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A Pattern of Disconnection

May 16, 2014 By: Shana4 Comments

I’m starting to see a pattern. A pattern I don’t like. A pattern I can’t figure out how to stop.

Ashlynne was gone on Friday which meant Casey and I had time to ourselves. It seems like that would be a good thing, but the pattern that we can’t seem to break is fighting once she leaves. It’s like her being gone and us being alone gives us a new freedom to address issues whenever we want and brings us to a realization that things aren’t quite right.

If you’ll remember, the last time she was gone was the time I ran away to the park. The time before that was the breakdown over a cancelled date to see the Steeldrivers. And so on and so forth. Every time we have one of these fights, I feel like we come out on the other side more emotionally connected and with a better understanding of each other. I even feel like we have a game plan of preventing similar blowups in the future, but I suppose I’ve been proven wrong.

So Friday night started off rough before Ashlynne even left. In fact, things got rocky as soon as Casey got home from work. We ended up in a small disagreement that we were able to hash out before Ashlynne returned from softball practice. I was excited as I felt like we had recognized our disconnection and taken immediate steps to repair. Not the best repair we’ve ever had, but in my mind, we were reconciled. I guess I was deceived.

It wasn’t an immediate blowup, but man did things hit the fan hard later that night. Everything was going quite well after our discussion. We were on a mission to come up with a game plan for getting the house packed over Spring Break so we sat down in front of my computer and made a list of ideas based off various articles I had found on Pinterest. Then we made a run to the liquor store for boxes and then Office Max and Big Lots for packing supplies. Not the most romantic evening, but it was nice time together. It wasn’t until we got in bed that things got bad. Sadly, our topic of disagreement was the same one as earlier. You know, the one I thought we had resolved.

It’s a topic that has plagued our marriage almost from day 1: physical intimacy. We’ve had so many fights come from that topic that the thought of it can make me cringe. So the topic came up as were lying in bed. As we started to try and repair it was clear that this wasn’t going to be like any other fight. Casey was beyond angry and frustrated, and I was beyond hurt. It wasn’t a good combination and led to one of the most explosive arguments we’ve ever had. But you know what else it led to? A flood of honesty and transparency.

Words were spoken that should have left our lips years ago. Our hearts were poured out in front of each other and for the first time, we were able to talk about physical intimacy in a new light, the same light. As we ended the night we hadn’t solved all of our issues or even this disagreement, but we had been able to draw closer together and reconnect.

Although I am thankful for the progress we made through this fight, I can’t say that I’m not fearful that it leads nowhere. We seem to be stuck in this cycle of disconnection, disagreement, and reconnection with hopes of staying connected more consistently, but ultimately, we keep finding ourselves back at disconnection. It’s like we see the immediate results of a deeper connection, but it quickly fades as we flow back into our normal routine, back in to what’s comfortable for us, which often means our marriage isn’t a priority. Then it all blows up when Ashlynne goes away for the weekend, and the distractions are gone.

Maybe next time will be different. Ashlynne will be gone for a full 10 days so that should give us enough time to establish some new routines and build on this emotional connection. That’s my prayer. In the meantime, we’ll be packing for our move to the new home. Did I mention we’re under contract? Let the chaos begin.

 

Originally written March 17, 2014

The Wednesday Wife: Jennifer Cooper

March 19, 2014 By: Shana1 Comment

You are about to read the first Wednesday Wife that was submitted via my online request. When I put the request out there for wives to share their stories, Jennifer had been impacted by the stories of other Wednesday Wives and was already thinking and praying about what her responses would be.

I met Jennifer on a Christian retreat the summer between my freshman and sophomore year of college.  Side Note: That retreat (Journey Weekend) was a huge turning point for me in my walk with the Lord! Jennifer’s story is one that will likely sound familiar. From struggling over finances and in-laws to trials with their sex life and being parents, I don’t know any wife that can’t relate to a part of Jennifer’s story. That’s why I’m so thankful for her honesty and for her husband allowing her to be so open with us all.

Please remember that when we share like this we are leaving ourselves vulnerable. This is our chance to love on Jennifer. Please make sure to leave a comment thanking her for sharing or letting her know how her story has encouraged or comforted you.

Jennifer Cooper married her husband, Jerry, on June 28, 2008. 

the-wednesday-wife-jennifer-cooper

“When you wake up each day, make the choice to love your husband.”

1)  Tell us your courtship story. How did you meet and end up married?

