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Forced to Write: Catching up on life

May 19, 2014 By: Shanacomment

I’m being forced to journal and get a foot massage. Casey literally just pulled me off my computer and over to the couch with pen, journal and ice cream in hand. Then he took my boots off and stuck my feet in the foot massager.

If you haven’t noticed, I’ve been neglecting writing lately, which means I’ve been neglecting my soul. I was doing great for a while there. I had committed to 15 minutes or 3 pages of writing every day for Lent, but sadly, life got in the way. That’s a polite way of saying it. I suppose 3rd trimester, plus moving prep, plus bronchitis, plus new clients all got together at the same time and hit me like a Mac truck. I did a terrible job of protecting my writing time and didn’t feel right about stealing time to write, stealing time for me, when I would look at my to do list and see how behind I was each day.

Even now as I try to write, life is getting in the way. I just got interrupted with a text about the softball banquet for Ashlynne’s team. Did I forget to mention I’m coordinating all the volunteers for that? As soon as I responded and picked up my pen again Ashes came up here to chat. It never stops and it will only get crazier once baby gets here.

That could be soon! In just 2.5 weeks I’ll be 2 weeks away from my due date AND it will be a full moon. If baby wants to come early, Mother Nature will be more than happy to help. Early wouldn’t be too bad. It’s on time that worries me. We close on our house the 21st, move the 23rd, and baby is due the 29th. So 2 weeks early or due date and beyond is okay. Not too much to ask, right?

Baby has really been fun lately. The hiccups are a little annoying, but cute at the same time. Casey put his head on my belly to listen to them the other day. It was precious. Everything has changed in the last couple of days. I have pelvic and lower back pain whenever I’m standing, baby’s kicks are super painful, and my calves and feet hurt from swelling. I went to the doctor today and they said all was normal and I should expect it to get worse. Not what I wanted to hear, but I suppose it could be worse. I’m not on bed rest, although at times I think that might be good for me haha.

In other baby news, I think we have finally decided on names. We are definitely set on first names, but the middle names have been up in the air for a while. I think we are officially settled on first and middle names now. I suppose we will see as time goes on, but we do have favorites, as of now.

The baby shower was this weekend, and it was perfect! Our friends did a fantastic job planning it and of course, our dear friend catered it, which was delicious. We had so much fun with the water balloon toss, diaper relay, chasing chickens, and so much more non-traditional baby shower fun. Baby B is so blessed to have such an amazing community!

yellow-gray-baby-shower
chasing-chickens
baby-shower-diaper-relay
baby-shower-water-balloon

Ashes is doing really well too! Her grades have been steadily improving, and softball is finally over. Praise God! We all enjoyed that she played, but were definitely ready for the season to end. That everyday commitment was a lot to handle on top of managing her homework and chores. It’s definitely been an adjustment, but now we are settling into a calmer routine, just in time for summer to get here, the move, baby and everything to change. Yes, temporary calm, but it will be a nice calm before the storm.

Lent: Finding Grace in the Midst of Our Failure

March 7, 2014 By: Shanacomment

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday, which means today is day 2 of Lent. And guess what?

I’ve already failed.

It’s been a few years since I made a sacrifice for Lent and really took time to prepare for Easter. In the past, I have been quite successful with my challenges to myself. One year I gave up soda and never went back. Another year I gave up music in the car in place of prayer and reflection. That made for some awkward moments with friends in college. This year, Casey made sure that we took some time to recognize the start of the Lenten season and encouraged Ashlynne and me to think about what we could sacrifice.

Casey chose one of his core weaknesses – sugary drinks. Say goodbye to his beloved coke, Starbucks, and Arnold Palmer. (For those of you not familiar with that southern favorite, an Arnold Palmer is when you blend iced tea and lemonade.) Ashlynne said she’s going to give up cheese, but only the block kind of cheese that she likes to snack on when she gets home from school. We’re still talking through that one 🙂

Instead of giving up something, I decided to add something – writing. That may seem selfish instead of sacrificial, but the reality is that taking the time away from my busy life to process my thoughts and connect with God is a sacrifice I can’t afford not make. So here I sit, the morning of day 2 and I’m 0 for 1. That’s right, I failed before I could even get started.

I’m sure some of you are in the same boat, and if you’re like me, right now you are already considering throwing in the towel or just changing your Lenten commitment altogether. I’m just going to take a minute to remind us both that quitting is exactly what the enemy wants us to do. In fact, he’s clearly already got a hold of us because our minds are focused away from Jesus and toward ourselves. We see our failure and inadequacy instead of His unfailing, undeserved grace.

Isn’t that what this season is all about?

Jesus’ sacrifice would mean nothing to us if we were perfect creatures, without flaw or failure. Why would we need grace? Why would we need a savior?

 lent-finding-grace-in-midst-of-failure

When we fail, our true depravity and desperation for a Merciful Savior is revealed. I pray that instead of sitting in our guilt and shame, we turn our humble, grateful hearts toward an Inexplicably Loving King hanging on a cross for us, and fall on our knees in worship and praise. Because it’s our failure that reminds us just how unworthy we are of God’s ultimate sacrifice of His One and Only Son.

