you meet and end up married?

We met at church. He was actually dating someone else at that time. Eventually they broke up and Jerry told me that he listened to what I was saying about my life and my plans for my life and decided that I “had it together.” I remember telling him later in our relationship that a few weeks earlier, I had been feeling like there was nobody on Earth for me to be with/marry…that I was never going to meet someone and fall in love, and that I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. I had prayed one night for God to send me the person I was supposed to be with for the rest of my life…and if he never came, then I would accept that. So Jerry, just out of the blue, comes up to me and asks if I want to come sit with him during Brush Arbor. He asked for my number, actually called when he said he would, and from then on, we have been together. Our first date was to TCBY in Johnson City with a few other people from church.

Jerry would surprise me by leaving me a rose in my car while I was at work (BB&B) or by leaving me little love notes. I would surprise him with video games or balloons by the lake just chilling out, talking.

During the 2nd year of our relationship, I think we both knew that we were going to get married. It took Jerry longer than me, of course, to realize the inevitable. The day before our 3 year anniversary, we said “I do” and vowed to love each other in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, until death do us part!

2)  On your wedding day, if someone asked you why you were getting married, what would you have said?

I would have said that I was marrying Jerry because I love him, and that he is my best friend (not that kind of friend you call up and shoot the breeze with, but the kind that you wanted to do EVERYTHING with and see EVERY DAY), and honestly…that it was the next logical step in the relationship.

3)   If someone asked you today why you have stayed married, what would you say?

I would say it is partly because I love Jerry and that I promised to love him in front of God and everyone we know. Believe me, I like my alone time, but I like sharing my life with him too.

4)  Do you have children? If so, how has having children affected your marriage?

We had a beautiful baby girl, Callie Reese, 8 months ago. It was one of the best days of my life! Jerry and I had a piece of both of us…and she’s perfect! People are correct in saying “a baby changes everything”….because it does!!! Used to, we could just be spontaneous and go out whenever we wanted and didn’t have to worry about babysitters. We could sleep as late as we wanted. We had time for each other…but now, we have a little person depending on us for EVERYTHING! Being a parent is a 24/7 job. Sure, you can get a babysitter for a date night or an over-nighter somewhere, but making time for each other is harder now…a lot harder.

I feel like being a mother is very different from being a father. It’s natural for a woman to be the primary caregiver and protector of a child, but eventually, the mother is exhausted and is running on nothing but caffeine and a few hours of sleep. Things start going undone like dishes, laundry, bathrooms, etc. and the fuse just gets shorter and shorter until everything blows up and mom and dad are arguing more and more. All of our attention is on Callie, and she needs that, but I think that if we take a step back, we need to realize that being married is us being a team…now we just have a third player.

5)   What has been one of your greatest trials in your marriage and how did you all overcome it?

See question #6 🙂

6)   What has been the most challenging aspect of being a wife?

I tried early on in our marriage to be “that” wife…the one who cooks and cleans and is always in the mood, and always happy. I failed at that…miserably! We have had a major issue with the lack of sex in our relationship. Yes, it was wrong, but before we got married we didn’t think twice about it! Soon after we got married (like on the honeymoon) I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to keep up his sex schedule, cook, clean, and be happy all the time! I was becoming stressed with the tasks of having to keep up with my needs…and his! Going from having one person to take care of (yourself) to having to take care of two people (yourself and your husband) was a huge change for me! I always worry about what needs to be done in the house, what bills I have paid or not paid, what I am going to make for dinner. We also wanted sex for different reasons…for Jerry is what physical intimacy but for me it was to have a baby. He didn’t want a baby until we started having more sex and I wasn’t getting pregnant because of the lack of sex…a never-ending cycle. We are still working on this to this day and we’ve been married for 5 years!

So, the most challenging aspect of being a wife is trying, and failing at being “that wife”.

7)  How has being a wife changed you?

I’m not as laid back as I used to be.

8)  What does date night look like for you?

Normally, it would be dinner and a movie in town. Now…it’s homemade pizza and a Redbox movie…but that is fine with me! I can have just as much fun lounging at home as I can going out in town. I just like being able to spend time together without having to turn my attention to something domestic. Since Callie has been born, she has been with us for our “dates.” But we went to Gatlinburg one night and went out to a very nice restaurant.

9)  What are the top three things/people that pull you away from or compete with your marriage? How do you deal with them?

1. In-laws: Most of the time, our parents are supportive and always there for us, but sometimes, they can get on our nerves! I get aggravated at the constant calling “for no good reason” (his mom) and he gets aggravated at the “throwing things away” spells (my mom). And of course, I am going to think that my mom is better and he is going to think that his mom is better. We just ignore it most of the time, but if there is an issue with his mom, he deals with it and vice versa.

2. Housework: This is a work in progress (currently our issue). I feel like I am the one doing all of the housework. I think he feels like he is helping as much as I am, but I think my idea of him helping and his idea of him helping are two totally different things!!!! I know we aren’t supposed to keep score, but I feel like I do 95% of the housework and he does 5%. I’m trying not to nag him so much and be thankful for when he does help out…even if it’s not what my idea of “helping out” is.

3. Finances: Neither of us are “savers”. We like to buy things!!! Since Callie has been born, our focus is buying or building a house and growing our savings account. We get two steps forward, then he comes through the door with a new 55” TV that we “just had to have”. This is honestly the root of most of our arguments, but now if we want to buy something, little or big, we ask ourselves “Do we want this now or do we want a house”?

10)  What role has community played in your marriage?