We met at church. He was actually dating someone else at that time. Eventually they broke up and Jerry told me that he listened to what I was saying about my life and my plans for my life and decided that I “had it together.” I remember telling him later in our relationship that a few weeks earlier, I had been feeling like there was nobody on Earth for me to be with/marry…that I was never going to meet someone and fall in love, and that I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. I had prayed one night for God to send me the person I was supposed to be with for the rest of my life…and if he never came, then I would accept that. So Jerry, just out of the blue, comes up to me and asks if I want to come sit with him during Brush Arbor. He asked for my number, actually called when he said he would, and from then on, we have been together. Our first date was to TCBY in Johnson City with a few other people from church.

Jerry would surprise me by leaving me a rose in my car while I was at work (BB&B) or by leaving me little love notes. I would surprise him with video games or balloons by the lake just chilling out, talking.

During the 2nd year of our relationship, I think we both knew that we were going to get married. It took Jerry longer than me, of course, to realize the inevitable. The day before our 3 year anniversary, we said “I do” and vowed to love each other in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, until death do us part!

2)  On your wedding day, if someone asked you why you were getting married, what would you have said?

I would have said that I was marrying Jerry because I love him, and that he is my best friend (not that kind of friend you call up and shoot the breeze with, but the kind that you wanted to do EVERYTHING with and see EVERY DAY), and honestly…that it was the next logical step in the relationship.

3)   If someone asked you today why you have stayed married, what would you say?

I would say it is partly because I love Jerry and that I promised to love him in front of God and everyone we know. Believe me, I like my alone time, but I like sharing my life with him too.

4)  Do you have children? If so, how has having children affected your marriage?

We had a beautiful baby girl, Callie Reese, 8 months ago. It was one of the best days of my life! Jerry and I had a piece of both of us…and she’s perfect! People are correct in saying “a baby changes everything”….because it does!!! Used to, we could just be spontaneous and go out whenever we wanted and didn’t have to worry about babysitters. We could sleep as late as we wanted. We had time for each other…but now, we have a little person depending on us for EVERYTHING! Being a parent is a 24/7 job. Sure, you can get a babysitter for a date night or an over-nighter somewhere, but making time for each other is harder now…a lot harder.

I feel like being a mother is very different from being a father. It’s natural for a woman to be the primary caregiver and protector of a child, but eventually, the mother is exhausted and is running on nothing but caffeine and a few hours of sleep. Things start going undone like dishes, laundry, bathrooms, etc. and the fuse just gets shorter and shorter until everything blows up and mom and dad are arguing more and more. All of our attention is on Callie, and she needs that, but I think that if we take a step back, we need to realize that being married is us being a team…now we just have a third player.

5)   What has been one of your greatest trials in your marriage and how did you all overcome it?

See question #6 🙂

6)   What has been the most challenging aspect of being a wife?

I tried early on in our marriage to be “that” wife…the one who cooks and cleans and is always in the mood, and always happy. I failed at that…miserably! We have had a major issue with the lack of sex in our relationship. Yes, it was wrong, but before we got married we didn’t think twice about it! Soon after we got married (like on the honeymoon) I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to keep up his sex schedule, cook, clean, and be happy all the time! I was becoming stressed with the tasks of having to keep up with my needs…and his! Going from having one person to take care of (yourself) to having to take care of two people (yourself and your husband) was a huge change for me! I always worry about what needs to be done in the house, what bills I have paid or not paid, what I am going to make for dinner. We also wanted sex for different reasons…for Jerry is what physical intimacy but for me it was to have a baby. He didn’t want a baby until we started having more sex and I wasn’t getting pregnant because of the lack of sex…a never-ending cycle. We are still working on this to this day and we’ve been married for 5 years!

So, the most challenging aspect of being a wife is trying, and failing at being “that wife”.

7)  How has being a wife changed you?

I’m not as laid back as I used to be.

8)  What does date night look like for you?

Normally, it would be dinner and a movie in town. Now…it’s homemade pizza and a Redbox movie…but that is fine with me! I can have just as much fun lounging at home as I can going out in town. I just like being able to spend time together without having to turn my attention to something domestic. Since Callie has been born, she has been with us for our “dates.” But we went to Gatlinburg one night and went out to a very nice restaurant.

9)  What are the top three things/people that pull you away from or compete with your marriage? How do you deal with them?

