Recently Gwyneth Paltrow has been opening up about the realties of marriage. This blog quotes Gwyn admitting, “Sometimes it’s hard being with someone for a long time. We go through periods that aren’t all rosy.” In this Good Housekeeping article (1 of my favorite mags) you’ll find more details about those not-so-rosy times. “Marriage is hard. Chris and I have had our ups and downs, big-time,” she says. “Marriage is way more complicated than just Who gets to control the remote? But hopefully we keep heading in the same direction and getting through the obstacles.”

I commend her honesty, openness and realistic perspective of marriage (unlike some other celebs); however, other quotes from the blog and the GH article leave me a little disappointed.

The blog quotes her as saying, “If, God forbid, we were ever not to be together, I respect him so much as the father of my children. Like, I made such a good choice.”

The article: “I always say, life is long and you never know what’s going to happen.”

I’m thankful she is open about the struggles in her marriage and willing to admit that things aren’t always perfect, but it breaks my heart to hear her entertain the idea of divorce. I honestly believe that divorce should NEVER been on the table. It should never be threatened. It shouldn’t be in the back of your mind. It shouldn’t be something that you see as a last resort or an out of any kind. I’m not saying I don’t believe in divorce (I’m not 100% sure exactly where I stand on the issue). I am saying that if you enter into the marriage covenant with divorce on the table or anywhere near the table, you’re more likely to end up there. Maybe you won’t, but I can almost guarantee there will be a lot of additional heartache due to the mistrust and uncertainty that comes with divorce-related thoughts.

It took a while for this to be my conviction, but when Casey and I were dating, a lot of my fear of marriage came from believing that divorce wouldn’t be an option. When you know you really are in it through the good and the bad, even the very bad, it takes an act of God for you to have the peace you need to make that lifelong commitment to someone.

What are your thoughts? Do you think having divorce on the table before entering into marriage increase the likelihood that a couple will split?

A recent NY Times article states: Married couples have dropped below half of all American households for the first time, the Census Bureau says, a milestone in the evolution of the American family toward less traditional forms.

A little dramatic don’t ya think? I understand that less Americans are married than previous years, but I don’t think that this means the American family is undergoing a major evolution, that the future generation is going to be greatly disturbed or that marriage is dying. However, the stats are interesting and are worth thinking about. The article shares a few important factors that could have an effect on this marriage stat.

• People are getting married later.
• People are living longer, which means many will be widowed longer.
• There’s been a large influx of immigrants in their 20s & 30s, unmarried.
• More are choosing to live together without being married.

What the article really doesn’t spend much time addressing is what this Boston Globe article focuses on.

Divorce rates are also DECLINING.

There seems to be a correlation here. Like the NY Times article mentions, people are getting married later in life. Their waiting into their careers are more established. Trying not to make a hasty decision. Thinking about marriage as permanent. Whatever is taking them so long, it seems to be doing the trick. Because people are taking longer to get marriage, the divorce rates are as low as they were in the 70s. To me, this seems more promising than higher marriage rates AND higher divorce rates.

What do you think about the latest census stats? Good news or bad?

I read an article today about marriage. Apparently this lady has written a book that analyzes the current state of marriage in our culture. I’ll be referring back to this article for a couple of posts so I encourage you to check it out – Marriage Confidential.

“Between the realms of marital bliss and plate-throwing scream-fests lies the densely populated state of “semi-happy” marriages. They aren’t miserable, merely lackluster. In her new book “Marriage Confidential: The Post-Romantic Age of Workhorse Wives, Royal Children, Undersexed Spouses, & Rebel Couples,” historian Pamela Haag investigates the implications of these “so-so” couplings, which account for as many as 65 percent of divorces in the United States, according to research.”

It’s like in the Bible when God says if we’re lukewarm, He’ll spit us out of his mouth. Semi-happy, lackluster marriages are worse for us than those full of conflict, in fact, statistics say that 65% of divorces can be attributed to this so-so status. If you’re like me, you’re wondering what’s the explanation for this. Here are my raw thoughts.

• Maybe people with so-so marriages pretend like everything is okay until it builds up and blows up.
• Is it that those with all the conflict are the ones fighting for a more than lackluster marriage?
• Possibly a semi-happy marriage just symbolizes a lack of passion in general.
• Maybe lackluster just means “we give up.”
• It’s possible that people just lie. They don’t want to admit that they’re fighting all the time when they get a divorce so the stats are wrong.

Clearly I don’t know the answer. I do know that Casey and I probably started with a lackluster marriage, but it didn’t last long because we wanted something more. Now I don’t know that it will be ever be the world’s definition of ‘martial bliss,’ but I do know that it won’t ever be so-so because we won’t ever stop fighting for more.

What do you think? Why are lackluster marriages causing more divorces than those with lots of conflict? What causes lackluster marriages?