Most people we come in contact with play a positive role in our marriage. We were told by our previous preacher that “we would never make it”…which is why a different preacher married us (that’s a whole other story). Our parents are always supportive and are there for us when we need to vent or cry or just get away. Others, however, have been negative…going through nasty divorces and always having something negative to say about marriage in general. I think that eventually, some of that negativity rubs off on us and feeds how we react to certain situations. We just have to remember why we got married in the first place! Jerry and I are not even making divorce an option! We can work through anything…it may not be pretty, but in the end we will be happy…with each other!

11)  What’s the one thing you wish someone had told you before marriage?

I wish people had been more positive about the whole aspect of marriage. We were both told “don’t do it” by people we worked with. Not because we weren’t good for each other, but because they had been through marriage after marriage and nothing worked out for them, so they just assumed that it was going to be the same for us. I wish someone would have told us more than once that marriage is a hard, but rewarding journey! Yeah, there are going to be arguments and days that you ask yourself “what did I get myself in to”, but the bigger picture is that you are with this person until death…this is your LIFE PARTNER, the person who is going to see you at your lowest moment and still be there for you no matter what happened or what was said. I truly believe that Jerry is my answer to that prayer I prayed 8 years ago!

Pledge Against Pregnancy Permission: You do not have the right to comment on my size

January 19, 2014 By: Shana4 Comments

I’m not even 8 weeks pregnant and it’s already begun. My dear friends, Tom and Jodi, warned me about this phenomenon that I would like to call Pregnancy Permission.

“Pregnancy is the one time in life that everyone feels they have the right to comment on a woman’s body.”

I’ve seen it in action before so I knew they were right, but no one had ever said it to me in quite that way before. It become clear to me just how wrong this perceived pregnancy permission is. We’d never go around commenting on a stranger’s muffin top or tell our girlfriend over lunch she looks like she put on a few pounds since we saw her last week. Yet we find out a friend is pregnant and we say things like “I thought I saw a baby bump,” or “you’re already starting to show.” I’ve heard stories that are becoming all too familiar among my friends. “Oh my, you look like you’re about to pop,” when she’s only 7 months along. “My that baby sure is growing fast.” “Are you sure you’re not having twins?” I’m sure you have your own quotes you could add. And there’s even the opposite end of the spectrum. “You’re 15 weeks? You don’t even look pregnant…” when all my friend wanted was a little baby bump.

As a newly pregnant woman that is already freaking out about the changes happening to my body and haunted by the comments from friends, let me offer you some novice advice. The next time you talk to a pregnant woman, especially me, don’t comment on her body. In fact, can we all just make it known to the world right now that pregnancy does not grant anyone the right to comment on a woman’s body — EVER! I think my friend Jodi put it best when she said, “the only thing I will say to you is you look beautiful.” She is so wise, and after 3 kids of her own, experienced with this pregnancy permission stuff. There’s probably nothing a pregnant woman wants to hear more than “you’re beautiful.” We’re tired, sick, run down, stretched (quite literally), sometimes depressed, and for many, bigger than we’ve ever been. We want you to see us, not our belly. Is that too much to ask?

Of course, we should all have one or two friends that are close enough to us to honestly tell us that it’s clear we need some sleep, or it’s time we wash those sweatpants we’ve been in for a week, but if you’re that person to someone, you know it. Chances are you’re not, so when in doubt, pregnancy permission does not apply. 

The Pledge

So as someone who has been guilty of thinking I had pregnancy permission in the past, I now pledge to hold my tongue and choose words like beautiful that look past the physical and into the heart of the woman and the miracle happening inside her. Would you join me in my fight against this perceived pregnancy permission? Join me in resisting that fake smile the next time someone tells you how big you’re getting? Join me in silencing your opinions about a mom-to-be’s physical appearance and instead make her day by speaking words of beauty and encouragement to her? If so, leave a comment saying “I’m in” and encourage your friends to do the same.

Together, we can put an end to pregnancy permission once and for all! 😉 

Originally written October 18, 2013.

When Should You Get Married?

May 31, 2013 By: Shana2 Comments

Are women waiting too long to get married these days? One lady dropped jaws at Princeton when she encouraged girls to be on the lookout for a spouse. You may not agree with her either, but what other time in your life will you have that many eligible bachelors in your midst? She has a point.

when-should-i-get-married
I can really relate to this story. My mom wanted me to wait until I was 30 to get married. Much like they mention in the article, she believed that I needed to live my life before marriage. She’s not alone. Many women today feel that marriage is the end of their independence, fun and career. Just like kids, it’s something we should schedule and push back if possible. I was right there with them. I wasn’t quite willing to wait until 30, but for some reason, 27 felt like the right age. Then I met Casey.

Even with such an incredible man by my side, it took me a while to become okay with the idea of marriage at 23. Eventually I realized that all those things I wanted to do as a single lady would be way more fun with Casey by my side. Although my mom wanted me to wait, as always, she was more than supportive of our marriage. I hope that she has seen how being married to Casey has not held me back at all, but has spurred me on to greater adventures and successes.

I’m definitely not saying that getting married younger is the answer. We have our share of troubles that a few more years of maturity might have helped us through, but we’ve also gotten to share so sweet times together and milestones that we would have missed if we waited. I am saying that waiting for the sake of waiting or because society says your too young or you’re scared of losing your freedom is not the way to go.

So what is it that’s making women wait? Fear of change? Desire for independence? Focus on career? Selfishness? Whatever it is, it’s proving effective at keeping women single for longer.

Do you think people are waiting too long to get married?

Photo Credit: Daniel Ted Feliciano
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Meet the Wife

Hi! I'm a semi-newlywed living in a small town outside of Nashville with my husband, Casey, our baby boy, teen niece, and hyperactive dog, Minny. I'm a new mom and marketing consultant at BeEngaging.com that loves Jesus and won't eat anything with 4 legs. I talk about marriage, pregnancy, parenting and everything in between. I believe real growth only happens through transparency. Join me on the journey. Read More…

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