1. In-laws: Most of the time, our parents are supportive and always there for us, but sometimes, they can get on our nerves! I get aggravated at the constant calling “for no good reason” (his mom) and he gets aggravated at the “throwing things away” spells (my mom). And of course, I am going to think that my mom is better and he is going to think that his mom is better. We just ignore it most of the time, but if there is an issue with his mom, he deals with it and vice versa.

2. Housework: This is a work in progress (currently our issue). I feel like I am the one doing all of the housework. I think he feels like he is helping as much as I am, but I think my idea of him helping and his idea of him helping are two totally different things!!!! I know we aren’t supposed to keep score, but I feel like I do 95% of the housework and he does 5%. I’m trying not to nag him so much and be thankful for when he does help out…even if it’s not what my idea of “helping out” is.

3. Finances: Neither of us are “savers”. We like to buy things!!! Since Callie has been born, our focus is buying or building a house and growing our savings account. We get two steps forward, then he comes through the door with a new 55” TV that we “just had to have”. This is honestly the root of most of our arguments, but now if we want to buy something, little or big, we ask ourselves “Do we want this now or do we want a house”?

10)  What role has community played in your marriage?

Most people we come in contact with play a positive role in our marriage. We were told by our previous preacher that “we would never make it”…which is why a different preacher married us (that’s a whole other story). Our parents are always supportive and are there for us when we need to vent or cry or just get away. Others, however, have been negative…going through nasty divorces and always having something negative to say about marriage in general. I think that eventually, some of that negativity rubs off on us and feeds how we react to certain situations. We just have to remember why we got married in the first place! Jerry and I are not even making divorce an option! We can work through anything…it may not be pretty, but in the end we will be happy…with each other!

11)  What’s the one thing you wish someone had told you before marriage?

I wish people had been more positive about the whole aspect of marriage. We were both told “don’t do it” by people we worked with. Not because we weren’t good for each other, but because they had been through marriage after marriage and nothing worked out for them, so they just assumed that it was going to be the same for us. I wish someone would have told us more than once that marriage is a hard, but rewarding journey! Yeah, there are going to be arguments and days that you ask yourself “what did I get myself in to”, but the bigger picture is that you are with this person until death…this is your LIFE PARTNER, the person who is going to see you at your lowest moment and still be there for you no matter what happened or what was said. I truly believe that Jerry is my answer to that prayer I prayed 8 years ago!

The Wednesday Wife: Emily-Anne Buck

March 5, 2014 By: Shana17 Comments

If you haven’t noticed, I ask all the Wednesday Wives to be honest with you about their marriage. We don’t do whitewashed stories here at Love Truthfully. I am so thankful that my sorority sister, Emily-Anne, was bold enough to go where no Wednesday Wife has gone before… SEX. 

Even though it covers our lives in today’s world (although a corrupt view of it), talking about marital sex is still feared by so many, especially Christians. Our silence has allowed the devil to keep his stronghold on one of the most intimate and important aspects of marriage. It’s time to break those chains and get real! 

Emily-Anne paints an honest picture of life before and after kids that I’m sure anyone with children can relate to. I know we have shared many of the same struggles since our niece moved in with us. It’s not east being WIFE AND MOM. Don’t believe me? Read this post!  

Please remember that when we share like this we are leaving ourselves vulnerable. This is our chance to love on Emily-Anne. Please make sure to leave a comment thanking her for sharing or letting her know how her story has encouraged or comforted you.

Emily-Anne Buck married her husband, Jason, on October 30, 2005.

emily-anne buck - wednesday wife

1)    Tell us your courtship story. How did you meet and end up married?

I was a Junior at ETSU when I broke up with my boyfriend in the Spring. I was left with a guy telling me I would fall in love with him and I was only feeling you certainly aren’t the “one”. After that break up, I swore off guys. I didn’t want to meet, be set up with, or pursue one single man until God brought into my life the one guy I was supposed to marry. How was I supposed to do that if I refused to even meet someone? It didn’t matter…I knew God would have it all figured out!

So a few months in, my best friend at the time told me, “You HAVE to meet this guy Jason that works for my mom. He is just your type and such a good guy.”

Of course my response was, “no thanks.”

