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A Song Knocks Me on My Face, Where I Can Just Be Me

February 14, 2014 By: Shana1 Comment

It’s that moment when you’re driving down the road, and your world is in control – or so you think. Sure life is kind of crazy right now, but you’re doing a decent job keeping the plates spinning. Then that song comes on. You know the one. It may be the first time you’ve heard it or you may have heard it a hundred times before, but it hits you in a whole new way – like a ton of bricks. Before you know it, tears are flowing down your cheeks, and all of the sudden yours eyes are opened to your own delusion.

I had that moment the other day. Life has been a little chaotic lately with a baby on the way and working through the process of getting custody of my 13-year-old niece. Going from zero to two kids in a matter of months caught me just a little bit off-guard, but like I always do, I handled it. I didn’t panic. I wasn’t nervous. I just did what I had to do to hold the pieces together and make sure my world kept spinning. I was doing just fine – or so I thought. Then that song came on the radio and my façade could no longer be ignored.

I’ve been doing all that I can
To hold it all together
Piece by piece.
I’ve been feeling like a failure,
Trying to be braver
Than I could ever be.
It’s just not me.

So be my healer, be my comfort, be my peace.
Cause I can be broken, I can be needy,
Lord I need You now to be,
Be my God, so I can just be me.

Laura Story – So I Can Just Be Me

“Oh God! That’s me!”

Before I could make it home the tears were streaming. I silenced the radio as God’s convictions were flooding my heart and mind. I was having a revelation (one I wasn’t too excited about) as the Holy Spirit spoke to the very core of my soul.

Let go. Just let go of all the things of this world that you are holding onto. Stop trying to fill the empty place in your soul with temporary satisfactions. I am the only thing that can fill that void. It is My home in your heart, made perfectly for Me. You keep trying to ignore what you know is emptiness due to My absence. You mask it with temporary pleasures and earthly solutions. You “fix” things. You try and hold your world together on your own, and you fail every time. You fail because it’s not your job. You weren’t made to carry these burdens alone. You need to allow Me to be your God so that you can just be you.

You’re under a lot of stress right now because the waves of change are coming. You feel like a tsunami is on the horizon, but it’s all your perspective. You’ve stared at it so long your mind is focused on it instead of Me. Don’t you think times like this are when your eyes should be fixed on Me? Don’t you think you’re better off clinging to Me than yourself? You have no chance facing this storm on your own, but I am the Great I Am. I have authority over the seas that rage. I am the only one that can calm the storm. They say I don’t ever give you more than you can handle, but that’s not true. You can’t handle this. You can’t handle owning a business, being a wife, adopting a teenager, and having a baby. You can’t handle these things alone. No one can, but together we can.

 You’re always trying to do more than you need to – trying to be superwoman. Then you find yourself failing, falling short of what you thought possible. “Where are you God?” you cry out. You wonder why I haven’t come to your rescue. Have you read My Word? Seek and you will find. Knock and I will answer. When was the last time you knocked on My door? When was the last time you sought My presence? And you wonder why I’m nowhere to be found.

Do you think I enjoy this – this distance from My beloved daughter’s heart? Do you think I find joy in watching you flail around in the rising waters? It pains my soul to watch, to sit idly by as you anger and hurt, to have my whisper be drowned out by the storm you’ve created. I desire to be by your side. Even more, I long to carry you through. This weight is not yours to bear. Let me be your God, your Mighty Warrior, your Healer, and give yourself the freedom to just be you, whatever that looks like at the moment. I have not left you unprepared for this new journey. In fact, I have been preparing you all your life. So just relax and welcome me back in, so you and I can enjoy the ride together.

“Yes, God. I need to stop trying to be You because there can only be one God in my life, one ruler, and I wasn’t made to fill that role. I was made to need You, and I do, desperately. Only now, I see that clearly, and I’m ready – ready to be “broken and needy” so that I can know and experience Your Fullness in my life again.”

That song was the key that opened my eyes to my reality, and to God’s desire for His beloved daughter. God used the lyrics to grant me the freedom to let go of control, and fall on my knees before Him. It was just a brief moment that is now a continuous reminder of His great love for me, and how no matter how much I try to deny it, my life is not meant to be lived without Him.

The Wednesday Wife: Kelly Bailey

January 29, 2014 By: Shana1 Comment

I am so glad that I get to share my sweet friend, Kelly’s, marriage story with you all. So often my blog has been full of the ups and downs that Casey and I have endured throughout our marriage, but I want you to know that not every couple endures such hardships within marriage.