He is loving. He is merciful. He is worthy. 

Surviving My Dr. Jekyll and Mr.Hyde Moment

October 3, 2013 By: Shana2 Comments

Yesterday around 2pm, I had an emotional breakdown. One of those moments when you’re sitting in a room surrounded by women you haven’t known for very long and you suddenly feel the tears begin to rise up inside you. Your face begins to feel flush and your body starts to tense up as every muscle in your body is now devoted to holding off those tears, just until you make it into the car.

It’s not that I am not comfortable crying in front of these ladies, even though that would be quite unusual for me, but these tears are irrational tears. Like a child, I was about to cry because I didn’t get my turn. That’s right.

Just like a little girl on the playground…

Crying because recess was over and she didn’t get her turn on the swing. My writing group was coming to an end, and I didn’t get my turn to share something I had written. Usually this wouldn’t bother me, but for some reason yesterday, it was a tragedy. I did a fantastic job of holding back the flood until I got in the car, and the little bit of sanity I had left would only allow a trickle. My house was just a short drive away, but by the time I walked in the door my tears were stuffed down and only a sniffle remained. Thankfully Casey was asleep, home sick in bed, so I didn’t have to explain my red eyes to him. As I flitted around the kitchen, making my late lunch in between sniffles, I was trying to sort through the sadness that had consumed me – still lingering.

Maybe I was really just upset about the sad story my friend has shared about the loss of her grandfather. I remember wanting to cry when I heard the tragic, vivid tale, but I wouldn’t succumb to the tears. Maybe I just couldn’t hold them back anymore. Well I suppose its been a long day. I didn’t get much sleep last night and I had been with a friend since early this morning, helping with her surgery. Come to think of it, I didn’t eat much today. I’m not hungry, but surely I just haven’t had enough food.

Just when I thought I had rationalized my way into dry eyes, Casey walked into the kitchen. Whatever dam was holding back my river of tears exploded the moment he appeared. He came to my side begging me to tell him what was wrong. I answered honestly, “I really don’t know.” Then I blubbered on about what happened, or didn’t happen at writing group. That transitioned into us not having any time together and how no one ever wants to hear my writing. How God is doing so much in my life right now and no one’s excited, no one else gets it. How I’m alone. I think at one point I said I felt like I was on an island alone with a bunch of great things to share with people, but no one gives a damn that I’m there or even comes to visit me. How poetic.

After my dramatic explanation I clarified, just like I had tried to convince myself earlier, “I’m probably just tired and hungry. This is really stupid.” Back to,  “I don’t know why I’m crying.” Then the worst part happened – the laughter. As the intensity of my crying increased, my body tried to fight the sadness with uncontrollable laughter. I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced this, but it’s a common occurrence for me if I’m sad or angry. It’s the worst. You are sad, crying uncontrollably. Then all the sudden you start to smile and laugh, but that just bleeds, into bigger tears and louder crying which raises up more laughter. “I’m insane. I’m seriously going mad. What is wrong with me?” Thankfully Casey knew this crying/laughing routine and was quick to comfort me. I don’t see how he does it. If I were him I wouldn’t know whether to laugh hysterically at my Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde moment or run as fast as I could in the other direction.

Finally, my river ran dry and the emotional breakdown had ended. I finished my guacamole and Casey cleverly and kindly said “Will you read your journal to me?” I did, and I felt at peace afterwards.

Maybe it was about the writing after all. surviving-my-dr-jekyll-and-mr-hyde-moment

Maybe, when we write, there’s something, so much of something, that happens within us that we can’t keep it inside for long or we will implode. Maybe this journal is my heart on paper and when it’s lonely and unloved, I feel lonely and unloved. Or maybe it had just been way too long since I cried and God knew I was about due for a hearty emotional release. Whatever it was, I’m glad it’s over and I’m glad Casey was home sick – able to endure it with me. I’m even more glad, and surprised really, that he was still there when it was over. I guess by now he knows he’s married to a crazy, unpredictable, emotional rollercoaster and he’s prepared for my outbursts – no matter how rational or irrational they may be.

So today, as I lie in bed thinking about my long day and all that awaits me in the morning, I am just thankful that I made it through today without an emotional breakdown and all, well most, of my sanity in tact. Praise the Lord for the little things in life!

Originally written on August 29, 2013

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Meet the Wife

Hi! I'm a semi-newlywed living in a small town outside of Nashville with my husband, Casey, our baby boy, teen niece, and hyperactive dog, Minny. I'm a new mom and marketing consultant at BeEngaging.com that loves Jesus and won't eat anything with 4 legs. I talk about marriage, pregnancy, parenting and everything in between. I believe real growth only happens through transparency. Join me on the journey. Read More…

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