Well, we had a summer trip planned for NYC and upon our return, we both had to stop at our homes in Knoxville to pick up our dogs our parents watched for us while gone. My friend had to stop by her mom’s work place downtown, and since I was tagging along, she decided that I should just say hello to Jason Buck anyway. So I did. I remember he had on an orange polo and was doing crosswords puzzles in a newspaper. And I had on a new NY Yankees hat, new Tiffany’s necklace (think Legally Blonde), and denim skirt. We met, shook hands, swapped a few words for 5 minutes, and that was it! I was holding true to my word. I walked away thinking, “Well, he’s cute.” And that was it. He walked away thinking, “Dang! I like that Yankees hat on her!”. (haha I’m not sure about this but I do think I remember something he said similar )

So 3 months pass and we have a sorority function coming up. I had sworn off guys so much that I was left without a single frat boy to ask to our formal. Standing outside of class, I jokingly asked my best friend, “hey should I call that Jason Buck guy?”. She squealed, “Yes! Do it! 679-Buck!”

That night I was babysitting late. Once the kids went to bed, I calmly (wasn’t nervous since I was swearing off guys) called Jason. And again. And again once more. See, on my end it wasn’t ringing… at all. On his end, it rang 3 times and he wasn’t picking up this unknown number because he had company over for dinner. So after he thought, “who is this crazy person?” and I left him a voice mail, he returned my call the next night.

From about 9pm that night until 5am the next morning, we stayed on the phone. I barely remembered what he looked like! BUT within 2 hours (we had to take an hour break because we had sorority initiation stuff going on) I had beamed to my best friends that I just hung up the phone with the guy I was going to marry! And in all truth, I felt that in the first 5 minutes. He simply said 4 words that caught me hook, line, and sinker: “I’m a Christian nerd.”

Our phone calls went on like this throughout the night for the next 10 days. He couldn’t make it to my sorority formal, but he did accept coming to our next event: What the Heck Redneck informal. Here was a guy I talked on the phone with for 10 days, KNEW I was going to marry, and only remembered he had dark hair and skin. And he was driving up to Johnson City and would be staying at my house. Wow…we were both nervous!

Jason however, almost chickened out. He says it was the devil trying to take it all away! He had his bible study friends praying for him and pushing him and encouraging him to not break plans with me. So off he went to a small college town to meet this 22 year old girl.

The night went perfectly! We ordered pizza, talked all night once again, and he even ended up staying the next night, and went to church together on Sunday.

Fast forward to August 2005… we were engaged! And did you notice our wedding date?! Yes, I planned our wedding in a little less than 3 months. Why? (no I wasn’t pregnant… as some people assumed… I was a VIRGIN) I was EXCITED! And to be honest, (as I wouldn’t just say this to anyone but because this is a marriage blog and have come to see the importance this has on a marriage, I’m going to say it) I didn’t want to wait a full year to have SEX. I was ready to BE with my future husband. So there is the #1 reasoning behind me planning my wedding so quickly… I was ready to have sex!

2)    On your wedding day if someone had asked why you were getting married, what would you have said?

If someone asked me on my wedding day, why I was getting married, I would have said I had prayed and longed for a man like Jason since I was 16. That he was my answer to prayer and the man God had created just for me. I definitely had in my heart the longing to spend eternity with one man if it was the right relationship!

3)    If someone asked you today why you have stayed married, what would you say?

I have stayed married because of our #1 commitment to God and to each other. I was once told while I was engaged to not even let the word “divorce” be in my vocabulary. It hasn’t.

4)    Do you have children? If so, how has having children affected your marriage?

Yes, I have 2 gorgeous, rambunctious little boys. Children has affected our marriage for sure. With the first born, the first year was quite a blur. I didn’t feel comfortable leaving the house at all (I breast feed my babes so this makes it tricky at times) so when we did finally start going on a few dates again, they were like at 4pm for a quick dinner. After a full year had passed, I felt our life started to resume a little bit more normally. Although we still didn’t get many dates, this is when we had to get creative with homemade dinners by candlelight in our PJ’s and movies to rent.

Then we found out I was pregnant again. I get terribly sick with my pregnancies and threw up for 37 weeks with my 2nd pregnancy. This leaves me completely MIA and not wanting anything but my pillow! With the 2nd child, (born December 2012) things got even more chaotic. Even our vacations weren’t a vacation. On a beach trip previously with 1 child, we at least tried to hang out while our son was napping. With 2 kids at the beach, my husband had 1 and I had the other. It seems we were on opposite schedules and this started happening in our home. With 2 kids at dinner time, we can’t even get a word in to each other, and by time they are both in bed, we are so exhausted from the work day and playing with the kids, that we didn’t have a word to say to each other. We’d be cleaning up the kitchen and making sandwiches for the kids’ lunchboxes in silence. So if I were to answer the question directly, I would say it has affected my marriage by bringing us closer as a family, but dividing my husband and I up even more. It has most certainly become a marriage I have to work at after 8 years whereas before everything seemed easy. I say this positively though because I like challenges. I now have to work at something to make it better where we aren’t just “roommates” anymore.