Kelly and Nate’s marriage is beautiful picture of a marriage that just works, and God knew what He was doing. But even still, there’s much to learn and no one would say their marriage is “perfect.” They needed a strong marriage to endure some of the trials they’ve had to face together. Just another picture of how every path in life is uniquely designed and there is not one greater than another. 

She doesn’t talk about it much, but Kelly is an incredible artist. From graphic design to portraits that will seriously blow your mind and melt your heart, you want to see what she does with this awesome gift God gave her. Take a look at The Artist of Life. 

Please remember that when we share like this we are leaving ourselves vulnerable. This is our chance to love on Kelly. Please make sure to leave a comment thanking her for sharing or letting her know how her story has encouraged or comforted you.

Kelly Bailey married her husband, Nate, on October 26, 2008.

 wednesday-wife-kelly-bailey

1)    Tell us your courtship story. How did you meet and end up married?

Nate and I had heard of each other by name from mutual friends, but didn’t meet in person until Inversion (a young adult group at Fellowship Bible Church) had an outing: The Amazing Race.  We weren’t paired on the same team, but I remember seeing him and hearing his name, thinking “So THAT’S the all-famous Nate I keep hearing about!”  This was in July of 2006.

Over the next few months, we saw each other in group settings and then realized that we worked out at the same gym and lived literally within walking distance of each other.  He knew a bit about training and I knew nothing, so he offered to work out with me.  (He claims that he had no interest in me at the time, and he’s sticking with that story.)  I thought he was great, but didn’t have googly eyes for him or anything.  He was so kind to everyone, I couldn’t tell if he treated me any differently.

In November, Nate had tickets to a music event and my roommate tried to set him up with a friend of hers from Belmont to go with him.  She agreed to go, but not before I realized that I didn’t want him to meet anyone “special.”  Conveniently, something came up and she was unable to go after all, and Nate ended up asking me to go.  I suppose it was our first date.  In the months following, we hung out more and he eventually held my hand and kissed me.  I actually felt my heart skip a few beats and I had trouble breathing: those things you read about or see in a movie, but they actually happened to me. 

How did he go from being just some nice guy to being someone who could stop my heart with his touch? 

A few months later, on Easter in 2007, I met all of his family and knew that one day, they would be my family.  He was slower deciding about me, but eventually he realized we were made for each other.  Ha 🙂  We dated over the course of a year and 8 months before he proposed on stage at the Williamson County Fair where I was getting recognition on winning Best of Show for one of my paintings.  We got married 10 weeks later in Franklin, TN on the most beautiful day of my life.

2)    On your wedding day if someone had asked why you were getting married, what would you have said?

Someone did ask me this question before the wedding, and I responded, “I can’t wait to ‘do life’ with Nate. He’s my best friend and my world would not be as full without him in it.”

3)    If someone asked you today why you have stayed married, what would you say?

Splitting up has never been an option for us.  From the beginning, we made the commitment to stay together through any trials and hardships that come up. Knowing that there was no easy way out, we have communicated with each other differently than some with an “escape route” might.  We bring things up that need to be worked through before they fester and cause issues – usually within the hour, but definitely within the day.  Nate is particularly good at seeking out resolution to a potential problem and addressing it.  He senses when I’m not myself and makes sure if there is anything he can do to make it better. In the rare event that it’s something involving him, we have a mature, two-sided discussion and move on. He makes me feel safe.

4)    Do you have children? If so, how has having children affected your marriage?

We have two children, ages 3 and 15 months.  There are definite changes that happened in our marriage after having children, but they are mostly good.  For instance, seeing Nate with his kids loving on them and delighting in them only deepens my own affection toward him.  I see things in my kids that are so like their daddy and since I’m quite fond of him, this makes me happy :).  He’s an amazing, engaged father and our children are blessed.

We agree on the major parenting issues, so we haven’t experienced the strife that people assured us would come when we became parents and differing on things.  I’m sure things will come up, but we’ll handle them.  I think one of the biggest things that have changed is that we have to be super intentional (and fail often) at making quality time for each other.  We’re tired at the end of the day, and we sometimes have work or personal projects that “need” attention after the kids go to bed, and it’s easy to just go into survival mode and neglect tending to the most important human relationship in our home: each other. 

5)    What has been one of your greatest trials in your marriage and how did you all overcome it?