5)    What has been one of your greatest trials in your marriage and how did you all overcome it?

Overall our greatest trial has been physical intimacy. We are presently trying to overcome this and it’s too fresh to say it has been overcome. I’ve currently gone to see a Christian sex therapist alone and we are at least communicating more about this. I hate to say it, but the devil certainly had our marriage under attack and this is how he wedged himself in our marriage.

6)    What has been the most challenging aspect of being a wife?

The most challenging aspect of being a wife is being a WIFE. I’m now a mommy of 2… do I need to say more? I have such little time to do much. I work full time and even my devotionals are done in the car or while locked in the bathroom. I pray daily on how to be a better wife and learn to balance these roles even more. If you asked me this question as a newlywed, I think it was hard to understand what the whole “submissive” role meant as a wife. Once it clicked in my head what it truly meant, it was a relief to understand the role my husband has with God is not my own.

7)    How has being a wife changed you?

Being a wife has changed me in learning to be more dependent on someone. I’m extremely independent and I feel I don’t really “need” anyone. My husband once counteracted this by reminding me I constantly had a boyfriend, one after another my whole life, but I truly just had fun and never needed them.(I was never ever dumped! Ha!) Who knows, maybe he’s on to something a little deeper I don’t even know about myself yet and I’m still learning 🙂 So I guess you can say I’m still learning to show my affection to a husband that wants to feel more loved and doted on.

8)    What does date night look like for you?

Date night! HA! Well, before kids, it was me excitedly running to the door on a Friday night waiting impatiently for my husband to get home to find out where we were going for dinner or what movie to see. He was exhausted and I was ready to go! And Saturdays were usually spent in bed eating pizza and watching movies until 2am. Post baby: We go to dinner about once every 4-6 months! Yep. Quite pitiful. Can’t fully afford a babysitter and with my parents watching our kids 3 days a week, I don’t like to ask them to do much more.

9)    What are the top three things/people that pull you away from or compete with your marriage? How do you deal with them?

  1. Kids – We are presently trying to not give 110% to our kids. (We compliment ourselves and each other that we are the most devoted parents in the whole world to our kids, but that is where we have struggled to devoting more to each other!) But for myself to not give as much to my kids is a big struggle. I don’t “get” how not to, especially at this age!
  2. TV
  3. Exhaustion

I’d say TV and exhaustion sort of go together. We are so worn out by the end of the day, we each love to crash (him on the couch downstairs and me in the bed upstairs) to enjoy our “shows”. We are also presently trying to find more things to watch together to get us started there spending more time and at least being in the same room.

10)    What role has community played in your marriage?

Before kids (here we go again…seeing a pattern?!) we were in a Sunday school class and a small group. Our current church we haven’t joined yet since we are newer so we aren’t in either. Small group took up so much time we don’t feel we have that time to give at this moment. As far as family and friends go, we have tons of support and Godly people surrounding us.

11)     What’s one thing you wish someone had told you before marriage?

I wish someone explained further that sex would be the way it is. I do remember my mom saying something about hoping I wasn’t “let down” because I literally was so excited that I wanted all my wedding showers to be lingerie showers! It’s like we were cursed on our honeymoon and it’s just spiraled down from there. It’s never been easy for us.

12)    If you have one final thought or piece of advice to share with current or future wives, what would it be?

Don’t marry a nonbeliever. I have seen what this has done to couples that are equal here. It’s a struggle and sad. Even through our struggles I at least know I have a praying husband and a man that is Godly and seeks God through everything always. What more do I need than that?! Marry someone that is going to be a good Father. I have the BEST man for my boys. THE BEST. Feel lucky and blessed. I am amazed that I have such a great man to be married to and I don’t want to take that for granted. So don’t. If my husband had to answer this, I think he would say communication. He has mentioned how important this is for us lately based on the struggles we are currently facing.

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Meet the Wife

Hi! I'm a semi-newlywed living in a small town outside of Nashville with my husband, Casey, our baby boy, teen niece, and hyperactive dog, Minny. I'm a new mom and marketing consultant at BeEngaging.com that loves Jesus and won't eat anything with 4 legs. I talk about marriage, pregnancy, parenting and everything in between. I believe real growth only happens through transparency. Join me on the journey. Read More…

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