I’m going to say this and it may not seem believable to some, but I can’t think of a greatest trial in our marriage.  It’s been nearly idyllic, and some struggles that we’ve had have not been between each other, but things we’ve weathered together like our son needing a major skull surgery when we wasn’t even 4 months old. Or Nate quitting one job that he’d had for 7 years to take a new direction in business and the financial uncertainty that came during the interim.  These things were incredibly hard, but brought us closer together and closer to God because we literally were out of control and had to lean on each other and on the Lord to get us through. I felt like Nate was such a calming force during the months leading up to our son’s surgery.  I’m so grateful for that.

6)    What has been the most challenging aspect of being a wife?

Definitely learning to be selfless.  Half of the time now with two kids, it’s a miracle if I get a bit to eat for lunch.  I’ll be starting to fix something and then think of him upstairs, probably starving in his office and I’m thinking, “He won’t eat unless I fix something for him.”  (It’s true.)  And he probably doesn’t want three strawberries and a string cheese to get him through, so I buck up and make a real lunch when of course it’s more time consuming, but the look on his relieved face when I present him with a proper meal when he’s been working so hard for our family is worth it.

Things like this are common:  We get into bed, all snuggly and warm, and I’m super comfortable and he has a splitting headache.  He definitely needs Tylenol and an ice pack and he shouldn’t have to get up so I get it for him.  These are the times when it’d be so much easier to be selfish, but marriage is dying to yourself. Parenting is dying to yourself ad nauseum.  God’s using both of these to chip away at my innate desire to make my life comfortable and easy for ME.  I’m a work in progress, but I know that there is likely no better training ground for selflessness than living in a home with three other people. 😉

7)    How has being a wife changed you?

Wow.  This is a really good question.  Looking back on who I was before tying the knot and now, I’m a remarkably different person.  It may not be easy to sift through what happened through marriage/kids and through just the passage of time and maturing, but I’ll try.

I see my weaknesses and strengths now through a magnifying glass. There’s just no way to hide either of them when someone knows you so intimately and deeply.  With that knowing comes the desire to change the things that aren’t so pretty: selfishness, a judgemental spirit, a tendency to complain when things aren’t going well, or a short fuse when I’m frustrated.  Marriage has softened me and made me more aware of my heart condition: one that’s in constant need of repair.

Marriage has made me intensely grateful for a loving and strong husband.  I never even knew to ask God for certain characteristics in a spouse, but God went above and beyond giving them to me in Nate, and there’s no way I could miss that.  I don’t even understand how I snagged such a gem. 😉

Submission:  It never sounded like much to get excited about before marriage.  I have a strong will and have a tendency to feel like I’m right about a lot of things.  I won’t say that submission terrified me, but I definitely would never have guessed how freeing it is.  I love knowing that it’s really not about what I decide or want anymore: the guesswork is taken out of major decisions because I have a leader husband who listens to and consideres the merit of my take on things but ultimately makes the decisions. It’s fantastic, and I’m so glad God thought up the whole submission concept.  It’s almost like He knew how things work best. 😉

8)    What does date night look like for you?

These days when we want to go out at night, we have to have a sitter: usually my mom or sister.  We go to dinner or shopping (Home Depot counts as an exciting outing in our house! LOL) or we hang out by our favorite willow tree in Franklin.  One of our favorite dates this year was when we went to Chick-Fil-A and just dreamed about what we wanted out of this past year.  We made goals and shared our “what ifs.”  It was wonderful.  We also really enjoy Arrington Vineyards, but we usually end up there with the kids.  When we can’t get a sitter, we rent a movie on Apple TV or just put the kids to bed and eat a quiet dinner alone on the deck.  We do not do date night often enough, but we’ll hit that point where we realize it’s crucial (usually 2-3 weeks since we’ve had one) and just make it a priority.  This is an area we need to work on.

9)    What are the top three things/people that pull you away from or compete with your marriage? How do you deal with them?

Our kids.  Work.  And dare I say: Social Media?  Two of those are obvious and there’s not a lot we can do about them.  The third one I’ve just realized is trying to compete for our time – mostly when we get into the bedroom for the evening after a long day.  Hopping on Facebook is decompression and we’ll be lying there next to each other for 20 minutes, each scrolling through to see what’s happened in our friends’ lives, oblivious to the fine details of each other’s lives.  Some days we’re each doing our own thing  all day (sometimes under the same roof even) but haven’t had a meal together until dinner and I feel disconnected from him.  When we finally settle down, we still aren’t connecting, and it’s the stupid phones.  We used to have a rule: no phones in bed, but I don’t know what happened to it.  Maybe it’s time to resurrect it… Okay, it’s time to resurrect it.

10)    What role has community played in your marriage?

We are both people who like to learn from others’ successes and failures. We have been blessed with older and wiser people in our lives and we make it a point to spend time with them to glean what we can from them.  We also have a number of wonderful couple friends who lift us up and make us want to be better parents or spouses or entrepreneurs.  They energize us and help us see other ways of doing things.  We had a strong community group at our former church who prayed and invested in our lives.  We know the value of community and try to use it to its fullest potential.  I know that our marriage is stronger for it.

11)     What’s one thing you wish someone had told you before marriage?

Hmmm… I can’t think of anything right off on this one.  We asked a TON of questions from been there, done that couples, and feel like we got some really solid advice before taking the leap.

12)    If you have one final thought or piece of advice to share with current or future wives, what would it be?

Laugh a lot. 

With each other and sometimes at each other. 😉  My husband is so much better at lightening up a tense situation than me, but I’m getting there.  I can be so serious sometimes!  It’s really hard to be upset about your rough day when your husband stands on a desk to sing and dance to “I’m Too Sexy” until you almost pee yourself.  (This happened.)

Where’s My Baby’s Heartbeat?

January 27, 2014 By: Shana2 Comments

Another visit to the doctor. I’m 12 weeks pregnant. I’m not sure what’s on the agenda for today other than checking my vitals and a brief chat with my doctor. I’m right. They do a quick weigh-in as I avoid eye contact with the scale. Blood pressure. Urine sample. No blood work today so I’ll just wait on my doc.

He doesn’t have much to say except that even though they thought my high potassium levels would drop, it seems that number increased. Too bad they still don’t know what’s causing it. So we’ll just keep an eye on it. We talk about my 20-week ultrasound, Thanksgiving plans, and birthing classes. He tells me that after talking to my cardiologist and neurologist, nothing has changed and we are still just going to treat me like a heart patient. Sounds good to me.

I thought I was headed out the door when he said, “Let’s get a quick listen to baby’s heartbeat.” Perfect! Another chance to hear my baby and tangibly known he or she is there and healthy. I lay down on the table and he began moving the doppler across my abdomen. You could hear rustling as he tried to locate the baby, but no heartbeat. He tried for a few minutes with no success. With each passing moment, my heart sank further and further into my chest.

 “A little ambitious to hear the heartbeat at 12 weeks I suppose. I’m going to do a quick ultrasound,” he said as he quickly left the room.

What he didn’t know is that I had easily heard my baby’s heartbeat at my last appointment 3 weeks ago. In that cold, sterile room, lying alone on the table, the worst floods my mind. My nausea had gone away a few days ago. It was so easy to hear it before. This can’t be normal.

I’m going to be that woman.

The one who walks in pregnant and walks out heartbroken, confused, shocked and alone. I’m sure he was gone just a few moments, but it seemed like an eternity. He returned wheeling in a small ultrasound machine. I didn’t even flinch at the chill of the gel. He left the monitor turned toward him, out of my sight. I wanted to tell him to turn it towards me, but the words didn’t come out.

After holding my breath for I don’t know how long, he turned the monitor towards me and I saw two long legs kicking wildly. “Here’s your baby’s heartbeat,” he says confidently. Overwhelmed with relief, my fear and grief were immediately replaced with joy as he showed me hands, the profile… every angle he could. I’m not sure what he was saying to me, I was staring in awe at how my little bean was now a mini-human, wiggling around inside me. Praise God!

I left my doctor’s office that day a little more in love with my baby, but I couldn’t help but think of my friends that have experienced that same agonizing wait with a much different result. Although I know the anxiety of their waiting, I cannot imagine the sorrow, the agony of their loss. The pain in each step to the car. How their eyes are so flooded with tears that they can’t see to drive so they just sit with their head in their hands, mourning, alone in a parking lot. I spoke to my friend that has had this moment more than once. As she told me her story I wanted to just hug her and cry as no mother should have to endure such a loss. The pain is unimaginable.

If you have ever been that woman, I’m giving you a virtual hug right now and praying for your heart.

We may never know why God allows such loss or if we will one day experience it, but I pray that no matter how difficult it may seem, we continue to trust in his unfailing love and perfect will.

Originally written on November 20, 2013.

Fighting Motherly Fear

December 20, 2013 By: Shana2 Comments

I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced this. You have this HUGE secret you’re not supposed to tell, but it’s this GINORMOUS deal in your life. On top of that, it’s a subject that seems to come up often, and when it does you have to do your best to keep your cool. I’m terrible at this. Just seeing a good friend’s face makes me smirk in an obvious way. But I swear, I must have pregnant written across my forehead. I can’t tell you how many people have just straight up asked me if I’m pregnant. Try hiding your secret when that question pops up.

That’s what happened the other day. I was sitting with my writing group, 3 ladies I meet with every Wednesday, when we began talking about the struggle of comparison among women, a blog I wrote recently. That’s when one of the ladies in the group turned to me and said very poignantly, “you can’t let that steal your joy.” She didn’t realize how relevant her words were. Another lady thought that this one lady must know something she doesn’t, so she looked at me and said…

“wait, are you expecting?”

That terrible, uncontrollable smile came over my face, and I was found out in seconds. Once their excitement settled, we began talking about the fear of losing a baby and how that fear was keeping me from having kids, or praying for it at least. They have walked with me through my fears and even God giving me peace about kids so we cut right to the core. All moms themselves, they made it clear that it’s an ongoing struggle. I’ll have to face the same fear when I leave my child with a babysitter for the first time, when they learn to walk, to drive and even when they go to college. This cycle of fear and trusting doesn’t stop once the baby is born.

It became clear that as moms, we have to trust the Lord, do our best, but know that ultimately God gave us this child. They are His first and He can take our child away when and how he chooses. All He asks is that we are good stewards of the child that He has blessed us with, no matter how long or short that time may be. We are called to place fear aside and opt for trusting the Lord who loves our child more than we ever could.

Easier said than done, but I’m up for giving it a try. Hey, maybe this revelation will keep me from being a controlling, hovercraft mom. And Lord knows I’ll need all the help I can get in that area.

So what’s your take? I would love to hear other mom’s thoughts on this topic of fear when it comes to raising your child, and how you combat it.

Originally written on September 25, 2013.

And Then There Were Two…

December 18, 2013 By: Shanacomment

Before I really had time to celebrate our pregnancy, I received a call from my sister, Felicia. It was clear that she was upset, and I could hear Ashlynne, my niece, in the background.

“Ashlynne’s been having a hard time at school and wants to move up there over Christmas.”

Whoa! We were expecting her in July, but December is just a couple months away. I spent almost 30 minutes on the phone with Felicia and with Ashlynne . I was heartbroken to hear what her teachers had been saying to her and the struggles she’s currently going through. We talked about not running from our problems, rising above, and even the permanency of such a decision. Ultimately, I told Ashlynne that we would welcome her with open arms if they decided coming sooner would be best for her, and then left them to spend more time thinking and talking about it as a family.

When I got off the phone I sat in shock. It was just two days before that I told Casey on our drive to church that I felt God was telling me “storm” was coming. Part of me wondered if it was just my pessimism on display, but I was almost certain that God had laid it on my heart that this special time of growth and intimacy with Him I had experienced over the last few months was in preparation for a trying time – like boot camp before battle. I’m sure Casey thought I was crazy at the time, but who’s the crazy one now?!

I sit here in this chair just two days later – a mom-to-be with a baby AND a teenager on the way. Yet I’m not panicking. There aren’t tears streaming down my face, although I am sure they will come. Instead, I’m at peace, excited even. I’m confident that God is in control, and I’m looking forward to the possibility of having more time with Ashlynne. I’m excited to be pregnant… and expecting. Maybe I am a crazy, but if that’s true, Casey is too.

When Casey got home from work we just laughed and surprisingly kept our calm. He had the same peace that God had granted me. I think knowing that God has been preparing us for this moment has brought us that peace. It has to be from Him because the moment I let my mind take over I begin to worry about room for our new additions and finances. But I’m confident God has us in the palm of His hand amidst the chaos, and because of that, we get to set fear aside and let excitement and peace reign.

Bring it on!

Originally written on September 17, 2013

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Meet the Wife

Hi! I'm a semi-newlywed living in a small town outside of Nashville with my husband, Casey, our baby boy, teen niece, and hyperactive dog, Minny. I'm a new mom and marketing consultant at BeEngaging.com that loves Jesus and won't eat anything with 4 legs. I talk about marriage, pregnancy, parenting and everything in between. I believe real growth only happens through transparency. Join me on the journey. Read More…

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